Hi, sorry if the language is poor, english is not my first š
When I (20F) was diagnosed with cancer last year, my family was understandably devastated. My mom (50F) was especially shaken, but overall they all were supportive through surgery and treatment. It was overwhelming, but I’m grateful for that.
Since my surgery and during rehabilitation, though, things have changed. Iāve been dealing with pretty severe post-surgery fatigue. Some days just showering feels like running a marathon. My doctor has told me recovery takes time, and Iām doing what I can.
My mom, however, has been constantly commenting on me for the past few months. She criticizes how I eat (āYou shouldnāt be eating that,ā āYouāre not eating enough protein,ā āThatās why youāre tiredā), how little I move (āYou need to push yourself moreā), and sheās repeatedly implied I ādid this to myselfā by not listening to her about my health in the past. For the record, my doctors have never said my cancer was caused by anything I did and I had this lump since I was a baby.
Iāve tried explaining that Iām exhausted and that her comments stress me out, but she either brushes it off as ājust trying to helpā or doubles down and says sheās worried.
Recently, doctors found a new lump. It might be nothing, but obviously itās terrifying. I decided not to tell my mom right away because I genuinely could not handle the added stress of her comments and blame while I was trying to process it myself. I told a close friend for support, and somehow it got back to my mom(our moms work together, so I think that’s it)
She confronted me and is extremely hurt that I āhidā this from her. She says as my mother she has a right to know and that Iāve broken her trust. My family is divided. Some say I should have told her no matter what because sheās my mom and she loves me. Others understand why I didnāt want the added pressure.
I feel guilty because I know sheās scared too. But I also feel like I need to protect my mental health while Iām dealing with something this heavy.
AITA for not telling my mom about the new lump?
Nta. You did it because you care for her.
NTA
You didnāt tell your mom because she isnāt a source of comfort, sheās a source of criticism and frustration. Nobody in your family should even be forming an opinion on this because itās really none of their business
totally get u, my mom can be like that too.. always giving unsolicited advice. its like i get that ure worried but i really dont need to hear it every second!
As an adult, you have the right to share (or not) medical information as you deem appropriate. Your mother’s less than helpful remarks (to say the least) is reason enough not to share medical information with her. The biggest asshole here is your (former) close friend for instantly blabbing your confidential information. All the best! NTA.
NTA! I understand that your mother is concerned, but it gives her no right to add to your already massive pain.
You don’t need her dietary or lifestyle suggestions right now. I’m pretty sure you have a lot of doctors to do that already. You need a parent to support you, understand you, hold your hand when you are scared.
She is making it all about herself when it should not be.
If/When you feel upto it, show her this post and the comments and tell her how you feel about her behaviour.
If she still blames you and creates drama, I would suggest it’s time for you to cut contact. You already have a lot of toxicity in your life in the form of chemicals. You don’t need it in people as well.
You are 20. She is not entitled to your private medical information. She absolutely does NOT have a “right” to know. NTA.Ā
Oh my god, you poor thing. You have enough on your own plate without having to deal with your mother’s histrionics about this. Tell her flat out this is why you didn’t tell her, because her bullying and belittling makes the whole thing worse. You’re dealing with cancer, you don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her bullshit on top of it.
Legitimately, if she can’t be supportive she needs to shut up and sit down, unless she is an oncologist, and more specifically *your* oncologist, she needs to keep her pseudoscience and toilet “research” to herself. I honestly think you’ll have to be cruelly blunt to get this across to her.
This is the [Circle of Care](https://www.muusja.org/circles-of-care-in-traumatic-times/)
Your mom should be dumping on her siblings or friends, priest or therapist: not you.
You’re 20 years old. You’re a whole-ass adult dealing with a cancer scare.
I know there are some cultural considerations here, but your mom is being awful and domineering.
She’s scared, fine. She doesn’t get to make her fear YOUR problem and pretend she’s helping when YOU are the one going through this.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. It’s your body and mental health, and you get to choose who to tell and when to tell them.
Your mother is clearly terrified of losing you – but that’s for HER to manage without putting her fears and overprotectiveness onto you. You’re dealing with enough without carrying her as well.
First thing: tell your friend that when you talk to her about personal things, you expect her to not talk with anyone else about them – and if she can’t handle that, to tell you so that you know not to share. Some people aren’t built to be a confidential support person, which is fine, but you need to know for your own peace of mind.
Secondly, your mother. I recommend that you take some time to work out exactly how to word what you need to say to her. Then sit her down and tell her, plainly and without judgement, that her way of dealing with your health challenge is making your situation worse and it can’t continue. Tell her what you need from her, and what you need her to stop doing. Tell her that she needs to find a way to deal with the situation without putting pressure on you.
As for the family members who are backing your mother, just say to them: “Stop. I’m doing what I need to do for my mental health. Keep your opinion on that to yourself.” Repeat as necessary.
Deep breaths, OP. Your doctors are onto it and sometimes you just need to surrender to the process and follow the path they lay out to you. My best wishes to you.
She’s scared?! You’re the one dealing with this. You’re mom’s selfish and probably narcissistic, maybe even a little abusive. You’re 20, you don’t owe her anything. You especially don’t owe her information that she will turn around and use against you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. I hope you have an amazing outcome and live a long and happy life. Oh and NTA!
NTA. Having cancer is scary, and treatment is exhausting. It can be hard to eat, and honestly sometimes nothing appeals, so just getting any food in can be the goal.
Your mom is being rude because she is scared, too, and wants you to get better. She doesn’t know what to say or do.
Perhaps you could make a list of things she can do that would feel supportive, and a list of things that upset you and feel unsupportive, and discuss it with her. Then, as she does supportive things make sure you thank her each time, and ignore unsupportive things. This could help, I think.
I am very sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you, dear.
NTA. She needs a therapist to unload her fears onto. You’re the one who is sick; she shouldn’t be going to you for support in her fears. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way.
You deserve so much better, OP. You are NTA for choosing to keep your private medical information private….it is your right. Your mother has seriously misplayed this whole situation. It sounds like she adopted a victim mindset herself and is criticizing – and manipulating – you endlessly, while attacking your judgment and blaming you (the actual victim of this horrific medical situation) for something you never could have prevented.
She is actively making your life, and your recovery, worse.
I think you should consider talking to your doctor and other providers at the hospital about additional supports they might be able to offer you. For instance maybe she needs to hear directly from the doctors that your level of fatigue is normal, that it’s not about pushing yourself more, etc. Maybe there are some other social supports for people whose family members interfere with recovery.
I encourage you to accept, for now, that ‘trust is broken’. So be it. You need boundaries and space from her. Tell her you don’t care if she’s upset about being excluded from this news, and that that decision on your part was a DIRECT reflection of her poor handling of your illness and recovery up until now, and that until she can learn to be a supportive, kind parent to her young adult navigating this, she doesn’t deserve to have access to your information, nor your respect.