I 18m have a brother who’s just turned 15m recently and I had a conversation with him today. I was using his phone because the E-sim on my new one bugged out so needed to borrow his to make the call to support. He didn’t know clearing safari history does not remove bookmarks…
And the conversation I started with him wasn’t anything to do with the fact it was pics of men, it was actually about how once you’re at the stage your bookmarking stuff it’s an issue and he should stop because it’s bad for you. But also I gave him an out as well he didn’t have to start talking about the specifics. Because it was just pics (from what I did see didn’t like go through everything) so I started with “I didn’t see exactly what it was and maybe some of it was a joke or accident” and before I could actually make my point he starts crying and actually like shaking a bit.
So I stop and let him calm and things go quiet for a second. I ask him if he’s gay and he says he doesn’t know. I ask well do you like women and he says he doesn’t know. I ask but you like men? And he said yes followed by so probably am fucking gay in a really frustrated upset voice about it.
I ask if he’s sure he’s not bi because then he can present as whatever he wants, (because the idea of being gay clearly upset him) and he said he doesn’t know. He’s tried to but he can’t feel the same way or he doesn’t think he does. So I try and come up with a solution? I say first off if he can’t tell that probably means he definitely has the ability to feel something for them. Because I KNOW I don’t like guys, no confusion there whatsoever.
So asked some more questions, asked how long ago this started and when did he first realise etc. I explained what’s likely happened is either his feelings for men came first or he happened to notice them first based on circumstances either way he felt those strongly.
Then couple years later started looking at this stuff, which desensitises those feelings. So he’s looking to feel what he originally felt for guys with women, but that’s not going to happen while he looks at this stuff and it’ll only make him confused and he’s conditioning himself to only like men not because he can’t like women but because it’s all he’s let his brain be used to.
He then asked what if nothing changes and I said then guess you’re gay but like I said before really doubt that. He then started crying again but also seemed mad and said what I explained definitely isn’t the reason and it doesn’t work like that and spoke about a friend he might have romantic feelings for which he’s never felt for girls. I said well could be still and he shouted back it’s not. I told him there’s no need for that and he goes “why can’t you just-“ but cuts himself off and tells me to get out all angry and upset. Haven’t spoke since.
Idk was just trying to help, idk if my logic works but thought maybe the idea there’s something he hasn’t tried or explanation would help him be less sad.
So to recap: you snooped in his phone, and forced him to out himself to you during a conversation he clearly wasn’t ready to have about his sexuality.
Despite his discomfort you gave him no actual comfort, sympathy, or support about that, just continued to push and interrogate him even after he said he was still questioning himself.
Then you essentially suggested he should try his hardest to be bisexual so he could end up with a woman and repress/hide his queerness forever, told him you doubted that he could really be gay, and framed being gay as the least ideal outcome.
You also claimed that he should avoid exploring his sexuality because looking at pictures of men would somehow reverse conversion therapy himself out of liking women if he was capable of doing so…
and you have any doubt whatsoever that YTA?
Perfect recap!
I have a child who is gay, & reading OP’s post made me so angry.
YTA not the best approach to bombard someone with questions while they’re dealing with something that’s so major and almost life changing
Also major breach of privacy going thru his phone
YTA. You have no business grilling him about his sexuality, let alone trying to convince him one way or the other. It is no business of yours whether he’s straight, bi, or gay; leave him tf alone. And why were you going through his bookmarks in the first place?
YTA. look up and recommend resources for him to go through to make that decision. conditioning yourself to only like men is kind of absurd. if he’s looked at pictures of women and doesn’t bookmark them, he probably is gay. and there’s nothing wrong with that. you can’t force him to work through his sexuality when you aren’t experiencing it. it comes with time and self-acceptance. you could even recommend he sees a therapist to work through his thoughts and feelings
Gently, YTA. The best thing to do when someone tells you that they think they’re gay isn’t to try and convince them that they’re wrong.
Whether or you were aware of it or not you came across (and probably were) trying to pushing him to be as straight as possible. You don’t come across as violent homophobic but it doesn’t seem like you actually accept gay people.
Him saying he didn’t know if he felt attracted to women seems like him hedging his bets to avoid a homophobic reaction from you. He already said he tried to be attracted to women. People who are attracted to women (straight/bi/lesbian) don’t need to try.
You should have said “there’s nothing wrong with being gay and I would still treat you the same” not “I really doubt that”. YTA
YTA and your logic didn’t work so yeah you shouldn’t be forcing someone to be out unless they’re already comfortable themselves so yeah you fucked up big time.
MAJOR YTA, he is obviously still trying to figure this out ON HIS OWN and all he needs right now is comfort and understanding.
Apologize and tell him you love him no matter his sexuality is.
YTA
You pushed him to come out, and then interrogated him. You owe him an apology. Your idea of what healthy porn use is is not really your place to impose on him. You should have seen something he probably meant to be private, and left it alone.
YTA
He’s having a hard time accepting he likes men and you’re making it harder by convincing him he likes women so it’s okay. You didn’t reassure him and tell him being him was okay, liking men was okay or anything like that. You basically said… Well at least you like women.
But from what you’re describing, it doesn’t seem like it
YTA. In addition to what everyone said, I would try to reconcile with your own feelings about your brothers gayness (your real deep down down feelings) before you initiate any other conversation.
Of course YTA. But you’re young and don’t know how to handle such situations, so I have some sympathy for you.
In the future, what you say is: “it’s none of my business, but you’re my brother and I will always love you. Nothing can change that.” Then you drop the subject until he brings it to up to you again, which he probably won’t. You can try smoothing things over by reassuring your brother that you love and support him. Bring a hot beverage when you go reassure him. Hot chocolate is very soothing.