(Throwaway because nephew knows main account)
I (34m) well off financially. I have a lot of cars, but I’ve worked for every cent of it. I don’t have kids of my own, so I like to spend my money on things that actually matter to me.
My sister has 12-year-old twins, Sven and Emma (fake names). Sven and I are both autistic and share a massive "special interest" in mechanical engineering. He’s always in the garage with me, getting greasy and learning how things work. Emma is great, but we don’t click. She’s into fashion and competitive dance. I try to be involved, but we usually run out of things to talk about after a few minutes (which I have with most people, autism I guess)
Last week, I bought a project car for Sven. It’s a beat-up BMW E30 for ~$3,000 (more including parts and stuff). Calling it a car is generous. The engine needs a total rework, the interior is gone, and it doesn’t even roll straight, it’s basically a metal shell. It isn’t a gift he can use now. It’s going to take years of hard labor before he can even think about driving it.
My sister is furious. She says spending 3k on Sven and nothing on Emma is blatant favoritism (and sexism etc.). She wants me to spend 3k on Emma for a new iPhone, designer clothes, and tech.
I told her no. This car is an investment in a skill and a hobby we share. By the time we’re done, that E30 will actually be worth money, whereas a $1,000 phone is worth nothing in two years. I’m not just handing him a toy, I’m giving him (and myself) 500 hours of manual labor. I’m not willing to just drop thousands of dollars on clothes and gadgets for Emma just to "keep things even" when there’s no bonding or work involved.
My sister’s last word on it was that I’m being a hypocrite. She says that if I really cared about the investment, I’d be happy to invest in Emma’s dance career, which is just as much hard labor as fixing an engine. She thinks I’m using autism as an excuse to ignore my niece and favor the twin who is easier for me to talk to. She told me that fair is fair, and if I can afford a surprise car for one, I can afford a surprise MacBook for the other. She’s essentially told me I’m being a "cool uncle" to one and a "deadbeat uncle" to the other.
So, AITA for buying my nephew a projectcar and giving my niece nothing (yet)?
Edit: It stays in my name (atleast) until he is 18 (can’t do it earlier in my country). If he doesn’t work for it, it will be sold and he will get nothing. It says in my garage too (can’t really go anywhere else).
Edit 2: I WILL get her sonething to do with her interests, just not sure what, but definitely not the consumerism
The favoritism is going to hurt your niece regardless of your intentions
YTA
YTA
This is blatant favoritism. I feel really bad for your niece .
YTA
There are several problems here.
1. You ARE showing blatant favoritism to your nephew.
2. You should never purchase a gift that large for a child without consulting their parents FIRST.
YTA.
I don’t agree with buying the phone and clothes but investing in her dance would be the best decision. It’s your niece not your friend. Who cares if you don’t share the same interests? It’s all love.
YTA
You can do whatever you like with your money. But what you do comes with consequences. The first of which is that your niece working out that she is not important to you and that you are not interested in spending time with her. The second of which may be that your sister puts some real boundaries in place to protect her daughter from being hurt like this, and protect her son from being “spoiled”. That inequity can really damage sibling relationships. She may well limit what you can give, or even how much time you can spend with them, and I would not blame her for that.
It’s great you have a shared interest with your nephew, but there was no need to gift him the car to have him work on it and bond/spend time with you. You could have it at your place and achieve the same. He is twelve years old.
I’m not sure whether it is sexism or your autism (or both as your sister suggests) that sees your nieces interests as being lesser than your nephews. Dance is very hard work, especially if there are performances involved, and is as worthy of being supported as your nephews. I understand you clearly have no interest in it, or any other of her interests, and I surmise that means you aren’t interested in spending time with her. Which amounts, as your sister pointed out, to clear favouritism.
YTA and it’s pretty blatant. You are incredibly self aware of all of the issues you have connecting with your neice but that doesnt mean you cant take an interest. Competitive dance is extremely hard work and you are very dismissive in the way you talk about her. You can spend the money how you want but you need to be be fair to your niece. Fair isnt always equal but doing absolutely nothing for her is just wrong.
As an auntie, as an autistic person, and as the child who was often neglected and wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was 35, YTA
Sorry but you don’t get to use autism as the “reason” behind blunt favoritism. If your niece is strongly into fashion where she is even drawing designs and wanting to sew her own clothes, get her a truly great, not a cheap, sewing machine, sketch books, color pencils, and sewing supplies. THAT is how you attempt to connect with your neice, actually take time to look at what she does and say even if it’s not your hyperfixation. YTA
Not only is this blatant favoritism, it’s also a ridiculous gift for a 12 year old, who can’t drive, and doesn’t have any financial resources to pay for this “project” so no doubt you’ll also cover that, too?
Get your niece whatever her mother suggests without any smug judgement about “clothes and gadgets” or what you want to “invest” in.
You really just bought this car for yourself, and are now also using it to hurt your niece.
YTA.
YTA and your autism has nothing to do with it.
YTA – But it’s for different reasons. While I agree that what you bought for your nephew is an investment and his interest in putting in hard work, you could also support your niece and her endeavors by finding a dance camp or helping with private instruction, so that she can improve. That way both kids would be working toward their interests.
The way that you framed, this seems incredibly judgmental of people who do not consider their interests to be as important as your own. Your niece may night become a professional dancer, but you have invested in her brother, in a way that you are clearly neglecting to do for her.
No one can tell you how to spend your own money, but you are creating a schism between your niece and nephew, because you have deemed her interest less interesting, which is incredibly cruel to do for a child. I cannot even tell you how many children’s events I’ve gone to for things that I’m not entirely interested in, but I do so, and I talk to them about it, because I am a loving member of their community and I want them to know they are supported.
YTA you are playing favorites because one is a boy and one is a girl. Sexist AF
YTA
You do realize that autism in girls and women presents differently, and chances are your niece is autistic too? Her special interests may just be fashion and dance.
You’re being a huge AH, and yes, misogyny is a part of it. Stop hiding behind being nuerodivergent as an excuse for being an AH.
-signed, another autistic AFAB tired of this shit
YTA because of the dismissive way you talk about your niece and her interests. It’s clear you think your nephew is smart, and your niece just dumb, shallow, and materialistic.