I 25F have this friend Sarah. We’ve been close for a few years, and everyone around us always says I’m the reliable one in the friendship. If she needs a ride, I show up. If she’s having a bad day, I listen. If she’s bored, she hits me up and I immediately change my plans to be available.
Here’s the issue she never does the same for me.
A few weeks ago, she invited me to this event she was excited about. I didn’t really want to go it was far, expensive, loud, and honestly not my vibe at all. But she insisted that it would mean a lot, so I went. I rearranged work, spent money I didn’t plan to, and forced myself through the discomfort just to support her.
Fast forward to last weekend. I asked her to just come with me to something small a chill hangout where she literally didn’t have to spend anything or travel far. She immediately said, Ugh, I don’t feel like it. Maybe next time. No apology, no attempt to compromise, nothing. She didn’t even pretend to consider it.
It hit me in that moment that I’ve been bending over backwards for someone who won’t even lean forward for me.
I confronted her gently and said that I feel like the friendship is one sided. She rolled her eyes and told me I like doing things for people and shouldn’t expect others to match my energy. That rubbed me the wrong way.
Now I’m wondering…
Was I wrong for expecting the same kind of effort I put in?
AITA for feeling hurt and pulling back from the friendship after that?
NTA. She’s a terrible friend, but you know that. Step away.
I’ve locked in my energies from her she’ll never get access to me again.
NTA but come on, you’re being a dummy. You KNOW this without any of us telling you
NTA, this woman is not your friend.
I think i’m done with this kind of friendship
NTA. Next time, practice tellling her no to whatever she asks.
When i tell her that I’ll be the bad person around, she’ll go around telling people i’m not a good one but she is the bad one here I’m tired of her already
You have to be ok being the bad guy in other people’s narrative. Your priority is maintaining your peace, and ditching her is the start to that.
Thanks for this.
Let her. When those people hear what she says, they will automatically question that story because they already know you aren’t like that. For the few that don’t know you that well and the ones that care enough about you, when they hear it, they come to you, let you know she’s said and get the truth from you. Then they will carry your torch and so everyone, including her, can see the truth in the light.
NTA in this instance, but you easily could become one.
Don’t contort yourself in uncomfortable ways to please other people. Only do things you’re okay with for them. I’m definitely not saying “never do anything for anyone”, I’m saying set reasonable boundaries and don’t make yourself into a doormat. It’s good to be thoughtful and accommodating and helpful, but you shouldn’t be doing any of those things to the point where you’re making yourself feel deeply put out or miserable.
And in return, expect friends to do the same – make reasonable accommodations, give normal amounts of help, etc. Even if you choose to have doormat energy, it’s unreasonable to expect your friends to, too.
When you set healthy boundaries for yourself, it often becomes easier to see whether what you expect of others is healthy and reasonable. People who light themselves on fire to keep others warm often expect other people to do the same for them, but nobody should be harming themselves to make someone else happy!
And if you’re thinking that you don’t know how to do that, or you don’t know what it would look/sound like, or you’re afraid that your relationships might implode if you stop being a rabid people pleaser…therapy is the answer for all of those issues. You need to learn what healthy boundaries look like, and what reasonable enforcement of healthy boundaries sounds like. You may find that some of your relationships do implode when you stop being everything to everyone, but if you’re being used and abused, you may find that letting those relationships end makes your life better and gives you more time and energy for the friends who deserve them.
Thank you for this it honestly hit me harder than I expected. You’re right, I’ve definitely fallen into the habit of stretching myself just to keep certain friendships alive, even when it leaves me feeling exhausted or unappreciated. I’m starting to realize that setting boundaries doesn’t make me a bad friend, it just means I’m valuing myself the same way I value others. Your point about not lighting yourself on fire to keep other people warm really resonated with me. I’ve been doing exactly that I’m going to start practicing healthier limits and paying attention to who respects them. If some relationships fade because of that, then maybe they weren’t healthy to begin with like you said, it might actually make space for friendships that are balanced and genuine.
You know that old saw about good fences making for good neighbors? It ought to be rephrased as “healthy boundaries make for healthy relationships.” Mutual respect and affection, and both parties wanting the best for each other, makes the most reliable foundation for a good relationship. Everyone deserves that! 😁