I’m 32F and recently made the choice to put some space between myself and my parents. It wasn’t sudden or dramatic; it was something I thought about for a long time because our relationship has always felt stressful, confusing, and emotionally draining.
Growing up, I often felt like I had to be extra careful about what I said or how I acted because things could be taken the wrong way. Even small things like trying to start a cheerful conversation sometimes ended with me feeling shut down or invisible. It always felt like I had to adjust myself depending on the mood in the house.
When I tried to express myself, it usually didn’t go well. If something bothered me, it would either turn into an uncomfortable conversation or I was told I was being too sensitive. I rarely felt heard or understood, and that slowly built up over the years.
As an adult, I noticed that every time I interacted with them, I left feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally exhausted. I tried to keep the peace for a long time, but eventually I realized it wasn’t healthy for me. So I decided to quietly step back. I didn’t fight, I didn’t argue, I just created distance for my own well-being.
Since then, things in my life have genuinely felt calmer.
My husband’s family treats me kindly, listens when I talk, and communicates in a respectful way. We talk things out instead of things turning into tension. It’s been a completely different experience.
And my adopted older brother has been such a huge support. He’s shown me consistency, understanding, and kindness, the kind of support I didn’t know I needed.
The problem is some extended family members not my husband’s side have started saying things like I’m “being unfair,” “overreacting,” or that I should “just get over it because they’re my parents.” They’re making me question whether stepping back was the right choice, even though I genuinely feel healthier and more peaceful now.
I’m not trying to punish anyone, and I’m not trying to stir up drama. I just needed space to protect my mental health and live more peacefully.
So AITA for choosing distance and a calmer life, even if some of my family doesn’t agree with my decision?
Distance isn’t punishment. It’s self-preservation. If you feel calmer now, that kinda says everything
NTA: you don’t owe your parents anything. As an adult, they no longer owe you anything. They chose to have you and were obligated to raise you to adulthood (or give you up to someone who would). You don’t owe anyone to the detriment of your peace, unless you have a child to be responsible for. Don’t sacrifice your wellbeing to make anybody else happy.
NTA. You said it they cause stress. You’re happier this way. That’s all that matters.
Immediate NTA just by reading the title, didn’t even need to read the rest but even after reading the rest, NTA. They aren’t entitled to your time or presence just because they’re your parents. If spending time with them leaves you feeling so bad afterwards, then it’s only natural that you would stop spending time with them. You are NEVER doing anything wrong for prioritizing your happiness and mental health. They’re the ones that pushed you away in the first place. If they really valued your presence (or you for that matter), they’d have treated you better before it even got to this point.
NTA
You don’t have to spend time with people who treat you poorly. Period. Full stop.
Have you talked to them about counseling, OP? My guess is they won’t even go. I’d definitely talk to them about how you feel. But idk if they’ll care, having dealt with these kind of people myself.
Your health is #1, OP, and stress is a killer. Be careful.
NTA. People lack the empathy and insight to realize that they are the problem. If you have carefully articulated your feelings and they don’t care then you have to claim agency for your own decisions as you move forward.
It took me 40 years to put distance between myself and my toxic family. Then another ten to go no contact. You are not obligated to have a relationship with toxic people, your first obligation is to your own mental health & well-being.
Your opinion and judgment about the situation are all that matters. What your relatives think is irrelevant. They haven’t had the same lifelong experiences you’ve had with your parents. It’s also none of their business. I wish I had cut ties with my mother when I was your age, but I wasn’t smart enough to recognize the abuse for what it was back then. Trust yourself, and lead a happier life.
NTA no one else experiences your parents in exactly the same way that you do – even if they behave the exact same way towards someone else that person won’t internalize it the same as you because they aren’t that person’s parents. The fact that your older brother, who has the most similar relationship to them as you do, supports you shows that you aren’t being unreasonable. It sounds like it’s your husband’s family who are making you feel bad? They especially don’t know the situation nearly as well as you do and shouldn’t judge.
As for anyone saying you should be closer just because they’re your parents, keep an eye on those people, they’re the ones who will disrespect you, never apologize, trigger your people pleasing, etc. you’re not even no contact with your parents. They’re basically saying you should be sharing more with your parents – those are people who will want access, if not outright control, over others and think they can get away with whatever treatment they want because family.
Op-NTA. You aren’t being cruel, you didn’t start a big drama & then walk away. You simply distanced yourself for now to help yourself heal, calm, & realize you deserve to be heard & not constantly judged. Be at peace, maybe once you are comfortable and confident in that you can contact them again, but until then, enjoy your life & well being.
My friend, if you re-read what you wrote, you’ll find you answered your own question.
That being said NTA, I don’t know who exactly are those relatives but have them warned if they continue to harass you you’ll cut them off too.
One thing I’ve learned since I started therapy is that PEOPLE HATE BOUNDARIES.
Everyone depends on people like you to be quiet and “keep the peace,” no matter the cost to you.
So I am here to say- You deserve *your* definition of peace. You are not being unfair or overreacting. The pressure being placed on you, and the stress it is causing, is actually proof that you made the right choice. Children should not be made to walk on eggshells, feel invisible, or be held responsible for adult’s emotions.
You are doing a great job. YTH- You’re the Hero.
NTA
Who are these people and where are they getting their information? What are you telling them?