For context, im 20, im just starting iut my life essentially and getting ready to look for apartments, and my mom is really pushing g the idea I should room with my brother for cost reasons. I do not think I am wrong for not wanting to live with my special needs brother. This is not because I do not care about him or think his needs are unimportant. It is because I know what kind of environment I need in order to function and stay mentally healthy. Cleanliness and routine matter a lot to me and I struggle in spaces that feel chaotic or unhygienic. Living together would mean changing my daily habits and lifestyle in ways that would make it harder for me to focus on school work, sleep properly, and feel comfortable in my own home.
I also think it is important to be realistic about what I am capable of handling at this stage in my life. Taking care of someone with special needs is a serious responsibility that affects every part of your routine. I am still figuring out my own life and I do not have the skills or emotional energy to be a full time support system without burning out or becoming resentful. I believe it is better to be honest about that now instead of forcing a situation that would be unhealthy for both of us. Setting this boundary does not mean I am abandoning him, it just means I am choosing a living situation that fits my lifestyle and abilities.
For some context, forgot to add it. Im 20, he’s 18,and shes wanting me to take him with me when I move out, so shes asking me to fond a place big enough for that.
wait, let me see if I get it before saying anything: she wants you to take your brother with you when moving out?
NTA – It sounds like your mum is hoping to get a break from it herself. It is perfectly reasonable for you to set this boundary and to prioritise your own needs and care. Don’t be guilt tripped into this. You articulated your reasons in a very mature way, just repeat that to your mum, do not be drawn into an argument about it, just keep repeating your reasons. The phrase “As a young adult finding my own way in the world, I am allowed to prioritise my own needs and wants” is all the reply you need to any pressure.
People who try to pressure you into doing what they want, rely on breaking you down with guilt or accusations (You are selfish etc), don’t fall for it.
NTA. You’re moving out to start your own life and I wouldn’t want to live with someone else straight away, even without the added complication of his needs.
It’s your choice, and if you want to do it solo you’re perfectly entitled to do that.
NTA
Your brother is your parents’ responsibility not yours. Go live your life guilt-free.
NTA
Time for clear words.
“Mum, I thought about your suggestion, but I want to live on my own, not with family. I want to be an Independent and self-sufficient adult.
Moving in with a Brother defeats the purpose of not living with family.
On top of that, Brother and I living together is disaster waiting to happen. We have very different ideas of living everyday life and I don’t want to constantly fight with him.”
NTA, and it’s terrible that your mother is trying to push her responsibilities off on you. You are young and should be free to explore who you are and what you want to be.
Under no circumstances should you agree to take on caring for your special needs brother full time. And realize that it is patently wrong for your mother to try to push this off on you (this is referred to as “parentification” of your children, and it is considered abusive). It would be better if she put any money she’d contribute towards a shared place into hiring a caregiver for a few hours a week, so she can have a break that way, instead of trying to saddle you with caregiver responsibilities at the age of 20.
Do not let her guilt you. She is the one who chose to have your brother. You have not chosen to have a child yet, so it is not your responsibility to care for her children. The responsibility lies with the person who made the choice, and that person is not you.
NTA. Your mom just wants you to be a caregiver for your brother. That’s a job for anyone else than a parent.
Imo special needs adults who require basic everyday task need trained professionals instead of burned out family members.
NTA, but your mother is. She’s a horrible human being. You need to tell her to her face.
Please look up the term Glass Children. No do not take your brother special needs or not. It is your turn to go live your own life.
NTA. Your mom is trying to unburden herself at your expense. He’s still a kid. If he’s developmentally or intellectually disabled he can attend high school until age 22. He should be cared for by parents, not siblings. Maybe your mom needs respite care if she’s burnt out but she should not be trying to make this your responsibility.
NTA. You mentioned in a comment that he goes to school. He should just be living with his parents. And if Brother gets old enough to move out, then your parents should arrange to have a group home or whatever kind of support he needs. If you move in with him now, you are pretty much agreeing that you will be your brother’s caregiver for the rest of your life.
NTA your mom is trying to hoist her responsibilities on you.
She doesn’t want to care for HER special needs kid anymore, so she wants you to be the primary caregiver to him. Do not under any circumstances take him. It is a guarantee you will never get to actually have a life if you do.
Do not let her use emotional manipulation and guilt to get you to either. If you want to ever have a relationship, that won’t happen if he lives with you.
If she can’t care for him herself anymore, then itbis on her alone to find a caregiver, or a home for special needs people. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
NTA
Don’t do it. She’s trying to dump her responsibilities on you. NTA