Am I the asshole if I don’t go to my grandpa’s funeral? We weren’t close, as I only saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was advised he had been sick (he missed Christmas due to being in the hospital) but there was never clear communication on how bad it was or what was going on as I’m not close to that family at all and even only see my dad a few times a year. I also have terrible anxiety any time I’m with that side of the family, so I feel like going to the funeral would just be a massive trigger for me. I could take my meds but feel like the only reason I would be going is because I would feel judged by them if I didn’t go.
Edited to add a little more info:
I’m not close with my dad (my parents divorced early on because he was abusive mentally and physically to my mom). My grandparents on that side had opportunities to spend time with me, and they chose not to. Although recently my grandma on that side has made more of an effort due to me having a daughter. I’m in my 30s. I always felt ostracized by that side of the family due to the divorce. I hung out with my cousins when I was younger but they always blamed me for things. I was essentially the black sheep of the family.
NTA
I did’t go to mines funeral.
if you can, go.
NTA. It’s your choice to go or not.
One thing you may not have considered is you would also be there not just for you or your grandpa but also to be there for others in the family.
Your future self will be glad you went. Give your future self something to be glad about.
NTA
If you never had a relationship with him no point in going just for other people.
If you ever had any affection for him, you might want to go. You might regret it later if you don’t.
If being there will trigger panic you can skip without shame
the whole family drama around funerals is rough. if you didn’t have a bond, do what’s best for your mental health. life is complicated, so don’t feel bad for protecting yourself.
Nta I didn’t go to my Zaidys funeral it was the healthiest choice for me and to let my mom have space to morn her dad with lots of family issues. Your grandparents are dead funerals are for the living
Funerals aren’t about your feelings, it’s about paying respect to the dead. Attend the day, say your farewells and then if you want to leave after then leave
Funerals are for the living (the ones left behind), not for the dead (they’re gone, nothing more upsets/impresses them). Go if you want to be there for the family who will be there. Otherwise, if just the thought of them gives you hives, think about whether you would care about having them in your life. And choose accordingly.
NTA but stop making excuses. You had months to find out how sick he was and didn’t bother.
NTA – if going will gain you nothing and you’d be doing it purely for performative reasons then you shouldn’t go. Who cares if people you don’t care for who don’t care for you “judge” you. If they have the bandwidth to care about something petty like that then their opinions are garbo anyway.
NTA
Paying your respects is important but your mental health is more important. You can always visit the grave at a later time to pay respects.
NTA-one of the best things I learned as an adult is that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. I used to go to everything I was invited to-showers, weddings, graduation parties, I felt obligated and always worried what people would think of me if I didn’t go. Wasted years people pleasing. I finally had an epiphany-I can just say no. I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, see whoever I want. And vice versa-if I don’t want to go I don’t have to! You don’t want to go? Don’t. You don’t owe anyone explanations or apologies, and if someone suggests you go to “just to keep the peace” I’ll blow a gasket! You don’t have to offer yourself as a sacrifice, you can do whatever the fuck YOU want.