For context, me (24F) and my roommate (23M) have been best friends for years, we just moved in together a few months ago.
I am a very quiet and reserved person, my roommate knows this and usually understands.
Before moving in, we sat down and discussed our boundaries and one thing we both agreed on was that we wouldn’t have significant others stay overnight if the other person is home.
He recently got into a relationship and the guy has been at our apartment very often, they are both really loud and I work very early in the morning so it’s honestly been disrupting my sleep and daily routine.
Last week his boyfriend stayed for two days straight, overnight. I tried talking to my roommate about it, explaining that I wasn’t comfortable and we both agreed not to do that before moving in. He just shrugged it off, and since then his boyfriend has been leaving around 5 or 6 am, which in my eyes is still staying the night.
Our apartment is very small and it feels like he is intruding on my space most of the time, they stay up all night being fairly loud, so it’s been hard to get any sleep.
I understand he has a right to have company over, and I don’t mind his boyfriend coming over occasionally. His boyfriend also has his own place that they can hang out at whenever. It’s just been constant and feels disrespectful to me, especially since we explicitly agreed not to do this. I want to talk to him about it and try to explain how I feel, but I’m afraid I’ll just be shut down again. I am always very respectful about having company over, we’re never disruptive and they never stay more than a few hours.
I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, if I should just deal with this? Am I the asshole for being upset at him?
NTA. You’re not upset about the boyfriend, you’re upset about your roommate repeatedly breaking an agreed-upon boundary
NTA. He went and broke a boundary you both agreed on. Maybe try resetting boundaries? Talk over them again and maybe tell him ur uncomfortable.
We can’t judge your emotions, only your actions.
NTA. You had an agreement, your roommate is breaking that agreement anf it’s impacting your daily life in the form of reduced sleep and privacy. Unfortunately, it’s looking like you might need to get a new roommate who will respect your boundaries.
NTA, boundaries were set and agreed by both of you prior to moving in.
This is normal when people get a new boyfriend best you can do is just make it uncomfortable for them so they go to another place.
Question: is both your names on the lease?
Remind him firmly that from the beginning, overnight guests were discussed, and it was a mutual decision. When he is present, the noise level is not conducive to a good night’s rest. Ask him if they can spend more time at the friend’s apartment. Be open about your needs and willing to make compromises as needed.
**NTA.** You’re not upset about him having a boyfriend — you’re upset because he’s breaking a boundary you *both* agreed to before moving in, and it’s affecting your sleep and daily life.
Overnight guests change the feel of a shared space, especially a small apartment, and constant noise when you work early isn’t something you should just “deal with.” The fact that his boyfriend has his own place makes this even more reasonable.
You tried to communicate respectfully and got shrugged off. That’s the real issue here. Wanting the agreement you made to be honoured isn’t controlling — it’s basic roommate respect.
I’m sorry OP, but this person doesn’t respect you.
You can’t fix this. Only roommate can and he isn’t going to.
Move out?
NTA the established boundaries are being thrown out the window now.
I feel like this is a learning opportunity. As an adult it would be extremely difficult to arrange between all parties when someone’s SO can spend the night. You both agreed to it beforehand but it wasn’t sustainable. Living with someone means their partner is inevitably going to spend the night and everyone’s calendars aren’t always going to align. NTA because you both agreed but I think you’re all learning how unfeasible of a request it is for everyone involved.