I(29F) and my fiancee(25M) have been together since 2020. For some background on us- I am from the US; he is from Mexico. We met because we were both mod+ on a big Discord D&D server (Dungeon’s and Dragons). We’re both nerdy, into video games, and obviously into D&D. I semi-moved to Mexico 1.5 yrs ago to spend more time with & live with him, and we’re very happy. The wedding will be in Mexico because it’s the only way his family can attend & mine able travel.
Now to my uncle. My uncle(57M) is the oldest child of his siblings. He is also a high-functioning, autistic (diagnosed) person. So, he’s very smart with facts, he’s more physically strong/fit than most people, and he is usually very oblivious to social cues. My family has tales of him shoving my 2yr old mother up the chimney, him breaking windows in the middle of the night as a kid because he liked the sound, him digging pitfalls in the yard, & him flipping a kid + desk over his head in school because they were bullying him. It’s cool to listen to him talk about science or related, but the moment human dynamics, countries, politics, etc come up, he’s insufferable & won’t listen to anything that misaligns with his views/"facts".
For family dinners (they moved around the same time I did, but we had dinner at my grandmother’s every Sunday priorly & he’s the only guy other than my teenage brother), the tone of the dinner is based on him. He’s in a good mood? We can joke around, tell stories, etc. He’s in one of those moods where he wants to shred everything apart? Half of those end up with my grandmother in tears as he just berates her and her late husband for half of dinner while she just silently takes it. If my relationship comes up, he just immediately starts saying racist comments, saying Mexico is all dirt roads and trash, and how I’m ridiculous because "there’s so many men in the US, why did I have to go and find someone outside of it?" (in less nice terms & rambling, but not cursing).
There’s a lot more he says, and he’s never been the nicest person, but my family always goes "That’s just \[uncle\]" or "that’s just how he is", acting like he can say whatever he wants just because he’s autistic and there’s nothing that can be done. Of note, we ask him to stop A LOT or try to change the subject plenty when he starts a tirade. His wife will even start quietly nudging and giving him looks to stop it. I usually just quietly leave the table and go to the bathroom to cry a little or distract myself for a few minutes until the conversation ends.
Because he’s close family, I had to send him an invitation. But, I’m hoping beyond hope that he doesn’t come. I have no idea how he’ll act \*being\* in Mexico and meeting my fiancee’s family \*from\* Mexico. The venue does have a security guard, and I’ve told my mother I \*will\* have him removed if he starts something. She laughs it off, but I’m serious.
AITA for hoping that he won’t come & having a backup plan for if he does & causes a scene?
NTA autism doesn’t cause racism. Your family sucks for enabling his disrespectful behavior. It doesn’t even sound like he’s having “meltdowns” half the time, he just sounds like he’s learned he can be an AH and get away with it. You have every right to not want him there. Personally I wouldn’t have even invited him and if anyone ask why just cite his racist remarks about your partner and the fact he’s made it abundantly clear he has no interest in going to Mexico.
NTA. Family or not, autistic or not, aware of social cues or not… there’s no excuse to be as awful and racist as he sounds. It’s YOUR wedding. You get to decide what’s best for you and your partner. You shouldn’t even have invited him if you felt this uncomfortable, but I understand family pressure.
You would also be potentially exposing your partner and their family to his racism and aggression. It just sounds like a disaster.
I would uninvite him. He sounds abusive, and blaming it on his lack of social cues just enables him
NTA. If he does come you have already set up the best plan to have him removed. But I don’t think he will be at the wedding long before he starts his racist comments. And I’m sorry if his family has to be treated that way even for a min or two. Stay strong and don’t back down. You are doing everything right. Best of luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
NTA. I would uninvite him. You cannot be sure that he will not be in a bad mood when you are trying to celebrate. If he is so highly intelligent, he should be able to understand. If he doesn’t, explain it to his wife. You don’t have to be mean, just be honest.
It sounds as if your entire family has allowed him to be the one to set the tone and he takes advantage of that. You have every right to only have people around you that make you comfortable.
I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
Rescind his invitation. You don’t *have* to invite anyone, family or not.
*Uncle, my fiance is Mexican and we’re getting married in Mexico. You have made racist comments about Mexico and Mexicans. That is unacceptable, and it would be inappropriate for you to be at my wedding.*
Walk away, no debate necessary.
Are you worried about hurting his feelings or upsetting your family? Well, you should be *more* worried about hurting or upsetting your fiance and his family by allowing – *inviting* – a belligerent, insufferable racist to their home and wedding of their son – the man you love, right?
YTA if you don’t rescind racist uncle’s invitation.
It always baffles me when neurotypical family/friends react to inappropriate behavior from someone on the spectrum by trying to give them *social cues*… literally, that’s the thing they are struggling with! The kindest thing you can do is to be extremely direct so they have the opportunity to understand how their behavior is impacting others, instead of making them guess or get blindsided when someone finally has had enough of putting up with them.
Your example of what OP should say is great because it is explicit in telling her uncle exactly what the problem is and direct about what the consequence is. I have a feeling that if his family had done more of that for him over the years, he wouldn’t need to be disinvited now…
NTA. You actually cannot invite him. He’s racist and your fiancé is Mexican? Hell no. You can’t play that game anymore. Are you going to choose your uncle over your husband? Are you going to choose the people who support your uncle while he disparages your husband? That ship has to sail or you aren’t supporting your partner.
NTA, I wouldn’t invite him if he were my uncle, also if he truly believes his statements about Mexico he’s clearly not that intelligent (although living there I’m sure you already know that).
So to start, NTA. Look up the “Missing Stair” theory. That said, stop letting family bully you. Call it out, leave, set the boundary that if uncle is somewhere, you won’t be there. “Family” is not an excuse or reason to take abuse. You’re an adult who’s getting married, act like it, it’s entirely up to you who’s at your wedding.
I messed up and let family convince me to invite my older brother who I hate to my wedding… guess who made us start 30 minutes late? Don’t be me, uninvite your uncle.
You actually didn’t “have to” invite him. Just because the rest of your family tolerates him doesn’t mean you have to. ESH. Learn to stand up for yourself and tell people that your decisions aren’t up for discussion. I’m sure your fiancé and their family are so excited to have to tolerate a racist because you couldn’t say no
Yta for sending an invitation. You don’t want him there. Don’t invite him. The end
Does your uncle have enough intelligence to decide that he doesn’t want to go to the wedding in Mexico since he is so bigoted and racist? That would be your answer, if he decided not to come.
NTA Please be honest, I don’t want you there because you hate Mexicans, then hang up. You don’t want to ruin that one day, If no one will help just make the call.