I (18F) am not very good with emotions. I’m overly empathetic and emotional so I usually mask and suppress my emotions. It’s now at the point I can’t show emotions easily when I need to. Especially around people.
When I was 14 my uncle died. I cried a lot on my own at home before and after the funeral. But around people I couldn’t openly show my sadness and cry other than through my words.
The thing they’re specifically holding a grudge about happened a year later. When I was 15. My baby cousin was born. Everyone was celebrating the baby being born and my auntie said “cute. It’s a year since \[Uncle\] died too today.”
I wanted to be supportive towards her. And I remembered something that helped the family when my grandmother died on the same day my other cousin was born. Eveyone said it’s like he was reincarnated as my grandmother. And a lot of people really liked that. So I thought I’d try and be supportive and I said. “It’s like with grandma 🙂 reincarnation! <3”.
I thought it would be a nice thing to say and it would help like it did in that situation. But it didn’t. She got really upset at me for saying that. I apologised at the time for being insensitive.
I really didn’t mean anything by it. I thought that was the end of that awkward moment until I was 17 and I overheard her and my aunties talking about me saying that at a family reunion.
I felt upset because it had been so long and I made a mistake but didn’t confront them. Until today. It’s 4 years since his death. I’m 18 now. They made a groupchat about how next year they want to do a 5 year death anniversary reunion.
My whole family except me was added to to the group chat. Including my parents and sister but not me. My parents said about the memorial thing to me assuming I’m invited obviously. I said that sounds like a great idea. Until I get a message from my auntie (not the one whose husband died but one who was gossiping about me at the other family reunion.)
She asked me if I’m planning on attending the family reunion. I said yes. She told me not to come. I asked why and she said about the reincarnation comment I made 3 years ago and how it’s really upset the family.
They all then continued to make plans including with my siblings. I then started a group call with my aunties who I heard gossiping about me when I was 17 apart from the one who’s husband died as clearly she’s going through a lot. I told them they don’t have to invite me to the memorial that’s theirs and my other aunties choice but I really didn’t mean anything by that comment. And then keeping it against me for 3 years is insane.
I also miss him he was my uncle.
My other auntie has contacted me saying that they told her what I said and I can’t dictate who she does and doesn’t have at the reunion of her husband. And I am making everything worse. I told her of course that’s her choice hope she’s ok.
I feel really guilty and like an asshole. I really didn’t want to cause her pain.
EDITED TO ADD JUDGEMENT based on OP’s reply:
NAH. Clearly what OP said hurt her aunt deeply. She didn’t mean to, but she did.
OP’s parents are probably of no help to them because they don’t want to rock the boat, and probably will end up going to the memorial event and not saying anything.
You’ve apologised, and that hasn’t helped. You have offered your best wishes to the grieving widow, and that hasn’t helped. So, that’s that.
Leave it. But don’t forget about what has happened. You’ll need to keep it in your pocket for the future, but not out of cruelty or revenge, just in case balance is needed.
People can say things at times of loss that can be upsetting to the bereaved, either because the words came out wrong, or landed wrong, or because the speaker simply didn’t consider the grieving person.
I hope you can find a way to celebrate your uncle in your own way on that day.
. . .
INFO: How have your parents reacted to your exclusion?
They feel awkward about it and don’t want to go anymore because they feel awkward but haven’t said anything
So, they’re of no help to you, because they don’t want to rock the boat, and probably will end up going and not saying anything.
You’ve apologised, and that hasn’t helped. You have offered your best wishes to the grieving widow, and that hasn’t helped. So, that’s that.
Leave it. But don’t forget about what has happened. You’ll need to keep it in your pocket for the future, but not out of cruelty or revenge, just in case balance is needed.
People can say things at times of loss that can be upsetting to the bereaved, either because the words came out wrong, or landed wrong, or because the speaker simply didn’t consider the grieving person.
I hope you can find a way to celebrate your uncle in your own way on that day.
Why were they all so upset when they were okay with it when someone said that about your grandma?
I think you need to sit down and have a real conversation with them. NTA
Oh honey, you didn’t say anything rude and you apologized since she was offended!! Completely NTA and I’m sorry your family is being so petty.
Yes, I think we can all see why OP is ‘overly sensitive’. She seems to be punished for expressing normal sentiments and feelings so she hides them. Her family isn’t a safe space for her, it seems. Poor kid.
NTA. People at 14 often says things that they regret years later. People should understand and forgive such faux pas.
What is more, you don’t need to go to any memorial to commemorate your uncle. You can do so on your own.
Hard NTA.
Your comment did not even speak badly of him. But it probably clashed with her beliefs. Is she deeply religious, in whatever religion she subscribes to? Unfortunately for you, it really was a very awkward thing to say, as the idea of her husband back in a baby’s body might have been repulsive to her.
But you were 15. A kid. And she’s holding FIVE WORDS over your head. After *four years*. That’s blowing it way out of proportion. It’s up to her if she doesn’t want you in her husband’s death anniversary commemoration. But the reunion? She doesn’t get to dictate your attendance in that.
I’m counting 4 years since you made the comment at the 1-year anniversary and it’s now the 5-year anniversary.
I think you need to start being really hard on boundaries here. It’s completely unfair that you have to do all this apologizing and feeling guilty over something that’s literally not a big deal. Someone else said it and it’s fine but when you say it it’s bad? NO. Plus there just literally wasn’t anything offensive about it at all. I think from here on out you need to have a genuine talk about how it’s incredibly shitty for everyone to turn their backs on you including uninviting you from a reunion involving YOUR uncle’s death. He mattered to you, and for them to be shutting you out and accusing you of “upsetting the family” is disgusting on their behalf and completely disregards how you’ve felt about all of it. Again, I say cuss them out, tell them the truth, do something to get them to understand they’re grown ass people hanging on to a nothing burger of a sentence you said when you were 15.
NTA
I have read this 3-4 times now, and I do not understand what bothered them. As in, I normally can *understand* (even if I often do not *agree*) the view of everyone involved. But this one baffles me. Not as in that she should give you slack cause you was just 17 or whatever, but it does not make sense. At all.
Your aunts should forgive you because of something you said a few years ago. Sorry for your loss. Hard NTA
NTA. I don’t understand why your parents aren’t standing up for you. Part of growing up is learning how to behave and interact with others. Part of learning is making mistakes. I’m neurodivergent and my children are too. I am constantly trying to teach them the social cues/norms that I struggled with so they are hopefully able to avoid the many times I said or did something that didn’t land how I thought it would. I’m sorry you’re learning this lesson from your family instead of with your family. In most situations it is fairly easy to tell if something was done/said with good intentions or maliciously. Family is not who was born with the same blood as you. You are 18 and unfortunately have to decide if the people you share blood with are your family. Mine aren’t. But they are showing you clearly you aren’t theirs. This isn’t all bad. You’re young and have a long time to make your own family and be with people who love you instead of suffering through with your insufferable aunties.
NTA your aunts are weird for holding a grudge against a 15 y/o (at the time) and for 3 years. You apologized and they are still angry for what? It wasn’t like your comment had ill intent or was rude, they essentially chose to be offended for some reason.
At the end of the day though, you obviously can’t force your aunt to invite you and at this point I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to them at all. You can visit your uncles grave and leave some flowers or mourn however you wish. Have you explained the entire situation to your parents? I’m sure they’d take your side. Personally if you were my kid, I’d tell them we’re doing our own memorial, sorry for her loss but they’re not going to treat my child like that over a silly remark that was from a place of kindness. Sorry your family sucks.
So a bunch of family members are holding a grudge who made a comment when she was a child?? Am I the only one who thinks that is over the top? OP you made your apologies for what you said. You move on and live your life with no worries. NTA