Throwaway account for privacy. But to give some context, I moved away from my partner due to just needing space for a fight we had that got very serious. Needed time away to heal and process, they agreed we went back to rebuilding ourselves. We’ve been together for 7 years.
So I live with 3 other people, we are all in our 20s. I met one of them through work and they needed a 4th person for rent and stuff and at the time I needed space from the situation I was in, But I said no cause I’m just not a social person and I don’t know their friend group. My plan was to go live alone but that’s not affordable in the slightest. My best friend hit it off with one of their friends and they were gonna be their 4th member. I told them if they need another (because my best friend was now in that group I felt more comfortable) I’m down. Things happened. My best friend moved to a different state but I stayed to move in with that friend group(hesitantly, but still stayed).I told them from the start, this might be temporary for me to move in because my goal was to rebuild with my partner.
Fast forward nearly a year and it’s been very annoying. They leave food out or in containers so long it’s grown mold. The communal spaces I asked to keep clean are always dirty in some sort of way. I have OCD and I told them just rinse the dishes and scrub the counters down a bit, I can do the rest. Just keep the communal spaces clean.
If my partner comes over (they live with their parents because their parents are kinda elderly) my roommates would need to know when, what time and how long they were staying and when they were leaving, even though we stay mainly in my bedroom because they don’t feel fully welcomed. If they surprise me, they get all frustrated and pissed because "they just want to know how long they’ll be around for?" And "they just don’t like surprise visitors" I ask them if they have any problems specifically with my partner and one said "well they don’t talk to me or anything and it makes me upset so I gave up." Another said "I just have a problem with not knowing who’s in my house" which that second one is fair but I ONLY bring my partner to the house. I’m antisocial as all hell and they KNOW this so I called it unfair. I’ve known this friend group for a little over a year so it all led me to wanting to just move out.
So I made them an ultimatum. KEEP THE COMMUNAL SPACE CLEAN! And my partner gets a key to the house. They should be welcomed into a home I pay rent for. I’ll text the group chat, "They are in the house" but they should be allowed to stay and be there as long as they want and have surprise visits. Or I move out. Stay friends but just not roommates.
They called the key part unfair because they don’t ask much but I feel there is blatant disrespect for my partner. So am I the asshole in this situation?
Edit: I can see how I was totally in the wrong and I’ve talked it out with my roommates. Told them about the comments, We shared a laugh and I see how I was blindsided. Thank you for giving me your honest opinions! I fucked up and apologized to them.
If your partner is not paying rent then a key is not reasonable. Cleanliness is a must though.
I have a key to their place and I want them to have a key to mine. It’s a way of saying “You’re welcome here anytime even if I’m asleep” but I get that
That’s disrespectful to your roommates. It’s their place too, and only people paying to live there— whom everyone has agreed to live there— have the right to a key. You should only give your partner a key after getting permission from your roommates, because they shouldn’t have to ever be surprised by someone who doesn’t live there just coming on in on their own. They would actually be within their rights to complain to the landlord if you’re giving out a key to someone who doesn’t live there. Yes, they should keep common areas clean, but you need to be a good roommate too.
>”You’re welcome here anytime even if I’m asleep”
But here’s the thing. *They’re not.* You might want them to have unfettered access to your apartment, but your roommates don’t.
YTA
Why would your partner get a key? They don’t live there, they don’t pay rent.
” but they should be allowed to stay and be there as long as they want and have surprise visits. Or I move out.” .. this is ridiculous.
Move out.
What the hell is wrong with you? Is this narcissistic level of entitlement what caused the rift between you and your partner by chance? Holy shit.
Unless you’re renting on your own, nobody that isn’t paying rent gets a key OR can come over unannounced. You have other flatmates that are entitled to a certain level of peace and privacy too. I get the feeling you’d lose your shit over one of them trying the same nonsense.
Yes, communal spaces should be clean, but unless it’s suddenly gone downhill from before you moved in, you must’ve had a rough idea of what to expect.
Sorry, but a solid YTA here.
Nah, totally different incident caused us to have a rift but I’m not spilling our personal stuff here. They have people come unannounced and I just chill in my room but we talked about it tonight again and we were joking about giving all our friends keys XD I can see the narcissism coming out tho for sure
Honestly, I’m pleased to see how well you’re taking the criticism.
Sorry for being too harsh. You actually seem rather reasonable 😅
Sometimes I tweak out and I need to be called out for it. It gave me clarity on how fucked my thought process was. I even told my roommates about all these comments and now we are having a laugh about it.
I appreciate the harshness cause I definitely needed it. 😂
The cleaning thing is one thing depending on what your definition of “clean” is and how messy they are. Example, wanting people to clean and load their own dishes may be acceptable, given that you all share a space together and one person shouldn’t be held accountable to clean everyone’s dishes, etc. however the key part is kind of whack ngl because it’s not “your” key, it’s by default your roommates key as well so to speak. How would you feel if one of your roommates gave a key to somebody you don’t know well? I’m not sure you’d like that, it’s rude and extremely inconsiderate to your roommates personal space and privacy, it’s also probably against the lease agreement as well. Most lease agreements have a clause where you need to notify the leasing office before unexpected move ins, etc. they don’t want random people they don’t know living in there apartments either. YTA
Yeah I would probably just be a little iffy. I guess I was so blindsided by the “you should know them, they are they only person I talk to” mentality I never really realized that they truly just don’t know this person. I was looking for disrespect when they were just giving cautiousness and that’s fully on me.
Atleast your seeing it from there perspective now and that’s a good sign of character and respectable. I would probably apologize to them and ditch the key thing entirely, instead maybe trying to renegotiate a compromise on cleaning. Perhaps maybe negotiate a basic cleanliness standard that everyone can agree on and is fair. That way everyone would be on the same page for what’s expected and you may have an easier time enforcing that if everyone is on board with it or has agreed to it. As far as the partner visiting goes, I believe you can have people over but maybe try to be more considerate with your mates when having your partner over, maybe having a talk with them of rules for guests that everyone can come to terms with, like times of day, how long, where, etc and certain rules for guests. This may open them up to having your partner over more often and make there space feel more safe for them, ensuring there concerns and questions are being met and awnsred may make them more lenient to future visits or potential changes in agreements in the future.
I definitely apologized to them after the third YTA comment I got. I want to say I am usually level headed but I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts I fail to see another person’s perspective sometimes and all this gave me that clarity. They’re nice people and I didn’t realize I treated them wrong, there’s no excuse for my behavior. I’m gonna bring some of these ideas up at our next little meeting so everyone feels safe instead of just worrying about myself. Honestly, thank you for the suggestions.
YTA your partner in no way is entitled to a key to their house!