Throwaway account because family is on Reddit sometimes.
I’m 28F, my brother is 25M. We live in the same city. I work at a bank, have a stable job, and I save responsibly. He does food delivery on his bike but is constantly broke.
It began two years ago with small requests: $20 for gas, $30 for a phone bill, $50 toward rent. I helped every time because he’s my younger brother and family supports each other.
The amounts kept growing and the asks became frequent. Now it’s $200–$500 every month or two. He always promises to repay on his next paycheck, but he rarely does. Sometimes he pays back a little, then asks for more right away. The last time he asked for $400 to fix his bike for work. Later he confessed he spent most of it on other things and the bike is still broken.
Last week he asked for $250 because his landlord was pressuring him. I finally said no. I told him I can’t continue , he’s not repaying, it’s hurting my own savings and bills, and he needs to handle it himself or ask someone else.He got angry, called me selfish, said I make more money so I should help, and that real family doesn’t abandon each other. He told our mom, who called me upset, saying he’s struggling, I have a good job, and why am I being so hard on him.
Some cousins agree I’ve done more than enough. Others say family should always help no matter what and I’m being cold.
I feel a bit guilty because I don’t want him in real trouble, but I’m exhausted. My savings are half what they were, and I get anxious every time he messages me.
AITA?
NTA. You’ve done lots. If family helps then why isn’t he asking the rest of the family for help too?
I’m his most closest sibbling. I told him i have other responsibilities too
NTA. If he really needs it, he should be asking your parents, not you. Why is your mom calling you upset saying he’s struggling? She should help him out then if she feels that way
I’m his most favourite sibbling. I think he feels it’s his right
The moment he took $400 for a ‘bike repair’ and spent it on ‘other things,’ he committed fraud. That isn’t a loan; that is theft by deception. You don’t lend money to people who lie about where it is going. He proved that his word is worthless. Using the ‘family’ card to cover up financial irresponsibility is a manipulation tactic as old as time. He wants the perks of being an adult (freedom) with the budget of a child (allowance). You are doing him a favor by cutting him off. Hunger is a great motivator for job hunting.
NTA. Funny how your family members are so concerned about him but where are they when he needs a handout? They also don’t seem to care that it is hurting you to keep giving him money under the circumstances (rarely repaying and wanting more). They are enablers and you are a victim of that. Tell them to take up the slack of his inability to live within his means and see how they like it when their money starts to dwindle and they can’t pay a bill because of it. They are only encouraging him to not take responsibility for his own life and expenses.
Okay thank you
I had a relative like this and I finally got to the point where I was just done. I gave them the last $200 ‘loan’ they asked for and said I was done loaning money, period. I told them to not repay me, they could consider it a gift, but to never ask me again. It’s been about 10 years and it worked.
NTA You are not helping him. Obviously he just keeps getting worse even with your “help”. Time for him to grow up and take care of himself.
That’s just it
Sounds like he needs to move back in with mom…
Is he on drugs? In any event, as long as you give, he will ask for ever more. You’ve seen how this escalates. You’re going to have to say no at some point, might as well be before you bankrupt yourself. The family who say “family should help family” are more than welcome to help him. NTA, and don’t give him a penny more.
NTA. Tell him no and stick to your convictions. I find that moving farther away can help a lot too.
nta. have the family members giving you shit starting paying for the grown ass man