I F24 have been dealing with a lot from my boyfriend lately. He has a habit of getting blackout drunk and acting completely different angry, defensive, and careless with my feelings. When he’s sober, he pretends nothing happened, and I’m left holding the emotional mess.
Recently, something felt off, so when he passed out drunk again, I checked his phone. Before anyone jumps on me I know checking a partner’s phone isn’t great, but I was genuinely worried about what he was hiding.
What I found was worse than I expected. There were messages and videos he never mentioned, conversations with people he told me not to worry about, and comments that completely crossed the boundaries we had agreed on. It wasn’t one mistake it was a pattern. A double life.
When I confronted him the next day, he immediately got defensive and played the victim. He said I violated his privacy, ignored what I found, and tried to twist it into me being the problem. He even acted like he didn’t remember half the things he did while drunk, which is a pattern. He never takes responsibility he just blames the alcohol.
I didn’t yell, I didn’t insult him, but I told him directly that the drinking, the lying, the things in his phone, and the way he acts like I’m crazy for noticing all of it is unacceptable. I made it clear that I’m not going to ignore things that are hurting me.
He says I’m the asshole for starting drama and digging for things to be mad about, and that I should have trusted him.
But I honestly feel like I reacted reasonably given the situation.
AITA for confronting him about what I found and telling him his behavior is not okay?
NTA: This isn’t a criminal case… so you can’t just dismiss evidence that was obtained surreptitiously. Given his pattern of behavior (one that was so bad you found it necessary to snoop on his phone), I would rate you tah if you don’t end this relationship. If it’s this bad, what are you getting out of it beside heartache?
we broke up i’m done.
NTA, but how many giant, waving, visible from space red flags is it going to take for you to leave this relationship?
There are so many red flags, agreed — and one that I think shouldn’t be overlooked is: OP conveniently neglects to mention her alcoholic boyfriend’s age. I can’t help but wonder what the age gap here is.
NTA. Sounds like he tried DARVO and you said nope. Kick him out its trash day
I’m glad he is out of my life
NTA. “…I made it clear that I’m not going to ignore things that are hurting me.”
He’s an angry, lying, and untrustworthy drunk. Stop wasting your time on this guy. Break up and focus on yourself.
NTA but like, what was the consequence here? He broke your trust, he treats you badly when he drinks, he lies, and it sounds like he’s at least flirting with other people, if not cheating.
If you’re still with him, then you’re not holding your boundaries, you’re just ‘calling him out’ and he’s getting away with it, who’s to say that he’ll stop?
Nta. Just leave this asshole already
This is written by ai and it’s so obvious..
YTA for hanging around and talking to him.
The time for talking has passed. Pack your bags and move out. It is time to call the time of death on this relationship.
“My boyfriend is an angry aggressive drunk and I found out during one of his blackouts that he’s cheating on me. He said I shouldn’t have been snooping. AITAH?🥺”. Like, what about this requires advice or nuance?
NTA
But seriously…why the hell are you wasting your time on this guy? Nothing you’ve described sounds healthy. This guy is the Titanic and you’re on the dock with a ticket knowing the boat is gonna sink. Are you seriously still getting on the boat?
Just dump him. FFS. You are 24. Too damn young to be tied to a drunk. NTA.