This relates to single situation but its a build up of things happening for years. I’ll try my best to keep it as short as possible.
Both me and my sister have been dealing with mental illness. My sister for longer and her illness is more visible on a daily basis. This is why my Mom worries and cares for her more. She always says she knows I can take care of myself. My sister decided to restart her life and started another university. That’s not a problem, what is the problem is that she barely goes to class and doesn’t work. Every chore that’s more "mentally taxing" is automatically redirected to me. Most days I have to handle chores, cooking and groceries on weekends even though I used to tutor full time and was gone from home all day. Now I work full time and tutor and it’s the same.
My mom enables all of this, saying my sister is just a struggling ‘poor kid.’ But my sister refuses any work, even tutoring I offer her, because she won’t "wake up early or go far outside the house" and she’s almost 30. It’s frustrating because I struggle with mental illness too. I’ve been medicated, survived … attempts, and still find basic tasks overwhelming, yet I push through because I have to support myself and help my family. Meanwhile, my sister openly says she’ll stay home and "relax since she can and she values her sleep", and my mom sees it as assertiveness or a cute quirk. It feels like my sister’s struggles have spilled over to my mom as well, as she’s showing similar signs of compulsion.
My mom sometimes admits my sister needs to get her life together, but the next day she goes back to defending her. Whenever I point out the problems, I’m called disgusting, that I don’t love them, or told to go live with my partner because I’m a ‘traitor’ and prefer to be with him and his family. All I did was ask my sister to help with a small chore since I’m overwhelmed with work. She promised twice, then refused, and today my mom said she ‘can’t get out of bed,’ so it won’t happen, again. My mom is worried because my sister stays in her room more, while I’m barely functioning, crying daily, struggling with basic tasks like showering, and drowning in work. I sometimes receive warmth but mostly I’m told to "grow up or stop being ungrateful". My sister, who’s older and does much less and still gets empathy.
I finally broke down and told my sister that she won, that my mom would always choose her. Now they say I’m cruel and aren’t speaking to me. I know my mom loves me, but the unfairness hurts and leaves me feeling alone, unloved and left out . Maybe I’m seeing it wrong, but am I the asshole?
NTA
Your mother can be supportive without enabling her behavior. She should get professional help…
NTA this isnt the right environment for u
NTA
Maybe do move to your partner’s house. Let your mum see just how little her precious little darling does, that you are the one maintaining 98% of the burden.
Let them guilt trip you. They will only do that because it’s easier for them to be horrible to you rather than admit they’re the problem.
You’ve done the work, you work through and keep going even when you don’t want to. You should be proud because you are facing your issues, taking accountability and doing something about it. I understand how hard that can be.
I would love to move and we plan to but he lives abroad and itd be too expensive for me at the moment. Until the first possible date I have to manage.
Thank you for the kind words though and your reply. My Mom has moments of appreciation where she says Im very strong but the next day she can call me a coward and selfish. So I never know what I’m gonna get.
Why are you still living there? You have a partner, go live with them. I’m sure your mental health will improve by leaps and bounds if you get away from your family. Trust me, I know from experience.
My partner lives far abroad and while we can visit each other sometimes its too expensive for me to move out right now. I don’t know the language yet too, Im still learning. We have a plan to move in a year but until then I have to manage here somehow. Thank you for your reply!
NTA, but you need to find a way to move out and prioritize your own health. You are staying in a home, providing for two people, who don’t see your pain, see you’re struggling, or worse, they do but they don’t care.
Stop setting yourself on fire every morning to keep two people warm who wouldn’t give you an extra blanket to sleep at night. If you’re under the care of a mental wellness team, talk to your therapist or psychologist about making a plan to get yourself as emotionally, physically, and financially prepared as possible, and then take the steps to move out on your own, or in with your partner if they ask you to. It’s time to let them take care of themselves.
If your sister is incapable of leaving the bed everyday, of taking her medication regularly, of cooking and cleaning up for herself, she needs to be under much more intensive care, and your mom is either failing to do for your sister what is needed, or she’s coddling someone who is weaponizing their illness. Either way, it’s out of your hands, and it shouldn’t be your responsibility. OP, I hope you are able to take care of yourself and get out and into a safer space where you can focus on you.
You are nta. They are bullying and using you. For the sake of your own health, it is probably best to move out, on your own, to your partner, away from them.
NTA but this situation isn’t going to change. Your family situation sounds deeply dysfunctional and it’s time to move out. If you think you can’t because you’d be betraying them or letting them down, look into codependency and maybe get yourself into therapy to work out why you think their needs are more important than yours. Take care of yourself and get out of there.