F22. Friends Simone and Lisa since high school. S often asks to borrow money. I’ve borrowed from her before and always paid back. She borrows and often doesn’t repay, or pays late. She’d call crying she needed food or an Uber. I was unemployed, living in an abusive home (they knew), getting unstable support from my dad. Simone had two jobs.
A week before my graduation, I had money saved for my hair and dress. Simone calls crying, short on rent. I stressed I needed it back. She promised Friday. Friday, silence. I called/texted. She finally called at 6pm, crying, apologizing, saying she’d get it to me when she could. My appointment was the next day. My sister bailed me out. Simone paid me back a week later.
A few weeks later, a banking delay left me with no money for food. I called Simone. She didn’t answer, so I texted asking to borrow for food. She replied, "Sorry I can’t." Asked what for, I said "food," and she ghosted. My sister helped me. Next day, I called S to talk; she ignored me. I texted that I needed distance from the friendship.
She instantly replied, saying she’s depressed, has a lot going on, that I might think she’s taking advantage but she’s not, she loves me, wants to talk. I said "ok, I understand." She called/texted for three days.
I had a rough few days and called Lisa just to talk, NOT to mention Simone. Lisa immediately said, "We care about you, you can’t just disappear on people who’ve been there for you." I was confused. She started yelling that I was "so defensive," to "call us when you’re better." I said my issue wasn’t with her. It became clear Simone had talked to her.
I called Simone, said it wasn’t cool to bring a mutual friend into it. She apologized, said she was just "worried and ranting." I called Lisa back to say issues with one person should stay that way. Lisa yelled that my text was not okay, that I "should open up." I offered to send screenshots for context. She said, "We don’t need your receipts." I was left crying.
This was months ago and I have been re-triggered with something else happening and it would have been too long. I would elaborate more in a comment or another post.
I feel ganged up on. AITA for asking for distance?
NTA – As far as I can tell your friends are only friends when they need something. They dont appear to be people you can rely on. You sister sounds great though as we all need help sometimes.
Take your distance and maybe start looking for friends who are more mature, People change and you may have outgrown these 2 friends.
Sorry they are not your friends. NTA.
NTA. Maybe time to open your eyes and realise that these people don’t like you.
NTA. Your 2 friends suck. Be patient and take the time to find better ones.
Do NOT loan any more money. They will make it a condition for their future friendship with you as a sign that “you care.” But there will be a day where they won’t pay you back, and you’ll be back in this same exact place again, only with less money.
NTA but also don’t lend money if you can’t afford for the other person to flake on you, that way lies trouble
NTA. You’re kinda being an asshole to yourself by keeping these people around, and hopefully getting some space will help you see that.
NTA Taking space in a relationship can be great and it’s a red flag if someone won’t allow that space. I suggest taking space from both relationships and really assessing whether these are net positive friendships.
Make sure your boundaries are clear. If you state that “issues with one person should stay that way,” you shouldn’t immediately offer to send screenshots from the other convo for context.
NTA. Don’t ask for distance, run. They are not good friends.
Start concentrating on yourself and your future. Plan on how to support yourself comfortably in the future. Community college? It’s free in the U.S. You can also take short courses like phebotomy that gets you a steady job with benefits in a hospital or doctors’ offices. Take two weeks to study online what your closest community colleges have to offer. You can ask for a local hairdresser to train you and in return you will clean the place each evening. Make it about you and how to get what you want out of life.
Oh honey, these people are noooot friends. This is common tripod friendship dynamics. They’re ride or die with each other and you are a superfluous 3rd who they can take or leave or even replace. You’re all grown now, but stuck in highschool acting like high schoolers. Shed them now and put your energy into more meaningful relationships. NTA
I would make a hasty exit from this situation. These people aren’t your friends anymore. Theres no need to stick with people where only you are making an effort. I have been in something very similar and sometimes people do outgrow each other but the good memories are still there but life is taking you in a different direction. Do not lend money you cannot afford not to have, especially as you already knew how flaky she was. Its ok to mourn the loss of this friendship and please do as it will allow you some closure.
I would start saving, find a new hobby or use an old one to make new friends and move on. Bit like you would if it was a partner ….. if it’s not growing in the right direction its bye bye xx