On New Year’s Eve, I (57M) and a few of my usual similarly-aged friend group went to the local bar/restaurant that we frequent a lot. We know the manager there, "Frank," well enough but he is not a close friend and we do not go there to see him. We only see him at the bar/restaurant, we don’t have his phone number, we don’t text or email each other, and do not hang out together. Usually he is working (obviously) when he is there but sometimes he comes over to the other side of the bar and has a drink or two before heading home.
On New Year’s Eve Frank drank a little more, and a little quicker, than we have probably seen him do before. Maybe we should have intervened at that point, maybe not, but that is not the AITA part (albeit I am sure there is going to be some of that in the comments – so be it). He left to go home and it was still really early – like 6:00 p.m. No one was out for the night and even the folks I was with, including me, were home by 7:00 p.m.-ish.
The next day, New Year’s Day, we find out that Frank got a DUI after leaving the bar/restaurant. He was arrested and and went to jail. Again, we are not in his friend group. He lives literally 30 miles away (we are in the Houston area so not unusual at all). Frank is also older, probably 60-ish, single, and has talked in passing about doing things with his friends around where he lives. We assumed that he would just reach out those directly in his friend group and they would help and/or arrange to get him out of jail relatively quickly. To our collective surprise, that did not happen.
That resulted in us talking about what we could do. That ultimately resulted in one of us contacting a bail bondsman to see how/if we could bail Frank out. While it was not terribly expensive – his bail and bond were low – the bonding company wanted a complete economic and credit history for whoever officially put up the money. Income, assets, the whole works. That makes sense as that person, whether it was me or one of my friends, would be responsible for the whole thing if Frank skipped out. Collectively and individually, we all agreed that the intense financial scrutiny was not something that we were prepared to do and we really did not like being on the hook if things went sourth. It was just a step too far. If it was just a payment of money, I think we all would have chipped in.
It is now January 6 and, as of this morning, we understand that he is still in jail. That’s the story. AITA (or are we) for not bailing him out?
NTA. Frank is not your friend, he’s an acquaintance. You dont owe everyone in the world your time and money.
NTA
NTA for a couple reasons:
1.) You actually inquired, which is about as much as anybody could hope for. No reasonable person would expect you to sign over such risk for an acquaintance.
2.) If Frank is still in jail almost a week later, then it stands to reason this is not his first offense and you shouldn’t take on the guilt of his previous misdeeds. A first time offender would be out by now on a PR bond.
>If Frank is still in jail almost a week later, then it stands to reason this is not his first offense and you shouldn’t take on the guilt of his previous misdeeds. A first time offender would be out by now on a PR bond.
Was literally coming to comment exactly this.
NTA, Frank isn’t a close friend to OP or his friend group and only knows them from working at the bar they frequent. Don’t feel guilty about not wanting to go through the bail bondsman’s credit check.
Frank did a dumb thing by drinking and driving now he’s experiencing the consequences.
NTA
Honestly, you’ve already gone above and beyond.
Nope
Agree. NTA. No PR bond usually indicates repeat offense
Is the amount something the bar could raise/contribute do? It’s nice that you are concerned for him, but it’s really not your obligation. He can call who he needs to
His choice. His consequence. He made a deliberate decision to drink and drive. I’d let him rot.
I don’t know about Texas, but in NJ where I practice law it is typical for a person charged with a dui to be released without bail unless there was a death, or if this is not the first offense. Alternatively there is a 10 percent option where a defendant pays 10 percent in cash to the court, and the other 90 is waived if he makes all his court appearances
NTA. As a former bartender …. Bartenders KNOW how much alcohol constitutes over the limit to get a DUI! Why are you responsible for a fully functioning adult? Empathy is one thing; going into debt for an acquaintance is another.