I (40F) traveled to another continent to visit a childhood friend (40M) who had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I was already traveling for a wedding (but mainly went to see him). We talked, caught up, and hugged goodbye, but nothing inappropriate happened.
His wife found our message history and emailed me asking whether anything had happened between us. I told her no. She hasn’t replied.
I now feel guilty for causing her additional pain during an already awful time.
AITA for visiting him and staying in touch even though it upset her?
INFO – I feel like theres potentially things not being said here. Is there some sort of romantic history between you two? And what did the emails contain?
NAH. You did a lovely thing and she’s under extreme emotional distress so probably not able to be rational. It wasn’t great that she reached out and asked you that and it wasn’t really nice of her to do so but she has to be struggling big time.
Info: what’s in your message history?
NTA – of course not. I’m so sorry for your friend. You wanted to visit an old friend who was dying and to me that was a beautiful thing to do. If my hubby was dying, I’d want visits from whoever means something to him – it would be all about him at this point in his life.
Not sure how the wife had approached asking you questions, but remember she is going thru a lot right now, so give her the benefit of doubt that she just needed to know for her own benefit and may not have been at her best.
Don’t worry about her. It sounds like you brought him great comfort in his last days. It was worth any jealousy on her part.
>His wife found our message history and emailed me asking whether anything had happened between us
Saying goodbye to a dying friend isn’t against marital law.
The wife has a lot going on. Whatever *their* history is, where she lurks in his message history, is between them. It has no bearing on the lifetime friendship between the two of you.
You honored an old friend, and did nothing wrong.
NTA
NTA. I think you are making your role in this larger than it needs to be. She asked, you told the truth. You did nothing wrong. Whatever she suspects is really between her and her husband. There could be history there, there could be distrust or insecurity. None of it has anything to do with you or what you have done.
NAH – she’s clearly going through a lot. She asked, you answered, your part in it is over. I’m glad you had a chance to say goodbye.
INFO: Did you two have a romantic past? Did you try to meet her and pass on your love to her?
His wife found your message history. What was in those messages.
So here is the thing. I am a widower. I asked my wife’s family if anyone knew how to reach out to her former significant other. They didn’t know how.
But if you were this man’s former lover, you really should have reached out to *her* to ask if a visit would be appropriate.
NTA – you can’t manage other people’s feelings. Saying goodbye to an old friend is more about easing their passing, but you don’t know all of the details of his relationship with his wife. Her being jealous or suspicious, dealing with her grief, isn’t anything you can fix and she should have spoken to him about it before approaching you. You also don’t know if there was a history of infidelity or if maybe your friend at one time might have had feelings for you and if his wife knew about it.
Why didn’t she know about your visit? Did he keep that a secret from her? We don’t know the history between you two to determine YTA/NTA.
NTA. You’re saying goodbye to an old friend. You should not feel guilty. But the wife is going through a lot so she gets a pass on how she reacted.
You’re fine. I’m glad you had a chance to say goodbye. It’s so important.
NTA – That doesn’t sound like it’s about you. Internal issues in their marriage. I’m glad that you got a chance to see your friend.