I don’t want to go to her wedding because she has decided to invite both my dad and my aunt, aka his sister.
My aunt just posted some photos with my dad and his new wife over the holidays, and my mom was very triggered, and my sister does not want to pick sides, so she’s just playing the neutral part and trying to invite everybody and assuming that my mom and I are just going to put up with it when my dad left us in such a savage way. He cheated on my mom and then left us in financial ruin. My sister didn’t get affected because she (luckily for her) found a job immediately after graduating from grad school and was living with her boyfriend. I didn’t get so lucky and moved back home where I was looking for a job for over a year. During this time, I had to witness my mom struggle and make ends meet, the mortgage payments were bouncing because my dad was draining their one and only joint account and spending it on this other woman and basically neglecting our home. They ended up selling the house, and years later, my mom is still recovering financially from this divorce.
I don’t want to even be in the same room as this guy. His sister (my aunt who posted the photo) and his parents are all co-signing this behavior and pretending like this is acceptable. My sister is trying to play neutral and I’m worried about the pushback I will get for not wanting to go to my sisters wedding merely because “she’s your sister” “you have to go” “just suck it up for one day to support her”…when I know full well that if she had been in that situation, she would not have been okay with it. Reeks of lack of empathy to me. My bf also thinks if I don’t go, I’ll blow up my relationship with my sister and he thinks I’ll regret it as she’s my only sibling. I argue that my boundaries should matter too, but he thinks I’m doing this purely out of anger.
your sister isn’t being neutral she’s enabling a man who literally stole your mom’s future and left you guys in financial ruin
NAH – it definitely sounds like your dad is/was pretty awful and I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want to associate with him. Assuming you don’t give your sister “it’s me or him” ultimatum but instead simply don’t go you aren’t an AH. That said your bf isn’t wrong here – not going to your sister’s wedding is something she’s going to remember, and quite possibly have serious repercussions for your relationship going forward. At the end of the day it’s call what matters to you more – completely avoiding your dad or being there for your sister at a happy life-milestone.
Is your mother going to the wedding? How big is the wedding?
Regardless, I think that, gently, YTA.
Your father is a much bigger asshole, of course, and what he did to you and your mother is terrible. But your sister is allowed to decide she wants to preserve a relationship with him–she’s not an asshole for inviting him.
Your boyfriend is right that if you don’t go, it will be a devastating blow to your relationship with your sister. If the wedding is more than, say, 50 people, you’ll be able to avoid your father.
Think of it this way: What’s bigger, your love for your sister or your hatred for your father? I hope it’s your love for your sister.
YTA
A common piece of advice to divorcing parents is “love your kids more than you hate your ex.”
I feel that this is apt here. “Love your sister more than you hate your dad.”
You don’t have to agree with her decision, but if you love her, respect her enough to be their for her.
It’s pretty easy and a sign of maturity to be able to be civil toward someone and more or less ignore them.
NTA.
Your sister can invite whomever she wants to her wedding, but she has to live with the consequences. Additionally, in a case like this, where there’s a clearly wronged party, her “being neutral” means she’s actually picking a side – the side of the offender.
Don’t go to the wedding. Try and make your mother stay home as well, if she hasn’t decided already, because she doesn’t need that kind of hurt.
Tell your sister that you’d have loved to come, but you won’t suffer your sperm donor’s presence, so she’ll have to decide who she’d rather have present.
YTA. A wedding is never about you but the bride and groom. Spend one day honoring their commitment to each other. Unless it’s a destination wedding then f that don’t go
OP, I don’t think you’re an asshole but yes it will likely blow up your relationship.
I’m not sure what advice or judgement you’re looking for but it doesn’t really change that either way.
You can be morally in the right on lots of things and still “lose.”
You can’t magically make your sister not be incredibly upset by you deciding not to attend her wedding to avoid being in the same room as your mutual dad who you hate.
You can absolutely do that and feel justified.
Just like she can be upset whether you were justified or not.
INFO: Your boundaries matter, but so does your relationship with your sister. Your father’s an ass, and he’s taken a lot from you. How much more do you intend to let him take?
I’m not saying you should automatically go to the wedding. I’m saying, look at how much malign influence your dad’s already had on your life and seriously ask how far that’s going to spread, and why. If you decide that your sister having contact with your dad even on major occasions is reason enough to end the relationship, then decide that and own it. If you want to remain on good terms with your sister but ultimately decide you can’t bear being with your dad for that event, then sit down and talk with her in a way that prioritizes your love for her and relationship with her, NOT your feelings about your dad, because he shouldn’t get to be the center of the universe–and you’re likelier to preserve a relationship with your sister this way, by making it clear that this is about avoiding your dad, not punishing her for not doing the same.
Also: What is your mom planning to do? If it’s worth it to her to deal with his presence in order to see your sister get married–is it better for you to stay home and protect your own feelings, or to accompany your mom and support her?
Yeah, no definitive vote here because so much depends. YWBTA if you are doing this specifically to cause pain to your dad (even though he’s an ass) and are using your sister’s wedding to do it. NTA if you honestly feel you cannot be close to him and preserve the tone and spirit of the wedding. Only you can figure out where the line truly lies.
INFO- Is your mom going to the wedding? What’s her opinion on this? Your boyfriend is 100% right. Not going to the wedding will blow up your relationship with your sister and you are doing this out of anger.
YTA. Your care/love for sister should be stronger than your dislike/valid issues with anyone really. Why deny your sister just to send a message to your dad? Sometimes the relationships we want to maintain should take precedent over the bridges we want to burn, especially on such a singular special occassion.
Your feeling about your dad are valid…but it’s not your wedding and you’re making her day about you.
So you either let your feelings get in the way of being there for this major life event for your sister or you don’t. I get it… I had to go to my brothers wedding and sit at the same table with my “dad” whom I had not spoken to in years and wouldn’t care if I ever did. It wasn’t about me, it wasn’t about him….it was about my brother…period.
You might want to consider therapy. Understandable you went through something that really hurt you and impacted you greatly; but you have to let it go and reconcile this b/c you just end up angry and allow it to impact your life as it is right now. You really do not want to spend the rest of your life angry and living in the past. Just a thought
i understand not wanting to be around your dad but it’s your sisters wedding come on. i haven’t spoken to my mother in over a decade (for similar reasons but she was also an addict) but my sister recently found the connection again. i would never even consider missing her big day because she decided to invite her. at the end of the day it’s her wedding and it’s one day for you to suck it up even though you don’t want to hear that. you’re not an asshole for keeping boundaries but at the same time you are choosing your hate for your dad over your love for your sister and that’s not how it should be.
It’s actually quite simple. Which is more important to you?
A relationship with your sister for the rest of your life or a very uncomfortable day.
None of this is your sister’s fault, right? Did she ever enable him or do anything that hurt you on purpose?
Like I said, ofc this ends up being your decision, but if you think you can not attend and then ever again have the same relationship with your sister OR her future family? You’re on the completely wrong page.
Just really think it through, all I’m saying.
Soft YTA but protesting and missing out on your sister’s wedding is not nearly as satisfying as snubbing your father in person. Just a pro tip from someone who’s been there.
Now his wedding, if he ever has one, you should not attend. That’s the place to make a statement.