Context: Me and my ex spouse have not been together in a couple years now, we are generally very friendly and we coparent well.
I’ve been struggling financially for a bit, and have been saving for one toy to get my daughter for Christmas, I have told my ex about what I’m getting her and how it was only going to be that, and some necessity stuff like clothes. When we divorced we agreed to try and make all of our Christmas’s equal so one parent doesn’t look “better” than the other.
Anyways, my ex’s mom is very well off and generally gets everything that my daughter wants, and asked my ex for my daughter’s Christmas list with the intent on buying everything on it. Well my ex decided to add that toy on there and of course she got it when they celebrated this week (yes I know a month early, but that’s not the point)
I am so devastated over this, I’ve been saving for it and working extra, I told my ex and sent pictures of what I was buying multiple times for months, including last week and they still added it to the wishlist. I’ve cried so much over it and it seems so pointed. Ex keeps telling me to take the toy for my house and buy her something else, but also telling me to buy her a bike, the same exact thing they’re buying.
NTA. They knew and bought anyway. Let him send it to your house. Bring it back and forth. And buy her something else that’s really cool. I know you’re hurt, but know your child gets this gift and another cool gift! I can help you search, just message me. Coming from a parent with an ex and with shopping expertise.
Yeah it makes sense, it’s frustrating when your plans get overridden even if the kid still ends up happy.
NTA
NTA, but you aren’t coparenting as well as you think. Stop crying. Return the toy. Get something she wants but isn’t on the list. Walk the mall, talk to her about friends and life, figure it out.
why should the daughter be punished by having the toy (she has already received and loved) taken away and returned? That punishes the innocent child more than punishing anyone else.
i agree with all you said.. except the “return the toy” part.
But yes OP should stop crying. Get something else the daughter wants but isn’t on the list and try to find something else she’s excited about. Or get her accessories/add-ons to the toy that’s in dispute. Like i dunno what it is.. but a lot of toys have like additional stuff to go with it.. Race track with cars or expanded set pieces. Games with expanded packs. Dolls with extra clothing and stuff. A kid science set, maybe get a lab coat and other stuff to go with it and make the gift more fun. If it’s a bicycle, maybe get streamers, or a little bell, or basket, or other cool add ons.. Etc.
I think they meant for OP to return the gift they (maybe) already bought and buy something else.
Yes. This.
Very, very soft YTA. I would be happy that my child has family that will buy her presents.
If you’re really bothered, next year, either don’t tell him what you’re buying, or tell him you’re buying something else. Depending on how old your daughter is, she probably isn’t going to care who got her what.
They could have bought her plenty of other presents without getting the thing that OP already got
NTA. He’s a jerk for doing that. He knew what he was doing. I’d take the money you saved and buy her whatever else is on her list. If you need more ideas, google and ChatGPT (I know, I know) has a lot of great ideas when you give the right prompts: age, what the kid is into, etc. in the end, your daughter is happy and that’s all that matters. I’ve been in the same spot with my ex and it’s hard. Sorry, Mama.
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NTA for being upset about the gift. But YTA if you keep making it about you. At the end of the day, your daughter got a gift she really wanted. Does it suck that you weren’t the one to give it to her? ABSOLUTELY. Was it a sucky thing you EX did, beyond!
But you also have to remember Christmas isn’t about gifts. I don’t know how much this gift was, but instead of giving a toy, give her a special night that she will remember. The gift is an open and done deal. Maybe find some free events around town, do a Christmas movie night and pick out some special treats go ice skating. Have a cookie-baking day. Find a way to make memories that will be a core memory for her. I can guarantee she will remember skating with her mom over riping paper off a toy in the years to come.
What your ex did was really cruel. I don’t fault granny as she didn’t know the situation, but your ex did. That was awful.
In future, I would allow granny to go overboard and spoil your daughter with lots of stuff, but I would absolutely not share what you plan to get your daughter with your ex at the same time you find out what he’s getting her. He can’t actually be trusted (sorry) and I’m pretty sure this was a way to express some residual anger he may feel toward you.
Please focus on getting your daughter some other lovely thing or things. I realize it won’t be the same, but if you can focus on giving her a beautiful Christmas experience with the making of ornaments together if you have a tree, the baking and decorating of cookies and looking at Christmas lights together, going to a Christmas market and maybe getting a small cute inexpensive thing there but enjoying the fun, maybe doing an act of charity together such as bringing some of your cookies in a lovely (inexpensive) tin to an old foiks home or to an elderly neighbor who’d appreciate them, attending a beautiful service past her bedtime if you’re religious.
It would have been lovely if you could have given her that bike, but you can still make this a wonderful and memorable holiday with her. You sound like a very caring mom, and your daughter will feel this no matter what you’re able to give her materially.
NTA
Stop communicating with your ex about anything but pick up times. He’s an AH. He did this on purpose. Dry your tears and think of something else. You cannot compete with your ex-MIL, so stop trying. Instead, make memories with her. Do scrapbooks together if that’s an interest you may have. Something that shows you love her life and she can look back on that.