I married into a family that has a secret pasta and red sauce recipe. When I got married the recipe was one of the gifts. Whenever there are family functions we switch up who makes the recipe, each of us putting our own twist on it.
Since getting married, I have gotten close to my spouse’s cousin. We hang out often, she’s a bit of a mentor to me. I asked when it would be her turn to make the recipe because she’s a great cook and I want to try her twist on it.
She never got the secret recipe. It’s only passed down to *married* members of the family (I learned my spouse didn’t get a copy until marriage). She has asked for the recipe but keeps getting told “when you get married” She’s in her early 50’s and has repeatedly expressed no interest in marriage (I think she’s aromantic/asexual).
She was asking if I planned to make a big batch in December (I always do) and asked if she could trade portions for something special she makes. I agreed but then thought to ask if she just wanted the recipe instead. She was born into the family. I don’t think there should be a restriction on a family recipe that requires you to get married. So I gave it to her.
Family found out when she made it (almost immediately, she was so happy), and someone found leftovers in her fridge. Mother-in-law and aunts-in-law are angry with me since the cousin didn’t “earn” it. One of the cousin’s married sisters blew up at me over text. Father-in-law gets where I was coming from but said it wasn’t my place. My spouse doesn’t care either way. But I earned myself the cold shoulder at Thanksgiving over this. AITA?
lol NTA, that is a mean tradition.
I’m stunned that one needs to marry to unlock secret family recipe.
It’s a power and control thing. You have to marry to join the clique. It’s just sad and mean-spirited.
NTA sometimes dumb rules should be broken.
NTA! What a strange fake rule to have! You said she’s in her early 50’s and has expressed zero interest in marriage, and good for her! I’m glad you cut her a break.
Listen, if the family is going to blow up Thankstaking over a mean girl “tradition”, so be it. I would probably get together with Unmarried Cousin and have a good time with good food. Damn, that family is full of haters.
NTA
NTA. That’s a ridiculous, discriminatory tradition that punishes someone for not adhering to the “norm” in the family. Glad you did it.
Oooof, when I read the title, I was prepared to say you were the AH. But damn, that family is cruel. What an antiquated way of viewing the world. And I get it, it was a tradition that originally was probably very meaningful. But now, in this time, it feels pretty cruel.
What they should have done it gifted it to cousin when she had a special moment if they really wanted to make it something special. Graduation, job promotion, becoming a dog mom. Who cares, she deserves it just as much as any member of the family.
NTA
Especially when it is clear this person most likely won’t get married. If that is the rule, there should be an age limit. Until you’re married or 35. It makes you feel like you aren’t ever really an ‘adult’ to your family when they have this sort of attitude. (coming from an older unmarried person in this kind of family. \*eyeroll/still at the kids table at 47)
NTA
That’s such a mean rule. And it feels very very pointed towards her. I think a family recipe should be shared within the family, irrespective of marriage status.
In reality, you’re NTA. In the weird world of this family, you are totally TA. But personally I think you need to take this one step further and ensure that the recipe is part of the epitaph on your tombstone.
gatekeeping recipes is rude
So….since you already receive the cold shoulder…..would it hurt to just post the recipe here? I mean, they can’t not talk to you “harder”.
PS – NTA. This tradition is absurd. They are punishing someone because they aren’t married. Do they take the recipe back if you got a divorce? became a widow?
NTA
She is part of their family; she should have had it from the moment she started bringing dishes to family gatherings.
Refusing to give a family recipe to someone in the family on the grounds that she is not married is certainly a way for them to feel superior.