I would love some advice/asshole designation for this situation, because I’m really not sure how to go about it.
Every year my friend group (all mid 20’s) plans a small nature, camping-type trip for about a week in the summer. This’ll be the third year we do it, and I’m debating not giving an invite to one specific friend in particular – Let’s call him Joel.
The first year we did this Joel wasn’t able to make it due to a work conflict, but last year he came along and *yeeeesh*. He didn’t do anything wrong or act up, but he has varying degrees of mental/physical health problems that make it difficult for him to even be present.
For example: dude can NOT sleep unless he has blackout curtains, noise cancelling headphones AND a sleep mask. And that’s in his own bed. On last year’s trip, he slept maybe 8 hours over the course of four days and would have frequent panic attacks in the mornings before the rest of us would wake up.
He’s gluten free, dairy free, dye free and vegetarian, which is generally easy to accommodate but the places we tend to travel to and stay in are podunk towns that don’t even have health food stores.
He has sensory issues regarding temperature and can’t *stand* being too hot. If he leaves the house in the summer (even to go to a friend’s!) he brings multiple ice packs and a cooling blanket that can be refrigerated. Our trips are exclusively for outdoor activities like hiking, swimming and the like.
The thing is, Joel is a really great guy and has never *ever* made his health issues anyone else’s problem. We didn’t find out about the sleep issues and panic attacks until the last day of the trip, because I had gotten up to use the bathroom early in the morning and found him in the middle of it. When we go out to eat and the restaurant doesn’t have gluten free or vegan options, he’ll just skip dinner and happily sit and chat with us while we eat.
Having said all that, I bet you’re asking “The guy seems to handle his issues well, so what’s the problem then?”
It makes me feel AWFUL. When I found him having a panic attack on last year’s trip, I beat myself up about it for days because I felt like such a bad friend for not doing more for him. And having to witness him skipping meals while I dig into my delicious meatloaf or pizza makes me feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Our other friends who went on the trip felt similarly too.
I’d like to add that we all tried really hard to work around his health issues. I made sure he got a bedroom to himself at the AirBnB, we all brought snacks that fit his dietary restrictions, and I planned our hikes to only include loops and routes that are easy to shorten/backtrack, and places that had frequent access to air conditioned stops like welcome centers.
I’m in the beginning stages of planning our trip for this summer and he’s expressed excitement for going again. I’m torn. So, WIBTA if I didn’t invite him this year, but invited all of our other mutual friends?
If the guy doesn’t make his problems your problems & still wants to go, let him go! If you exclude him just to make yourself feel better, YTA
YTA. He doesn’t put any of this burden on any of you guys. That you feel terrible for him is for you to deal with. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong here.
I think you need to calmly sit with him and ask him. Are you really okay being on this trip because I know last year you were having some issues and I don’t want you to be too uncomfortable and holding it back just because you don’t want to worry us. I would love for you to go but I don’t want you to be miserable just to appease us.
Something along those lines.
YTA you know what he wants, to be treated like any other friend. He doesn’t want you to be feel bad or martyr yourself. He’ll bring his food and everything he needs and maybe you do some easier hikes because that’s what friends do. Pop some gluten free frozen pizzas in a cooler. Or if you’re driving hot the closest accommodating store he can find on the way.
Don’t exclude him, that would make you the AH. You can be honest with him that knowing he was struggling on the last trip made you feel awful and ask if there are ways to help.
YWBTA – he sounds like a great guy. Someone who doesn’t make their issues your issues is someone to be cherished. Don’t make your issues his issues by not inviting him.
so this is about you? if he’s truly excited to go and causes no impediment to the course of the trip there’s no reason to exclude him. he seems okay with all that entails for him. you don’t want to invite him because it makes you feel bad that he experiences health issues caused by the trip. when he clearly isn’t bothered by them. is it really that the act of him experiencing said issues and doing his thing to resolve them just ruins the vibe of the trip for you? and maybe others.
YWBTA he is not making it your problem. You say you feel bad when he can’t eat, wouldn’t you feel bad knowing he was sitting at home all alone because you deliberately excluded him? Show some care and compassion, he is meant to be your friend
“Oh no, my friend has health problems that he has solid plans and coping skills to deal with, but it makes ME feel bad. So I’m going to take away his agency, and decide FOR him so I don’t have to feel uncomfortable.”
Make your plans…and then let him decide if he is up for it or not (or better yet, involve him in the planning so he can show you what he actually wants/needs accommodations for…. Make a few reasonable accommodations, because that’s what friends do. But unless he’s sitting there at mealtimes saying “wow is me, if only I could eat here”… don’t worry about it.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, the first part, but also why not just include him in the planning or pick some things that he would like to do too, or pick an Airbnb with ac or pick a restaurant with good options for him, even podunk towns are likely to have a couple options with a menu that he can eat from.
NAH yet, but YWBTA if you just exclude him.
Talk to him. You may have valid concerns. He may have hated last time and might be looking for an out. Or he may have loved it and be willing to suffer a little for a good time. You need to find out where he stands.
If he joins you on the trip then there are a variety of things that he may be able to do to reduce his difficulties. He’ll probably know these best and they’ll take some planning. First of all, you need to talk.
YTA. He knows what he’s signing up for, handles it on his own, and is excited to attend.
And your objection is you can’t eat pizza without feeling guilty? Get over it. I have several dietary restrictions that are a pain in the ass. I would be so hurt if I wasn’t invited to something I was looking forward to just because another person got a sad whenever they ate potato chips in my presence. That’s so selfish.
YWBTA
One of the main things disabled and chronically ill people want is to make their own decisions. He obviously clearly understands what he will be suffering through, and has decided it’s worth it.
I also have a life choice limiting chronic illness. I will carefully consider all trips/parties etc to see if the benefits outweigh the pain. Even camping with my friends, if I have to spend most of the day in the tent, it’s still worth it for the hour or two of fun.
This is his life. He is probably used to discomfort like this, you aren’t used to seeing it as most of us mask a lot in public. It’s a short time for you, it’s every day for him. And HE gets to decide if it’s worth the cost.
YTA.
Punishing someone else for your own self-imposed discomfort due to their health issues is an INCREDIBLY shitty and heartless thing to do. And if you feel awkward, imagine how he feels having to actually live with and handle his health issues. I mean, jesus. How selfish and unempathetic can you be to someone who you supposedly care about? Who needs enemies when friends like you exist? I hope he never figures out you feel this way.
How about asking him how you can support him with his issues so that you can work on your discomfort and, you know, actually help someone. Or is that beneath you?