Hi all,
Recently it was my (30f) birthday and my best friend (32f) of 10+ years invited me to have a small celebration for my birthday by going out to lunch. After lunch she sent me a pay request of my share of the bill. I was a bit taken aback, since she invited me and said it was for my birthday. If she had like a gift or a thoughtful card or whatever I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but it left me feeling a little sour.
She makes more money than me and sure you can’t know someone’s financial situation but she went shopping for clothes after (and has done so several more times since then).
I’d like to know if I’m just shallow. Obviously I appreciate the time we spent together, but we do that regularly. She does have to travel half an hour to get to me, which does cost money.
Am I the asshole for considering bringing this up to her?
Edit: I know the shopping comment sounds bad. It’s not how I meant it. I just wanted to emphasize that neither of us are in a bad financial situation.
NAH. Each of you assumed that the other person would pay for your share of the lunch out. This is another example of why/how we should double check our assumptions before incurring any costs.
Maybe you should mail her a check with a note attached: “oops, I thought that you were treating me; my mistake.” And then, drop the subject.
NTA. So weird to try this after the fact.
True. So weird to not think the bday lunch invite would be a treat.
Perhaps best to play dumb and tell her friend “What? Really? My bad. I had presumed inviting me to eat ‘for my bday’ was your treat. How much again?”
And just pay it as a lesson learned.
(Though it would be hilarious to wrap and offer a gift for the friend’s bday … then tell her how much she owed after it was opened)
NAH, but you’re edging into asshole territory with the money commentary.
“Birthday lunch” often implies the inviter treats. Your friend likely meant “celebrate” and split. That’s a expectations mismatch, not malice.
Drop the income and “she bought clothes after” parts. They’re irrelevant and read like you’re trying to shame her into paying.
If you bring it up: “I was surprised by the split request because I thought you were treating since it was my birthday. Can we be explicit next time?”
NTA. In common decency and etiquette, the one inviting the other pays, unless there’s a clear understanding before the fact.
NTA but evaluate how you show up in this friendship and how your friend shows up. For me reciprocity is a must in all my relationships.
NTA. For now, I would pay my half. Next time, I’d ask/agree beforehand if it’s a treat or a splitting the bill type of occasion.
I never understand these interactions. Your friend should have said ‘I’ll put it on my card if you’re happy to send me half later?’
Or you could have said ‘I won’t order too much as it’s a bit tight this month’ which would give her the opportunity to say she was paying.
But when she was paying surely you said ‘thanks so much for treating me’ and then she could have corrected? The whole thing is weird.
NTA. It is customary for friends to treat each other for their birthdays. If she invited you, I can see why you thought she’d be paying. However, I wouldn’t bring this up as it is not mandatory. Going forward, don’t pay for hers either. Maybe you need to assess if this friendship works for you too.
ESH
If you invite someone out for their birthday, its kind of implied that you are being treated.
Don’t expect things from anyone. Don’t expect people to pay just because they make more than you do (they won’t; they also have bigger bills). Learn to use your words for clarification.
“That sounds lovely and super fun. You buying?”
And always ensure you have a bit of reserve money in case you run into these situations, need to bail from a party, or run into an unforseen circumstance.
NTA. This is more on the neutral territory.
I think you should just suck it up. I think making a big deal out of it, aka demanding it would make you the asshole. If beforehand, she asked if y’all could go for a lunch to celebrate your birthday but asking to split the bill, would it make you feel any different?
I guess your question was “Was I led on and valid to feel this way?” It can be answered by thinking of the other times when they also invited you, did you *always* split the bill without saying or does she sometimes offer to pay as well **after** the meal?
NTA, your friend invited you for lunch on your birthday. Social graces and even friendship would mean that you’re being treated as a birthday gift.
If this was some random Saturday/Sunday lunch then yeah you pay your share of the bill.
On another note, reading some of these comments I can tell why people say that they have no friends. In order to have friends you need to be a friend, and it’s clear that Reddit is full of people who have no clue on how to be friends.