I (26F) just need to get this off my chest and maybe get some outside perspective because I feel really conflicted and guilty.
Last year, my mom (50) caught my dad (52) cheating. They separated briefly, then got back together after about a week. A month later, he cheated again. After that, my mom developed really bad anxiety and panic attacks that lasted about five months. Being around my dad is apparently so triggering for her that she can’t even live in the same house as him.
Because of this, she moved in with me. I live with my fiancé, and we’ve been supporting her emotionally and financially. I make more than she does, so I’ve been buying groceries and cooking most of the meals. I didn’t mind at first because she was clearly struggling and needed help.
The thing is… she takes food from my house food I buy and cook and brings it to my dad. This is the same man who cheated on her multiple times and has also disrespected me directly. They don’t live together because of the anxiety he causes her, but now she’s talking about getting back together with him again.
It honestly makes me feel angry, used, and disrespected. It feels like my money and effort are indirectly supporting someone who hurt her and hurt me. On top of that, I live with my fiancé and I want privacy and peace in our home. It feels unfair to him that our space and resources are being used to support my parents’ drama.
I eventually confronted my mom. I told her I wasn’t okay with her giving my food to my dad and, calmly but honestly, told her that it’s making me lose respect for her not because she’s my mom, but because she keeps enabling someone who hurt her and disrespected me while relying on me for support.
She was hurt by this, and now I feel guilty because she’s mentally unwell and scared. Plus, culturally I feel like I should always support her. But at the same time, my boundaries feel like they’re being ignored.
AITA for confronting her and setting limits even though she’s struggling?
NTA. You can absolutely draw a line here. Tell her explicitly that your money will not go towards anything for your dad. She can either respect that AND start going to therapy or she can move out.
NTA. But you will be if you keep enabling her. Your father is using her and she’s letting him. She’s using you and you’re letting her. Set boundaries if she is to continue being in your life. Like she needs to go no contact with your father. And she needs to get therapy. That is, if you continue to have her in your life.
That’s all a little extreme, don’t you think?
No. She does need therapy. If her anxiety is that bad, and I don’t doubt it is, she needs professional help. And she also needs to get her husband out of her life. But she won’t if the OP doesn’t set hard boundaries. Unless they are both willing to tolerate the horrible behavior of the father/husband. And he won’t change if his behavior is tolerated.
NTA. I suggest you tell her that she cannot take YOUR food or YOUR money and give it to him, or you will promptly kick her out.
And she needs to start therapy now, with a hopeful move out date in a month or two.
1st paragraph yes. 2nd paragraph no
YTA.
I want you to think back for a minute. I’m guessing that since you turned 18, there have been at least a few times that you reminded her that like it or not, something was your decision not hers, she didn’t get a vote and you didn’t need her permission because you were an adult.
Like it or not, her relationship with your dad is her decision not yours, you don’t get a vote and she doesn’t need your permission because she’s an adult.
YTA. What a way to pile on your mom when she’s probably at her lowest point in her life. Telling her you are losing respect for her after her husband completely disrespected her. She’s in a tail spin and trying to make sense of these huge life changes that are happening around her. Some women find it hard to just stop being the caretaker of someone that they’ve taken care of for a long time even if that person hurt her. She actually might blame herself and feel the need to prove to him that she’s worthy. She’s being abused by him so she needs empathy and support. She needs help, not criticism.
Instead of being so critical of her why don’t you sit her down and show your support for her while giving her your feelings on her behavior towards your father. You don’t want to push her back to the abusive situation so find a way to encourage her to see the situation for what it truly is.
Regardless of this, it’s reasonable for OP not to want to financially support their mom *and* their dad because of all of this. If their mom is living with them and diverting even more than one persons worth of OP’s food and resources away, that’s not cool.
NTA She needs to pay her way, first and foremost, and understand that if she keeps giving away your food she will need to make other housing arrangements.
Can you get her to go to counseling?
Why isn’t your dad supporting her? That cheating asshole should be paying her temporary alimony or something. No way she should just walk away and leave him with everything.
Does she have an attorney?
She needs professional help.
You are NTA.
NTA
Your mom, however. She has multiple issues. She is a serious people pleasing doormat. She steals your food, cooks it and serves it to her cheating, lying husband on a platter like a servant. Bet she cleans the house and washes his clothes while she is there.
Time to tell your mother to move all her belongings to your home and start divorce proceedings. Then she needs therapy to work on her low self esteem and non-existent self respect.
YTA for telling her you’re losing respect for her.
I’m assuming they’ve been married for at least 2 decades. That is a long time and very difficult for someone to let go of. Especially if she is dependent on him financially. For her, this situation is on par with the death of a loved one. It is likely very traumatic.
In spite of this, you have every right to express your displeasure at indirectly supporting your deadbeat, cheating father. Further, you are well within your rights to invoke an ultimatum that such support cease immediately and permanently.
I would however leave out any threats of the consequences for continuing. Establishing consequences tends to leave you with the need to save face or defang your threats. If you leave it open you are free to enforce however you see fit.