I (22F) just started working in Singapore, i landed this job in December. I’m currently on probation and earning 2.5k a month. Most of my expenses are pretty fixed like rent, food, and transport, etc. My job requires me to take public transport a lot, so my transport alone is like 200$ last month , which I can’t really cut. On top of that, I still have about 20k in study loans, paying back around 300$ per month plus like 70–80 interest. I also borrowed around 1k from a relative for my flat deposit, which I’m trying to pay back too. My main goal right now is just to clear these debts as fast as I can so they don’t cling on me forever.
Just yesterday my parents called and asked why I didn’t send any of my salary back to my home to pay homage to elders and keep up with the respect-paying tradition in my country. I lowkey get the social Qs and the tradition, but it feels q unfair for my first salary to basically vanish, especially since this is literally my first month of working. They say it’s about respect and not losing face with relatives, but I’m scared that if I give what I have now, I won’t have any money left for emergencies. I even thought of giving a small thoughtful gift instead, but it got mocked as “too small,” which lowkey made me tear up.
Also, my younger sibling left for another country to study, and my mom wants me to help partially too, which I get, but honestly that’s not the main thing making me sad since I can manage to pay after a few months of working. It’s the "must give back first salary pressure".
I’m super frugal with myself too. Like in 4 years in Singapore I’ve bought maybe 3-4 outfits max. I don’t even buy stuff I like/need most of the time. Even my manager who i got close at work asked why I haven’t bought/changed to new shoes since I got my first salary and year end sales are on going. I just said I’m saving to fix my teeth (which is true, I received a dental procedure last week and no I don’t have medical benefits from my company yet since it’s probation period)
I’m lowkey stuck between wanting to be a good child and keeping up with social expectations and needing to protect my own survival and financial stability at the very start of my career. AITA for feeling stressed about being expected to give my first salary when I got almost no flexibility in my finances?
edit: Yes, I have left home 3-4 years ago (from Myanmar) to here to study and work here as there’s a military coup ongoing there sadly.
Don’t send any money. NTA
NTA, just say no, and why.
That tradition likely came from when the child was living at home when their first paycheck came. If that was the case they really had no expenses.
You are not living at home or even in the same country.
And help your sister!!??
No disrespect to other cultures, but some of these old customs need to go. They are no longer viable.
Exactly I get where and how the elder generation people are coming from, but what I feel is that they are insisting js bc they want to show that they raised me well, it’s like they don’t want our relatives to think that I’m cutting them off as soon as I got my job typeshit.
I’m alrdy stressing about performing well during my probation period, and now with the news that my sibling might need my help too, it just feels like everything is piling on at once. I’m really exhausted mentally.
If Momma wants homage she can clear your student loans. If they didnt get you where you are then you dont have to pay.
I’d just tell them your landlord already claimed your first salary.
You are under no obligation to persist with this outdated tradition. That doesn’t mean your family are going to like it if you don’t uphold their unreasonable request. This is an important life lesson OP – sometimes, making decisions that are about your own comfort and priorities is going to make other people uncomfortable or upset – do it anyway. Its hard to choose your comfort over someone else’s, but you must.
> I’m scared that if I give what I have now, I won’t have any money left for emergencies
Will your parents/family provide any support to you in an emergency?
I don’t know your specific culture or traditions but I’d expect something like this to be mutual and reciprocal: you give back because you have received, and you can expect to be supported just as you have given support. If in fact you have this job and salary in part because of the support your family provided in getting you through your education and training and flying the nest, it would be something of a jerk move to break that social contract halfway through. If your family expects you to sacrifice for them now but will hang you out to dry if you encounter difficulties, then it’s prudent to prioritise your own security over their social image.
Aw sweetie.
You are NTA.
Keep your hard earned money. Tell your parents you will treat them to a dinner soon but that “tradition” ends with you.
And your sibling that is studying elsewhere? It’s up to their parents to help pay. Not you. Your sibling made a choice and that doesn’t mean you have to pay for it.
Grow that shiny spine girl!
And next paycheck, buy yourself a little treat to commemorate your hard work
NTA. Tell them you don’t have it. Ask them if they can send you some money to help with current expenses. That’ll make them stop real quick. You are an individual, not an investment vehicle.
Lying is what shy or reserve people do when they dont want to cause a confrontation.
Lie OP. You have a cavity and its going to be expensive. If you wait. It will cost more.
NTA.
My FIL did the same thing when my immigrant husband got his first paycheck. We had a child and were barely getting by on money. I flipped out on my husband for not putting him in his place. I was looking forward to his first paycheck because it would mean thay he could finally help me pay some bills and that we could actually buy some things that we needed for apartment. Not send half of it overseas.
Coming from a culture that also partakes in this shit, I put a stop to it. When I left for college and got my first “big girl” job, my mother wanted me to give “an allowance” to my little brother who was still in high school. I immediately said no. The family dynamics changed and things became awkward for a bit, but then she got over it and my brother grew up. I help her and my family when I can, but I absolutely do not send money back home on a regular basis. Also borrowing money from someone to send to your family is, respectfully, stupid. You’re gonna be in the same shitty situation because you’re gonna have to pay it back regardless.
NTA for hesitating.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this, but wanted to give my perspective as someone from an Asian family.
I think it’s easy for people outside the culture to say you don’t owe your parents anything and to not give anything back. However, filial piety is a huge deal in our(?) culture.
First salary tradition is mostly about showing respect and helping parents save face with relatives/friends. It’s also a token of gratitude for everything they’ve done for you until now.
Does the tradition seem outdated? Perhaps, but is going against it worth the backlash? That’s up to you. Unfortunately, aunties DO talk and (in my opinion) it’s not worth the aggro.
However, it’s not meant to cause you financial stress, especially in your first month, when you have loans and other obligations and haven’t had a chance to save up. Wanting to keep some money for stability doesn’t make you unfilial; you’re being responsible and your parents should appreciate that.
Maybe calculate how much you have left after paying bills, etc and then give a percentage back? It doesn’t have to be the whole amount. My dad always mentioned 10% when I was younger, so that’s what I gave my parents and took them out for a meal.
>*”Also, my younger sibling left for another country to study, and my mom wants me to help partially too, “*
This is unnecessary. You shouldn’t be expected to do this, especially in your first month.
>I even thought of giving a small thoughtful gift instead, but it got mocked as “too small,” which lowkey made me tear up.
I wanted to say maybe you could have an open conversation (easier said than done!) and explain how tight your finances are, but somehow they don’t seem too reasonable. I’m sorry they made you feel that way.
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling torn. This is unfortunately the reality many of us face growing up between traditiion and modern financial pressure..