AITA for feeling hurt that my close friend didn’t use me as her realtor and didn’t tell me until after?
My friend (mid-20s F) and I (mid-20s F) have been close for about four years. She’s getting married in six weeks and I’m her MOH. I’ve been very involved (planning her bachelorette, helping with wedding stuff, and really trying to make this a special time for her).
Some context: she’s had a hard time with friendships growing up. we’ve discussed how people didn’t give her patience or space to grow. Because of that, I’ve always tried to be very understanding, even when she sometimes hurts my feelings. My boyfriend and other friends have mentioned they think I excuse too much and its not my job to make her a better person, but I always put myself in someone’s shoes and if that were me, I would want someone to give me the chance.
I have my real estate license. I’m still starting out and it’s currently a side job. For a while, she and her fiancé were casually looking for homes, and we talked about it a lot. She mentioned her family prefers using the seller’s agent (dual agency) because they believe it improves their chances of getting an offer accepted. At the same time, she also said she wanted me to help and wanted to support me while I’m building my career.
Because of that, I spent my own time searching for homes and sending her listings. Eventually, she said they were pausing the search to focus on wedding planning.
Last week, she posted something vague on social media about “great news.” When I asked about it, she told me it was wedding-related. Later, she called me and said the post was actually about buying a house and that they were already under contract using the seller’s broker.
I congratulated her and told her I was happy, which I genuinely am, but I also felt really hurt. Not just because she didn’t use me as her realtor (I understand she has to do what’s best for her), but because she didn’t tell me when she made that decision and wasn’t honest when I asked.
What hurts most is that we talk a lot about valuing friendships where people show up for each other. Over the last six months, I’ve been juggling three jobs, holidays, birthdays, my own relationships, and still going all-out for her wedding and bachelorette. I never expected anything in return, but this made me feel like my feelings weren’t even considered.
With her bachelorette trip a week away, this feels like the worst timing. If she had told me upfront, I still would’ve been disappointed, but I think I could’ve processed it better. Now I’m hurt by both the decision and how it was handled.
I’m supposed to write her a letter and speech soon, and I can’t shake the feeling that this friendship might be more one-sided than I realized.
So… AITA for feeling upset and questioning the friendship, even though she had the right to do what was best for her?
You are not the asshole period. That is super messed up on her part. To lie to you like that isn’t okay. What other things have you excused her of?
I don’t really have advice. Except to say if you candle handle the speech at her wedding, you may want to step down ahead of time as to not make things even more awkward.
This is hard op. And feeling your feelings is not going to make you an asshole. Neither is choosing to step down or not attend any of her stuff. You have to think about what is right for you too.
NAH. It makes perfect sense to feel as you do. But it is also perfectly reasonable for her to use a different realtor (frankly, I think that is best. You shouldn’t mix business and friendships). It is also reasonable for her to not share. She doesn’t owe you an explanation or notice that she is using another realtor.
Yta
Business is not personal. It’s only sensible to not do big business with friends or family because you can’t do anything about it if they screw up.
Also, are you the best Real Estate Agent in your area? Why should your friend not get the best for herself?
Friendship, and the favours back and forth we do for our friends is entirely different to business. Don’t confuse them.
I used a friend as a realtor and it was really awkward when she didn’t do things the way I’d have liked. It’s not a good idea to do business with friends.
Never mix family and business. A good friend is family. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling hurt. It’s more what you do with that hurt. I also don’t think she was wrong to go with someone else whether they tell you or not. NAH.
NTA!
Gentle YTA
She told you her family prefers using the seller’s agent. That was her telling you she didn’t want your services. She’s allowed to want to use the seller’s agent. And it’s a good idea not to mix business with friendship anyways.
It’s nice of you to send her listings, but that isn’t much work really. If you’d been showing her a bunch of houses that would have been a big deal, bust just emailing some listings, without her even asking, doesn’t mean you’re her real estate agent. It kind of sounds like you were trying to work your way into being her real estate agent when she didn’t want you to be.
Yes. Its better not to mix close friends with money issues. She made the right choice.
I don’t mean this to sound rude, but you sound very easily hurt, and I would not want that in a realtor. You’re her MOH, but you’re still questioning the friendship because of this? Not to mention, this is a side job for you — likely she wanted someone dedicated to the job.
YTA
YTA. How bad would both you and her feel if she had to fire you because her house wasn’t selling?
My parents had a similar dilemma with 5 friends all being realtors. In the end they chose someone they weren’t friends with because business is business and it’s best to keep them separate.
NAH.
Mixing business with personal relationships is not a good mix and best to be kept separate.
Buying a house is really important and seeing how you are just starting out and she is probably buying her first house, I think it’s okay for her to use someone that has more experience. Yourself said this is a part-time thing for you maybe she wanted someone who’s completely focused on this. I think it’s reasonable to not mix friendships and money together.
You’re right, this friendship might be one-sided. Or it could be that she didn’t want to risk using someone without experience, even her MOH. Or it might be that she tried to tell you that she was planning to use a seller’s agent and you didn’t want to hear what she was saying.
I think you need to be the bigger person and act with integrity, which means saying something nice and continuing as her MOH.
Maybe someday, when a dear friend becomes a doctor and wants to deliver your baby as her first, or a dear friend has started a side gig making wedding cakes and wants you to be her first paying customer, maybe you’ll have more compassion for your friend.