My partner was feeling sick earlier. I said I’d pick up lemons and ginger for ginger lemon tea. They said they’d also like berries. I said I’d stop at the grocery store on the way back home from exercise class. The only berries were a few overpriced Driscoll’s raspberry and blackberry packs that didn’t seem that fresh. I got some dried mango. This grocer doesnt have the best produce (CTown).
Later in the day, I mentioned the mangoes. "Hey, by the way I got these mangoes because the store didn’t have good berries."
My partner seemed annoyed. "You mean they didn’t have organic berries?" I said that was true, even though it wasn’t the entire reason I didn’t get berries. They sighed a few times. I said "You’re welcome for the mango" which, yes, was totally passive aggressive. They said something like "Why would I thank you for not getting what I wanted?" I said something like "I think most people would say something like ‘Thanks for the mango, but next time I’d prefer the bad berries." And they said "Most people would go somewhere else for berries. This is you not showing up for me like usual."
And then I said "Want me to put this on AITA?" And they said yes.
So…
UPDATE
I appreciate all the comments and talked to my partner. I apologized. Part of my mistake was me misunderstanding that the berries mattered. Part of it was broader relationship comtext and that we both feel a lack of reciprocity in the relationship and it’s hard to break that cycle. Part of it was my casual thoughtlessness in not texting or calling them and quickly assuming "get some fruit for vitamins." We had a good chat. Thank you!
YTA. Dried mango isn’t very fresh either. You should have just gotten the berries. Or if you didn’t think they were good, not gotten them and said you didn’t think they were good
YTA. 1000% They’re sick. They asked for berries. You didn’t bring berries. Then you were passive aggressive and wanted to be thanked when you DIDNT DO THE THING YOU WERE ASKED. You didn’t show up for them. You didn’t listen. You let your own snobbishness about the berries impact your caring for your sick partner. Do you even want to be in a relationship with this person?
YTA. They asked for one thing.
YTA. You passive aggressively asked to be thanked for not doing the thing that they asked you to do. Why didn’t you just get them the ‘bad’ berries?
Very much YTA. They asked for literally one item.
Mango is very different from berries, not buying the bad looking berries is fair, but expecting them to be happy about the mango’s is another. Yta
YTA
They’re sick. They wanted berries. When your partner is sick and asks you for a particular thing to eat or drink, you know what you get? That. Not some abomination of that which sounds better to you, but that.
But you have a bigger problem than berries. Your partner feels it’s “usual” for you to “not show up” for them. Maybe spend a little less time and energy needing to be right and a little more time and energy on your relationship with your partner.
YTA – don’t pretend you’ve done someone a favour when you just decided not to get the what they asked for.
YTA, they are sick, when someone is sick you go to a different store to get them what they want. When they’re not sick, you call them and say “hey they don’t have the organic berries. Would you want the bad ones or do you want something else?”. I would apologize to them and go get the organic berries from a different store if there’s a store close enough from where you guys are.
Later on, when they are feeling better, I would also have a conversation about their “ like usual” comment. Because if they’re saying that then this isn’t the first time that you haven’t met their needs. And having a conversation about that and how they feel about that could help your relationship. Just remember to have an open mind if you do have a conversation with them.
YTA just get the damn berries. But it sounds like she’s used to this.
YTA. They had raspberries that were, according to you, fine but expensive. Is your partner not worth the extra couple of dollars to get them something that would make them happy when they’re sick?
YTA, and self centred to a fault.
Info: if you knew your partner wanted berries, why did you go to a store with shitty produce? And why didn’t you consider frozen berries because in what world is dried mango at all similar?
YTA. Next time, call or text your partner and see if mangos will suffice. Don’t just make substitutions on the fly unless you know 200% it’ll work.
>This is you not showing up for me like usual
Oh, so this is an identified pattern and you’re still doing stuff like this. Yikes on bikes, dude. You’ve gotta step up your game if you want to keep this relationship.