Throwaway, because I’m pretty active in some communities that I want to keep separate from this post (art + hobby related)
I (24F) have a pretty horrible dating history. I’ve never had a relationship end in a way that wasn’t a world shattering disaster (multiple cheating cases, ghosting, abuse, etc). Last year I had the worst breakup of my entire life that shook me up for a full year and some change. I don’t have a big circle but I have a small group of friends that are all aware of my bad history with relationships.
This year I decided to dip my toe back into dating after the breakup and was casually seeing a few people over about 4-6 weeks. Other important context is that I have bipolar, and if you didn’t know, a big part of that is getting very excited over new things and having your interest die over time. The same goes with relationships, you tend to get really hyped and optimistic after a good first date only for things to fizzle and have to tell everyone it didn’t work out, which can be really embarrassing.
This time when I decided to date around, I deliberately didn’t tell anyone I was doing it. I’m just a little sick of messaging all my friends about this nice new person I’m seeing only for it not to work out, and they’re probably sick of me telling them all about new things I’m interested in, knowing it’ll fizzle away. I am working on it, I’m just aware that I’m hard to deal with.
While dating around on a few apps I met my current boyfriend, and I realised quickly I wanted to see him more than just a casual/FYB situation. We saw eachother a few times before deciding to be exclusive. I didn’t tell any of my friends just in case it didn’t work out, but now it’s been 4 months and still going steady so I decided to tell people. I sent a few pictures to my group chats saying ‘hard launch’, expecting people to laugh with me, especially since I’m hilariously bad at keeping secrets.
Basically everybody blew up at me, telling me I had lied to them for 4 months and that I was being weird and betraying their friendship and trust by not telling them I had a boyfriend. I hate lying outright so the whole time I was lying by omission, just not telling them I was going on dates and then seeing someone exclusively. I’m mortified and don’t want to lose all my friends over something I thought would just be a fun surprise/funny reveal. If I genuinely messed up and this wasn’t an OK thing for me to do I want to know, I’m neurodivergent so it’s hard for me to know with things like this. I’m not trying to rally people into my corner, if this is something that would generally hurt people I want to know so I can do better next time.
NTA. I am a super private person and don’t bring an SO around friends or family until I’m sure about the relationship. I’m entitled that, as is every adult in a consensual relationship. Your friends are totally overreacting and not being very mature.
their reactions are probably a huge part of why you didn’t tell them. Not knowing about a friend’s boyfriend isn’t a super uncommon thing, and if they reacted like this, you may want to consider new friends.
NAH. Your fine to decide what info to share with your friends. They’re fine to think it’s odd/a change when you stop involving them in information you previously used to share. Where you might be mildly YTA is that in your post you assume they don’t want to hear anymore. The saying “assuming makes an ass out of you and me” kind of comes from situations like this, especially if they could tell you were being secretive or weird.
I’d just tell them honestly why you did it. You felt your BPD makes you hype up things and they end quickly and you feel awkward always making announcements of great dates and then them fizzling and you were just feeling a little awkward. Be earnest that you didn’t do it to hide it from them but you realize now how it comes off and that you are sorry it appears that way.
NTA. You did something for you and prioritized your own emotional and mental health before sharing with others. It’s understandable to your friends to feel taken aback but no one is entitled to know everything about YOUR life.
This is your life and not gossip, when you felt secure you shared. Genuine friends will be happy for you at the end of the day.
I would let your friends know you wanted to be sure before hard launching him and now that you are, you felt ready to share with those close to you.
You’re NTA. It’s nothing wrong with holding your cards close to your chest and giving some things time to develop. You are GROWING. You noticed a pattern that you didn’t like, and you changed it. You seem really mature and self-aware. This internet stranger is proud of you! Congrats on the new relationship!
NTA. Maybe it’s a cultural thing for you, I don’t know? How I grew up, there was nothing that said one had to tell others about their relationships. While common, it wasn’t mandatory.
Given your history, I can understand you wanted things to be a bit more stable before publicly committing to it, so to speak.
If your friends are around your age, I’d say they need to grow up a bit, this is how kids would react to their besties not telling them everything. Who ever tells everyone everything?
Hope they can come around, otherwise you might consider that they aren’t really your friends.
NTA. What you do on your time is for you and only you. However I think your friends are just worried about you since you have a horrible dating history. Just explain to them everything you said here and say you won’t do it again and I’m sure you will be fine. If they are still mad then it’s something deeper and they might not actually be your friends or have them explain to you why it bothers them so much. Just communicate with them
NTA.
However. Have you done any work on yourself since your last breakup? Did you go to therapy? Did you get your medications checked/adjusted? Did you read any books about healthy relationships? Have you made any meaningful changes in your approach, view, beliefs about relationships?
If all that has happened is the passage of time, then you’re simply going to repeat what you’ve done before. If you make no changes, you will repeat previous patterns.
And sadly, the men that you find yourself most attracted to, and most quickly attracted to, will be men that are the most similar to your previous boyfriends. Because they feel familiar to your nervous system. And familiar = safe to ones nervous system, even when it is most certainly not safe or healthy.
Your friends are probably concerned because they don’t want you repeating the exact same thing as you did previously, and getting hurt again.
You have to change your outlook on relationships, deep down, in order to have different, healthy, relationships. Heal yourself, so you don’t keep looking for the same type of person that feels like they fit that inner wound.
Good luck.
I recommend the books “why does he do that”, “men who hate women”, there’s one by Laura bates and another by Susan forward, “adult children of emotionally immature parents”, and “attached: the new science of adult attachment”
NTA. I don’t tell anyone (including friends and family) that I’m dating someone until I know it’s getting serious. When I was dating my last bf, I was honestly shocked by the reactions from some of my friends.. as if I committed some huge betrayal. I never lied to them since they never asked me if I was dating. If they asked, I would’ve told them I was seeing someone. One friend was so offended and said, “how long were you planning on hiding this from me?” It’s only been a few months at that point, and I was planning on eventually telling my friends once I was ready. I’ve always been a private person and don’t really show my friends or bf on social media, or even talk about them in general.
I think I’m going NAH/ mild E.S.H.
I don’t think you’re an AH for not telling everyone about your dating life. It sounds like you were experimenting and just having no-stress fun; casual flings. No one needs to know everything that’s going on in your private life, especially if it’s not a serious thing at the moment.
Why tell people if it ends up not being serious or that significant?
I also don’t think your friends are AH, *if* their concerns are based in worry. They know your history, and hard launching someone out of the blue with said history, could have set off alarms for them.
Here’s where the mild E.S.H comes in. Lying by omission isn’t great. If your friends tend to be your shoulder to cry on, I could see it not feeling great that you were lying to them.
Also, I would try to get out of the assumptions of them not wanting to hear about your dating escapades. Unless they have told you that, don’t assume as it separates you from your support group.
If you hide your life from them, don’t be surprised if they do the same to you.
For them, I think calling it a betrayal is blowing it out of proportion. You didn’t betray anyone.
Good for you for being aware and working on your life though. Genuinely! Being that aware of how your brain is wired and trying to work past that is so impressive.
I don’t think you’ll lose your friends, just maybe be honest about why you hid it.
You don’t owe them anything bruh
INFO: Did anyone ever ask if you were seeing someone or going on dates? If they did, did you tell them no? Based on your post, it seems like that wasn’t the case and you just didn’t say anything as opposed to straight up lying. It’s hard to even say that you “lied by omission” if nobody asked you about it.
I’m going to lean towards NTA here, because that just feels like a weird reaction to your announcement, especially if the folks involved are aware of your dating history. And tbh, 4 months is such a short period of time… calling this a “betrayal” seems kind of wild.
I guess if you want to explain your reasoning, you could just be honest and tell them that you didn’t want to get both your and their hopes up. That you weren’t sure it wasn’t going to go well just based on previous experiences.
Yikes. I thought you were a highschooler or something, by how your friends are acting. You don’t need their permission to date, and you don’t have to tell them about every little thing.
NTA. I think it’s great you’ve learned to be more careful with your heart.
NTA. Your dating life shouldn’t have to be anyone’s business if you don’t want it to be