I’m dealing with some mixed emotions about a situation and I’m curious how others would see it.
My partner’s best friend has a girlfriend that I see fairly often. On the surface we get along, but there are some dynamics that have made me uncomfortable over time.
Before she got engaged, we had talked before about how excited we both were about the idea of eventually getting engaged and getting married one day. It was something I was really looking forward to as well. She ended up getting engaged before me, which of course is totally fine, but ever since then she pretty much only talks about her wedding. Almost every time we see each other the conversation somehow goes back to it. It sometimes makes me uncomfortable because it can feel a bit like bragging. If I had been the one who got engaged first, I feel like I would have been more careful not to constantly bring it up around someone who was still hoping for that moment.
Another thing that added to the dynamic is that when she found out my partner and I were expecting our first child, they started trying for a baby pretty much right after that.
They tried for about a year and eventually got pregnant, but unfortunately she had a miscarriage. Since then it’s been about 6–7 months and she hasn’t gotten pregnant again.
Recently my partner and I found out we’re expecting our second baby, and we told them today. Her reaction seemed a bit off. Later she went to the bathroom and when she came out I noticed her eyes were red and watery, like she had been crying.
Seeing that made me feel really bad for her, because I can imagine how painful that must be when you’re struggling to conceive.
At the same time, I noticed another feeling in myself that made me feel guilty. Because she often dominates conversations about her life (especially her wedding), a small part of me felt relieved to finally have something big in my life to talk about for once.
Now I feel conflicted. I do feel empathy for what she’s going through, but I also realized that part of me felt a bit of satisfaction at finally not being the one just listening to her talk about herself.
Is it normal to feel both empathy and resentment at the same time in a situation like this?
sounds totally normal to feel mixed emotions in this situation. her non-stop wedding chatter probably turned that empathy into a little bit of guilt for enjoying your spotlight finally. it’s all part of being human, right?
NTA You are allowed to have more than one feeling at a time. It’s perfectly normal. Even positive and negative ones can happen at the same time.
Why don’t you just both talk about this like two grown women who are mature enough to get married and have children rather than playing games?
You were frustrated when all she did was talk about her wedding because you weren’t engaged and you were hoping for that moment. She probably feels frustrated that she’s been trying to get pregnant and you’ve gotten pregnant twice without struggling (my assumption based on your post). So why can’t you two just talk about it and decide on some neutral topics to discuss? Or find something that you both have in common?
ESH just because yall are making life into a silly competition
OP sounds like she doesn’t even like this ‘friend’ it kind of seems like she’s gleeful that she now has something to lord over her like some vengeful ‘you gloated when you were engaged, but look at you now!’ I think OP should admit she doesn’t want to hang out anymore or it will just be petty scorekeeping and ‘milestone’ contests
You’re allowed to celebrate your success too. It might be a touchy subject for her but you’re allowed to be happy for you. Congrats!
Sure but OP is a bit emotionally immature. It’s pretty normal when people are planning a wedding or a first baby for them to be a bit caught up in what is a major milestone in their life and even for everyone around them. Is it annoying? Sure but eho let’s that deeply bother tham? OP resent this woman for talking about her wedding planning and first baby? OP feels relieved to finally have something big?
Life isn’t a competition and OP clearly doesn’t know how to celebrate people.
There is nithing to suggest than other than those 2 major mikestones friend is obnoxious or insensitive. All I see here is OP being the type of human that feels less than if she doesn’t have something big or OP doesn’t know how to deal with normal situations.
Which first time first time bride or Mom isn’t consumed with that experience? Same way OP is consumed with her own pregnancy?
Whilst friend might be annoying, I think OP’s more problematic.
You’re allowed to feel joy at sharing the good news in your life, and you’re allowed to feel guilty that talking about your joy opens up such a sore spot for your friend. If I were you, I would treat her how you wished she had treated you has she noticed how you were feeling while she gushed about her wedding. Be the person you would need in that scenario. 💖
honestly, feeling a bit happy to finally shine a light on your own life is totally human. it’s tough balancing empathy with your own needs when someone’s all about their drama. keep it real.
NAH. Humans are capable of feeling more than one emotion at once. You can feel bad for her miscarriage and fertility struggles while also feeling relieved that the spotlight isn’t always on her wedding anymore.
NTA – although not being engaged when you want is not exactly comparable to going through a miscarriage, which I’m sure you know and that’s why you feel bad. You’re allowed to feel how you want but I also think you should just have a grown-up conversation. Just tell her you feel like she doesn’t have an interest in your life.
Also, if you want to be engaged, why don’t you just propose?
So since you came to this sub for a verdict, YTA. It’s normal to have mixed feelings, but it’s weird that you think she rushed to get pregnant just because you talked about having a baby. She got engaged before you, a baby is a natural progression of marriage. I also think it’s messed up that you feel like you have some kind of upper hand on her now that you’re pregnant and she’s having trouble conceiving. The way you write this comes off like you’re happy to finally have something to brag about but an engagement and a baby are two very different things
Hmmm I am a bit conflicted. I feel like you just didn’t have enough in your life to talk about. My mind automatically wondered why you let her just talk about her life instead of you taking the initiative to talk about yours. You probably just felt like the things going on in your life were insignificant compared to hers. That perspective will cost friendships. It shouldn’t be a competition and you feeling like you can’t talk to her if it doesn’t trump your friend’s life events is completely a you thing. Sorry! But that’s just how I see it. I would feel so pressured if I knew a friend was constantly comparing. It’s time to talk to your friend like a true friend. Let her know how her actions have been making you feel and you should also be honest and let her know it made you jealous. Honesty is the best policy!
ESH. It’s normal to be annoyed by wedding talk when you’re jealous that she’s getting married and you aren’t, but your reaction to her pregnancy loss and being happy to have something she doesn’t is just gross.
You don’t have to be friends with someone just because your spouses are friends, but there really is no reason to act like this. You are not in high school anymore.