My fiancé’s family surprised us at Christmas with what they called a “gift”: a week-long houseboat trip scheduled for 8 days after our wedding and they expect us to be there for the entire trip.
Here’s the problem: my fiancé (24M) and I (23F) have been in the process of planning our own post-wedding trip for months. We hadn’t finalized dates or location yet because we were figuring out PTO, but we always, and still, intend to take time for ourselves as newlyweds. This family trip was nowhere on our radar. To make things more complicated, this trip is normally done every five years. The last one was four years ago (summer 2022), so we weren’t expecting another until next year (summer 2027). Turns out my fiancé’s younger sister (20F) begged their grandparents to move it up a year. This wouldn’t bother me so much if not for the history between me and her.
She and I have had ongoing issues: she blames me for things I wasn’t involved in, accuses me of “causing drama” when I ask simple questions, and generally paints me as the villain in most situations regarding any conversation I am a part of with member of their family regarding her or not. Months ago, she instigated a four-hour family meeting about me without me present, I was 20 minutes away spending the evening alone because of that. Over Thanksgiving, when we were driving somewhere, she started a "conversation" in the car which was just her yelling at me and accusing me of saying things and asking questions that I never did. I couldn’t even get one word in and recently when I was trying to smooth things over again, for the sake of my fiance, she accused me of just staying silent in the car and anything that I managed to say was a lie. So when I found out she was the reason the trip was moved up, it felt less like a “gift” and more like another way to control the narrative and put me in a corner.
If we go, we sacrifice our honeymoon and set the precedent that his family dictates our marriage schedule. If we don’t, I risk being painted as selfish or “anti-family.” To me, this isn’t just about a vacation. It’s about boundaries, respect, and whether our marriage starts on our terms or theirs. So, AITA if we say no to the family trip and prioritize our honeymoon instead?
Context for thanksgiving: Up until the Thanksgiving blow up, my fiancé had been mostly playing Switzerland between his family and I. I had conversations with each member of his family soon after their whole family meeting about what was said and had been taking into account some things of what they had said. My fiancé was in the car during the blowup, as well as sister’s boyfriend (25M). Since then, he has been more on my side because he has seen first hand how she treats me.
Fiancé is firmly in the stance that we are making time for us and our trip. However, he still wants us to make an appearance at least so they can’t say that we weren’t there. His family is very much a tit for tat type of family and will hold it against us if we don’t go at all and he is feeling that a lot since telling them about our trip.
His youngest sister has become their families emotional center since her twin sister died in a dirt bike accident last year. They let her get away with pretty much anything in the name of her trauma and grief. I don’t know if I am just the easy target because I’m not directly in the family and I don’t bend for everything for her because I am dealing with my own trauma and grief since losing my dad last year unexpectedly two months before they lost her twin.
INFO: What does your fiancé think about this?
Up until the Thanksgiving blow up, he had been mostly playing Switzerland between his family and I. I had conversations with each member of his family after their whole family meeting about what was said and had been taking into account some of what they had said. My fiancé was in the car during the blowup, as well as sister’s boyfriend. Since then, he has been more on my side because he has seen first hand how she treats me.
NTA Thankyou for this kind offer bit we need to use our PTO for our honeymoon.
NTA! Hopefully, your fiance is in agreement with you about your honeymoon plans, and he has your back in regards to this little trouble maker. Respectfully inform them that you have been planning your own trip, and it just isn’t possible for you to join them. Point out that this family vacation wasn’t supposed to happen until next year, and it’s unfortunate but unavoidable. Stand up for yourself and don’t let her (or anyone else) bully you and/or cause issues in your relationship. If you don’t set and enforce boundaries now, particularly with her, it will just get worse.
Sensible
What is your fiancé doing about it?
Nta
“We won’t be able to make it this year due to our honeymoon and work schedule. Would be happy to do something next year like originally planned!”
I’m sorry but are you sure you want to marry into this? What is your fiance doing to deal with his family? What does “being on your side mean”?
NTA
Why did you marry into that after Thanksgiving?????
Your biggest issue is your fiance, honestly. HE should be putting his family in line and dealing with this. He shouldn’t allow them to treat you like they have been. If my husband allowed his sibling to yell at me we would have serious issues. Trust and believe if he doesn’t put his foot down now, life for you after marriage is going to be rough in regards to your in laws.
NTA. This is not a welcome surprise, it was all planned without your knowledge. Just politely decljne and follow through with your own plans. It’s not your fault if everything was planned and paid for before asking if you were available. Hubby needs to be the one to let them know.
NTA and your fiancé needs to man up and make a very clear statement to his family that this ain’t acceptable and if it continues then you BOTH will go no contact with them
The trip got moved up a year so you cannot go we will be in our honeymoon but the bigger problem here is your partner not supporting you
NTA,
When you get married your family now is your wife/husband + any kids you may or may not have. The rest move to second place.
If your hubby doesn’t tell his little sister to chill, baby, he is enabling her as well. Boundaries should be set ASAP, otherwise expect a lifetime of her playing with you like a cat plays with its prey.