I’m (23F) currently 26 weeks pregnant and have gained 20lbs so far. I started at 123 and now weigh 143. It’s already hard enough on my mental health without my husband thinking he’s a doctor.
He read on multiple websites that the recommended weight gain is 25 lbs for pregnancies. And I’ve almost gained all of that.
I weighed myself the other day and let out a sigh. Instead of making me feel better, He told me “you’re beautiful, but don’t you think the weight gain happened quickly?” Then he went on to say I still have so much time left and that him and I should start to go for walks together.
He told me it comes from a place of concern because he knows how much I struggle with self esteem issues, and claims he heard how bad postpartum mental issues can be, and he wants it to not be as hard for me worrying about losing the extra weight.
He saw how upset it made me but he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how I’m growing a human and to keep eating. But then says things like that. My doctor hasn’t mentioned my weight gain, but now it’s all I can think about.
I can’t tell if it’s the hormones making me feel this way but I’ve stopped talking to him for the past few days.
NTA but not talking to him won’t fix this. You need to tell him, firmly and clearly, to stop. This is hard enough without him adding pressure and stress. If he refuses to respect this well…that’s a massive problem.
NTA – It sounds to me that your husband is incredibly tone deaf and more than a little insensitive. Different people gain different amounts of weight and at different rates during pregnancy. He needs to be more supportive and less superficial. He is \*not\* helping your self-esteem.
NTA
BUT. I think you need to clearly communicate your concerns and issues or things will not get better.
NTA. Your husband sure is, though.
If he were worried about your self-esteem, he would not be tearing you down. He’s supposed to be building you up, supporting you.
Average is average across people. What’s right for you may be vastly different. If your doctor isn’t concerned, then he shouldn’t be.
Please eat healthfully for you and your baby.
Yeah wtf?? He is adding to this instead of helping op, he can put his backhanded compliments up his ass.
NTA
No, you’re not the asshole. You have every right to be upset.
Even if he claims it’s out of concern, he should still keep in mind that you are literally growing a literal human inside of you. It will naturally cause you to eat more so it can be enough for both you and the baby. You’re growing a human, so it’s normal for your body to feel more tired which therefore causes you to eat more which results in gaining weight and even if you eat the same amount as you did before you were pregnant that doesn’t matter bc eitherway you’re gaining weight from the baby itself and that is NOT a bad thing! It’s completely natural.
So yes, you have every right to be upset. What some people might do in this case is divorce, but I personally wouldn’t take it that far, lol. Confront him and tell him about how sad you feel since this is a literal pregnancy and he’s concerned about your weight gain instead of your mental health. That’s not the way to talk to your partner, not even the doctors said anything about your weight gain.
So he has no right whatsoever to be commenting about your body. No, it’s not the pregnancy hormones. Hormones or not, you’re in the right to be upset. As I said, go confront him, and if he keeps this up, you may or may not have to divorce since he should love you no matter what. That’s just my opinion, though. I hope that helps.
P.S., dont even think about what he says. You’re growing a baby after all, so don’t let his negative words get to you. Stay strong :).
Him trying to couch weight comments as concern is still weight comments. Pregnancy is not a cut phase. If he wants to go on walks, cool, frame it as bonding not damage control.
NTA
May I gently suggest therapy if you aren’t already seeing someone. It’s so hard seeing your body go through such massive changes when you have body issues.
Your husband needs to step back and look at how he is addressing things. Your mental health is just as big a priority as your physical health and if your doctor isn’t concerned about your weight, your husband needs to shut the hell up.
Can you try and think about food as nutrition as opposed weight gain? It’s how I’ve tried to relate food to my kids as opposed to good/bad foods. You are fuelling the growth of your child.
As someone whose longest relationship has been with anorexia – please don’t weigh yourself between doctor check ups.
My (ex)husband and doctor were so careful about not letting me know my weight so I could just focus on growing a human.
You are going through a huge amount of changes and they will continue for at least the next year. Your body is designed to make these changes to grow your baby.
NTA but I think you need to break up with your scales and address some disordered eating. It’s not good for you or your relationship with food long term.
Nta, but communicate. I only gained a lot of weight during the very last month. Not once had my husband commented about it. As long as i was healthy, the baby was healthy, he was happy. I still weigh a lot more 5 years later than my pre-pregnancy weight, he never once tells me anything about my weight. He loves me for me and the extra padding is actually handy sometimes in his eyes, hahaha. And with a energetic five year old i get hurt less from little jumping knees on my muscles than he does when playing because of the extra fat xD
NTA
He should have paid more attention to what he’s reading then. Weight gain is necessary and recommended. He should NOT be discouraging normal weight gain.
25lbs is the lower end of the scale, the average is 25-35 (more if underweight, less if obese). But if you’re not sure, talk to a medical professional.
However you do need to talk it through, you can’t just stop communicating with him.
NTA.
Talk to your doctor. Although, if your weight gain was anything the worry about, they would have said something already.
If you were on the low end of the BMI scale pre-pregnancy, gaining up to 40 pounds during pregnancy isn’t unusual.
A lot of that is going to disappear when the baby is born. Aside from the baby itself, you’re carrying amniotic fluid, extra blood volume, your body is storing extra fat for potential breastfeeding, etc.
Worrying about how you’ll lose the weight post-partum shouldn’t be your primary concern right now. Just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and check with your doctor regarding any concerns.
So instead of communicating to him how you feel you decided that the silent treatment was the best way to handle this? Your handling of this is on par with his handling of passing on the information he has found. Talk to him. Neither of you are experts on pregnancy. The figures you’ll get from websites and such are general average figures. Everyone is different and pregnancy is different for everyone let alone each pregnancy being unique for the same person.
I’m not sure if I should give you both some grace or be harsh. He sounds like he has genuine concern but isn’t really engaging his brain before opening his mouth and you sound like you’re taking things far too much to heart and need to get a handle on your insecurities. You both sound rather immature. You’re about to be parents and you should be working as a team. Any effective team requires open and honest communication.
I’ll give you both a little grace and say NAH. Talk. Tell him how you feel. I’m pretty sure his goal isn’t to tear you down so don’t treat him that way. Things are going to get a lot tougher than this and you’ll need to grow a thicker skin for what’s ahead as well as communicate better. I would suggest you start working on both of those now.
NTA. He certainly is though. Each pregnancy for each person is so different. There’s a HUGE range of weight gain. Ask him where he thinks the weight gain is from. I’ll wait for that answer
If your OB who is a specialist in pregnancy does not have a problem with your weight, who is he to bring it up – if he were concerned, he would’ve gone to your appointment and asked the OB what average weight gain range is instead of being Dr. Google. There is a weight gain curve and if your weight is following the curve, it’s likely that it’s fine.
I’ve been pretty fit prior to pregnancy and have continued to work out and lift weights throughout my pregnancy. I eat healthily, with the occasional sugary drinks. The registered dietician I saw (at my request) said my diet is very good. She didn’t have any changes for me. I’m currently shy of 37wks. I’ve definitely exceeded that 25lb your husband Googled. The weight gain is NOT easy and it’s not just fat. Your uterus, placenta, blood volume, breasts, amniotic fluid, and extra fat stores in prep for breastfeeding all comes into play. The weight of the baby! Your changing hormones also play into it. Each pregnant person is different. Some have more amniotic fluid, etc. I’ve also had body image issues before pregnancy thanks to my childhood, so I definitely had imagine issues during pregnancy because I hate how I can’t control my changing body. My husband has **NEVER** brought up my weight. He tells me I’m beautiful all the time and when I’m unhappy with my weight/body, he reminds me that I’m growing a whole human and my body is going through so many changes.
Edit to add: I don’t think the silent treatment is good for your relationship. It’s good to have open communication even when you’re angry at him. He should never have bought up your weight when he knows you can be insecure about it. It’s so damaging to your mental health and if you end up with restrictive eating habits, it can be damaging to the fetus. He should go to your appointments with you and ask the OB about his concerns