I (F22) am part of a close friend group with H (me), ZA (F23), and MM (F23). We’ve all known each other for years and went to an all-girls school together, so our friendship has always been very “girls-only” and pretty tight-knit.
Recently, ZA started dating AP (M21). He seems fine overall, and I don’t have a personal issue with him, but since they started dating, ZA has been trying to include him in *everything* we do. We don’t have a particular problem with it, but we kind of preferred the male-free friendship, since there’s less tension.
Last weekend, MM and I planned a girls’ night at my place. I was quite clear in the group chat that it was just going to be us lot. ZA agreed. However, about an hour before she was supposed to come over, she texted saying AP was “already with her” and asked if he could come too.
I said no. I told her that it wasn’t personal, but we wanted a night for just us girls and that we rarely get that anymore. ZA got upset and said I was being rude for excluding him even though they were in a relationship and that AP felt unwelcome. I told her that not every hangout has to include her boyfriend and that it’s normal to have separate spaces.
ZA ended up not coming at all. Later, she messaged saying I was being unfair, that AP is part of her life now, and that I’m acting like she’s still in high school. MM agrees with me, but ZA is clearly mad and has been distant since.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want time with just my friends, especially given our background and how our friendship has always worked. But now I’m wondering if I was too mean or hurtful.
**AITA?**
NTA. They’re not attached at the hip, she should be able to hang out with friends without bringing him.
NTA, you don’t need to invite people you aren’t comfortable with. Tell ZA that if she organises something you will gladly go and have no issues with him but when it’s your house, you prefer girls only.
No you’re right, ZA trying to incorporate her bf to any & every event is so annoying. Not being able to say things freely as there is a man there lol. Like when it’s a big event with other ppl yes bring AP, but if it’s just the 3 of u AP doesn’t really need to be there tbh
Let me guess. They’ve been dating for 2 months. NTA.
NTA
You may want to spell out what “girls night” means to your friend
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This impulse to include a new romantic partner in everything a very normal pattern for early stages of love, especially when you’re still young – but you have the healthier view of things. That said, while you are right about the girls night, the best thing you can do to maintain the friendship while she’s drowning in new relationship energy is to make sets of plans with clear boundaries – one plan that CAN include partners to balance a couple that excludes them. It will make it clear that you welcome him in her life, but also want to maintain the intimacy and trust you’ve had in your girls-only format.
NTA it’s healthy for couples to do things without each other sometimes, like hang out with their friends who want a girls only night. If she can’t do that, she’s going to end up isolating herself, and then it’s going to be really bad if their relationship doesn’t make it.
Yeah, I’m wondering if he’s insisting on being included as a first step in isolating her from her friends.
Or she’s one of those girls that as soon as she gets into a relationship she’s suddenly joined at the hip with her bf no matter what and even if he’s cool with her going alone she still insists he comes because they’re dating.
It is VERY healthy for a couple to have their own friend spaces. ZA is not being reasonable. PA is not being reasonable, either. Here’s why.
PA should not want to intrude on a girls’ night. He should want ZA to have her own time with her own friends. He should not try to guilt her, acting dejected and sad that he isn’t welcome. That is very manipulative of him.
A boyfriend who needs to be with his girlfriend all the time is clingy and smothering. Sometimes they do it out of deep insecurity. They have nothing else, no other friends of their own, are very lonely, are very needy.
Other times it is more like power and control, to make sure she doesn’t talk about him behind his back. To make sure there is no talk about other guys. To make sure he knows what she is saying, who she is texting, who she is with. Tyrannical males don’t like their girlfriend to maintain the part of her own life and identity that is separate from him because he fears she will leave him.
Either way it is insecurity and not healthy.
ZA is falling for her boyfriend’s pitiful “left out” routine. This gets old quick. It is suffocating. It is draining to be with a possessive and clutching guy, whether his motives are because he is an anxious attachment person or because he is a toxic abusive manipulator bent on dominating her every move.
I would sweetly smile and remind ZA that your friend group has two kinds of meet ups: the kind where it is just girls, like always, and the kind where significant others both male and female are welcome to join in together.
If she opts out of the just girls meet ups, just let her. Tell her you’re sorry she won’t be there, you miss her, etc. Eventually she is going to need or want her friends back, and you can be there for her then.
NTA. The “we’re a package deal” attitude is so annoying. It’s great that they’re so happy together but they’re still individuals who can do things on their own.
NTA. If everyone, or even just someone else was bringing a partner, AP could be expected and invited. I’ll extend that to say that you would keep this rule even if we were talking about a female partner. I’ll give you that the dynamics would be different, but still… it’s absolutely fine to say “this particular hang is for the crew only, no partners”
If ZA can’t take an evening off from her partner for the fun and comfort of her girlfriends, that’s a problem she can’t see yet.
Now, if these girls’ hangouts are the ONLY time you socialize with ZA, you’re moving towards actually excluding her partner as a matter of rule and not just circumstantial, and that’s something that needs to be discussed. Your social life should have events that are just for the squad and others that are open to partners and extended friends and so on.
NTA. ZA needs to grow up and realize her BF is not an extension of herself. Someday she may realize this but until then, she’s made her decision.