30M here, sibling is 25. I will call them B.
We grew up in a third-world country, with occasional electricity and occasional hot/running water. Shit sucks.
I did my IT bachelors in my country with a scholarship, could not land a job for 2 years and worked pro-bono for humanitarian orgs and causes while being supported by our dad (lower-middle class income). Our mom does not work; she is a housewife, per the culture.
During those 2 years I was obsessively applying for scholarships until I got one, moved to EU to do my masters, and have been in the EU the last 5 years. I have a well-paying job, but constantly under the mercy of sponsorships and still 1.5 years away from a permanent residency which would grant stability.
B also did their bachelor in our country and could not get a decent job after graduating. During my 5 years in EU, I managed to recommend B for a remote position at one of the companies I worked for. So B has now had a super good, project-based income for 2-3 years.
I sometimes bring up "serious" topics with B, but they are almost never interested in discussing them with me. For example:
1. Getting our parents health insurance (too expensive for us to pay individually, but "bearable" if we split it). Note: Our dad does not have a decent job anymore, so cannot afford to take care of the family.
2. Pushing B to apply for scholarships to leave our country. They get extremely anxious when I ask about that. They are "comfortable" living with our parents and are very attached to their friends. B is exceptionally smart and capable. I feel like it is a waste…
3. Asking if B would be interested in buying a flat with me for investment, since neither of us can afford one by ourselves, but together we could get something and rent it out.
Today B said "Being five years younger is such a pain sometimes. You didnt have to think about shit like this when you were my age"
I said "I have to think about it because I’m the older sibling and you won’t. It’s not fun for me either. You have to think about parents. I have to think about you + parents. The whole reason I was obsessively trying to "get out" of our country is not just to secure my own future but our family’s".
They then said "Dude you’re a way bigger source of stress than I am".
That last statement hurt.
I concede that I am often impulsive and I can come off a bit aggressive with my approach. But am I being the asshole and do I need to just stop and take a chill pill?
It’s admirable you want to support your family but it sounds like you may be projecting your path onto them.
Mild YTA. Your approach is clearly not working. If your parents are happy for them to continue living there, it’s not really your place to insist on them uprooting their entire life to live somewhere else. Not everybody has the confidence, ability or even desire to do this.
I agree that your sibling needs to start thinking about your parents, but constantly nagging them is going to push them away and have the opposite effect that you’re hoping for. You need to back off.
NAH not everyone wants to escape and you have to come to terms with that.
YTA. Take the chill pill.
The simple fact of the matter is that while looking at these things is something you’re into now, it’s also not something you can force on your sister. They’re right. You are at that place where these things matter. They are not.
They are also not you. Age doesn’t have to be the sole difference here, OP. If B doesn’t want to leave your country, that’s their choice. Pressuring them to do that is out of line, no matter what you think about their prospects.
It’s also hypocritical. Pressuring B to get health insurance for your aging parents but then encouraing them to move away from them makes it look like you think money is the solution to any problems they may face, and not supportive family nearby who can assist them with things. Are you going to take your parents with you to Europe? If you don’t, and they reach a point where insurance can’t or won’t cover what they need, are you going to go back home? Or are you going to expect your sister to do so, for reasons of age, gender, culture, or whatever?
Your ideas and your intentions are very self-derived. Your sister is their own person. You can suggest things to them, for sure, but pressuring gets you to the place where you are: your sister ignores you when you want to talk important things, because you want to talk about what is important TO YOU and not to them.
Discussing purchasing your parents’ health insurance is fair enough, but otherwise, you need to let your sibling make their own choices and not pressure them to take a life path they don’t want. You might see it as a waste, but they like their community and country, and that’s fine. You should start seeing it as a blessing that your parents have a child living with them that can support them as they age- that takes a massive burden from your shoulders.
YTA – I think your point about health insurance for your parents is reasonable but the other two are just you being pushy.
I understand them getting anxious when you’re haranguing them to leave their home, their friends and everything they’ve ever known – getting a scholarship and leaving the country was right for *you* but that doesn’t mean it’s right for B, and it’s a pretty big thing to do.
Likewise with the investment flat *you* want to do that as an investment but that doesn’t mean they have to want the same.
I think you’re doing all this from a good place – but yeah I think you’re being too full on.
YTA it doesn’t sound like B wants to leave his home country or be tied even more deeply to you. Buying real estate with someone is a terrible idea unless they are a spouse.
If your parents get sick, it will be on B to take care of them. He lives there, unless you believe he’s vile and won’t take care of them? If that’s the case, why go into business with him?
YTA. I don’t know why you think you get to boss him around.
She isn’t on board and while your motivation is sound, you are not getting anywhere because you don’t have her buy in.
Do what you can for your parents and work on making yourself stable so you can support them how you would like. Don’t put this on her because she is going to take it as you being intense again. Also I wouldn’t recommend buying a place with her.
YTA. You’re falling into the trap of assuming that everyone should want and do the same things as you do, and that’s just not fair. Every person has different desires, motivations, etc.
Not everyone wants to leave their home country and immigrate to a completely different place; it’s totally fine if B doesn’t want to do that. It’s also fine if B doesn’t want to buy a flat for investment now or in the future. From my western sensibility, I don’t see where you and B are responsible for your parents’ healthcare expenses either. Maybe there’s a cultural expectation that makes this an exception, but it’s generally not right to decide that someone else needs to contribute to a gift, especially not an on-going expense.
B is not you and B isn’t going to do the same things you would do in the same situation. You will be better when you accept that you are different people who will take different paths in life, and that is how it should be.
Yes absolutely the AH. Why are you constantly trying to dictate what your brother does? It really is none of your concern. Why should he pay for health insurance? Why should he move away? And why would he want to be tied to you in a joint ownership scenario. Leave him alone to live his life his way.
YTA “*do I need to just stop and take a chill pill*?” Yes, you do.
What you’ve done is admirable. I’m impressed by your assertiveness and agency in leaving your home country and in pursuing an education and a well-paying job/career. I’m also impressed by your thoughtfulness and kindness in helping B obtain a “*super good, project based income*” by remote-working for a company that you’ve worked for.
Not everyone has your vision and your drive. And that includes your younger sibling. You’ve done everything that you can do for them. Chant “ohm” and let go.
I’d say NAH.
I also say stop taking care of little brother. He just made it extremely clear that he does not appreciate what you do for him. He’s 25. He has a job and a degree. It’s time for him to put on his big boy pants and live his life.
At the same time it’s time for you to live your life. For yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else in your family. Get yourself set up in the country you want to be in. Get yourself financially stable. Then, if and only if you want to, see about helping your parents. But you can’t help until you are fully settled. Also only help your parents. You helped your bother. That’s done. He gets to make his own life.. or ruin his own life. It’s not your job to fix it.
Yeah YTA here. A big part of it is due to not really listening to his concerns. At 5 years younger, the needs your parents have when he is 25 are different than the ones they had when you were 25 and that can be a legitimate stressor as well as impact how he views the priorities in this situation. Your parents are aging and no longer work. The acute stress of their support is greater on him at 25 than it was on you.
He doesn’t want to leave the country and you keep pushing. You see it as a waste but if he wasn’t there how easy would it be to coordinate and manage your parents support and care? You’re also not taking into account personality differences – moving to another country is a stressful and risky endeavor. Not everyone has the same risk and stress tolerance.
Take a step back from pushing him to contribute in the ways that you think are best and start working with him to determine how the two of you can work together to get the best outcome for your parents.