I (F, 26) was introduced to a guy (fake name Clark) by one of my close friends. Over time we all became part of a friend group and now we all hang out together almost every weekend.
Today my friend (F,28) texted me saying something has been bothering her. She said it sometimes feels like I try to make her jealous about my friendship with Clark, even if i’m not the only girl in the group that makes those jokes, and we rarely do so, and that it also bothers her that he and I talk privately or sometimes make plans. The thing is that whenever we make said plans, it’s always with the rest of the group in mind, not just the two of us. She said she doesn’t do that with my friends (who she never sees or talks to) and asked if we could be more careful about boundaries.
I told her it was never my intention to make her jealous and that I respect that she’s expressing how she feels. But I also explained that since we all spend so much time together as a friend group, I think it’s normal that individual friendships form within it, especially since Clark and I share a lot of things in common. From my perspective, it’s not strange that I might have separate conversations or sometimes hang out with him and the rest of the group (that did not form as a whole before the three of us started hanging out collectively) if she doesn’t feel like going out.
She replied that she doesn’t really see us as a “group” and said she misses having more separate interactions. She also pointed out that she was the one who introduced me to him in the first place, and while she knows she can’t control relationships, the situation still makes her uncomfortable. Which I think is “weird” since she first introduced me to Clark with the intention of setting us up.
I responded that I genuinely do see us as a friend group and that connections naturally happen when people spend time together. I also said that if she actually has romantic feelings for him, that would be a different situation and I’d rather she just tell me.
Now I’m wondering if I was too dismissive of her feelings. AITA?
Oh the young…..saw this happening in our sons’ friendgroup. Some Girls like to control things this way. The impact was a divide in the group. The girl who wanted to control things ended up being ignored and pushed out of the group because of her drama. NTA the girl is
NTA. She doesn’t get to use the word ‘boundaries’ to try to control people’s private interactions. She gets to feel jealous, she doesn’t get to use those feelings to try to control a relationship in which she has no part.
What you do with Clark is not her business. You get to have individual friendships.
NTA, and your friend is being weird.
NTA, if she introduced you to each other she can expect you’ll have some sort of relationship. If shes really your friend she wouldn’t be upset that two of her friends are friends too. I understand her being scared someone might overstep and things become uncomfortable in a group setting, but if she introduced you with the intention of setting you guys up that doesn’t make too much sense. And If she has feelings about it then she needs to deal with them. she isn’t involved in the relationship you have with anyone but yourself and her.
This one is a little tricky. If you feel like something is going on which has you uptight and you thoroughly discussed it with your friend, then NTA, but you said you dismissed those feelings for your friend, and in that, YATA.
It is very strange that your friend (call her Lois) would call you at the moment when you are starting to get close to Clark. The timing can’t be coincidence, and the fact she is jealous of how the group used to behave is nothing more than a mask. Pull the mask off and you can definitely see Lois is jealous of you and Clark.
To be fair, it is true that you and Clark share a few things and your conversation is smoother than anything, but the fact that Lois is just seething makes any relationship with Clark, even a long-term relationship, next to impossible. Not only that, but the fact that Lois has to revert to catch phrases about the group, shows that she was hoping to become super friends with you and Clark and then hoping for a little more from Clark as well.
Needless to say, it would be better to find someone away from the group. If you want to bring him in, that is your decision. As for Clark, just stick to small talk, and let Lois have him. I get the feeling that Lois will be a little better as to group activities and you will feel better not having a seething friend in your ear.
NTA – she sounds like shes mentally a 14 year old private school girl, and not a very well-adjusted one at that.