My dad died at the beginning of January. I’m still processing that and honestly it’s been really hard.
After he died, I noticed messages on my mom’s phone from a guy she works with. It made me suspicious, and I ended up doing something I know I shouldn’t have done and I went through her phone.
What I found made me feel physically sick. It looks like she’s been texting this guy in a way that seems like much more than just friendly. I obviously can’t tell exactly when it started, but it definitely began before my dad died.
Now I’m stuck with this information and I don’t know what to do. I feel extremely disgusted and honestly betrayed on my dad’s behalf, but at the same time I can’t really confront her because the only reason I know is that I went through her phone.
It’s also such a weird situation because technically she can’t “cheat” now since my dad has passed, but if this was going on before, that’s what’s making me feel so sick about it.
Part of me wants to pretend I never saw it, and another part of me feels like I’ll never look at her the same way again and I don’t even want to spend time in our house knowing he was in this house when I’m at uni.
Has anyone dealt with something like this? Do I confront her or just keep it to myself? How big of an ahole am I?
Keep it to yourself. Actually it is none of your business
i think you have more to worry about than the morals behind going through her phone. let yourself grieve. i wouldn’t confront her for now, you have enough on your plate. give yourself time. im sorry for your loss
Soft YTA. It’s not your business or problem and you can’t betray someone who’s dead in any meaningful way. What she’s ‘betraying’ is your idea of how she should be grieving, living her life, etc.. You betrayed her trust by snooping through her personal correspondence, I imagine, and she’s alive to feel betrayed.
YTA. You had no right to go through her phone. Whether she cheated on your father or not it’s really none of your business.
Listen, lots of kids don’t know what their parents marriage is really like behind closed doors.
I have a friend who didn’t talk to her mom for 20’years because her mom cheated on her ‘perfect dad.’ Only to find out, after her mom died, that her dad had been abusing her for years. She literally never suspected a thing. Her father was a great father to her. Turns out he was a.monster as a husband.
**I’m not saying that’s the case here.**
You need to decide now if this is something you can ever forgive, and if your ok with losing your mother indefinitely.
What do you want the outcome to be of confronting her about this?
Think long term.
That’s what you get for snooping. It’s none of your business, so don’t do anything with the information. You don’t know the whole truth and will never find out. Live with it.
You know the answer to that. It is not ethical to go through your mother’s phone
Just to throw out that it’s a possibility that he knew and they had agreed on it together.
Obviously YTA. Wtf???
I think its really weird that you went through your mom’s phone. She’s not your SO, so I’m not sure went her texting her co worker would draw your suspicion.
You don’t really know what she and your dad had going on. So you can only ASSUME that the relationship is inappropriate.
YTA here. Do you know what kind of marriage they had? Open/closed? Is it flirty to you but ok to mom/dad? You FAFO; don’t snoop and you don’t get this BS.
My advice? Say nothing. What happened in their marriage is their business. Your father can’t be hurt by it now. Confronting your mother won’t do anything for your dad, it won’t do anything for her, and all it does for you is give you an outlet for your disappointment. It would be hurting your mother to make yourself feel better.
When my mother died, I already knew about my dad’s cheating. When cleaning up her stuff, I found her diary and got more information than I ever wanted
When my dad died, I had to go through his email to make sure subscriptions were canceled. I found accounts for various dating and escort sites. Wish I didn’t know it, but what can you do?
You feel like you have to do something because you feel hurt and betrayed by knowing the information and what it implies about your parent’s relationship.
Guess what? Your parent’s relationship was imperfect. They are imperfect people with messy lives, just like the rest of us. Welcome to adulthood.
Was your dad sick or terminal for a time? Either way not your business. You don’t know dad’s side either.
YTA for violating her privacy
You don’t know the details or discussions she may have had with your dad due to his terminal illness
Likely he would want her to also find happiness