My (32M) mother (74F) lives with me, just the two of us. She’s disabled, on oxygen, not easily mobile, has a history of falling and is hospital-prone. She is also very much still in her right mind (thank goodness) and we have a wonderful, healthy and close relationship.
Whenever I leave the house to run errands, pick up prescriptions, go out with a friend, etc. she always does something risky while I’m not there. Things she’s not supposed to do without supervision. Showering, walking up/down our stairs, stuff like that. I’ll come home, find out \[XYZ\] and confront her, she’ll promise me it won’t happen again. But then it does, and it’s not that I’m always leaving- besides work, I’m only going out 2-3 times a week and it’s mainly for shit for the house and her.
The issue is even after three years of this being her condition, she still doesn’t think she’s as dependent as she is. She yearns to do stuff she physically cannot anymore, which breaks my heart because she was always a go-getter.
Now, here’s why I made this post. I feel like an asshole because I intentionally guilt-tripped her. We had a fight a few weeks ago and I WANTED her to feel bad for breaking my trust too many times, making me worried and stressed out about her well-being when she does things that could seriously hurt her.
I told her from now on, I don’t get to have a life anymore. I’ll stay home 24/7 with her unless it’s to take her to her friends’ house or community game night. I’ll pay to have groceries brought to the house and her prescriptions delivered. I won’t go out with friends anymore and void any free time I have to do what I like/need to do outside of work and caretaking. Told her that she’s forcing me to stay isolated so that nothing happens to her.
She said I was blowing this way out of proportion, making it a bigger deal than it needed to be and that she’s an adult who can make her own decisions.
I’ve felt guilty even since but I genuinely don’t know what else to say/do to convey to her how her actions make me feel, or how to stop her. I feel stuck, and obviously I don’t want her to fall or get hurt or accidentally overdose because she’s sneaking around while I’m gone. I’ve taken measures to prevent most of those things but she always finds something new.
I recently asked to be moved to part-time at work so that I could be at home with her more. My sister helps some but she’s lives an hour away and works 24-72hr shifts. I’m working on getting assisted living aid but this post isn’t about what I should do, I just want to know if I’m evil/wrong for saying what I did. I’m so lost.
So, am I an asshole for this?
NTA tell her the alternative will be she will have to go into care if she won’t stop doing risky things. Not being independent is hard but she is risking her health by not listening to you.
ESH. I know this is hard to hear, but mentally competent people are allowed to make decisions that disagree with medical advice.
I don’t disagree, but there’s an element of the daughter being forced to bear the consequences of these decisions
*Son
A person with capacity can make medically unwise decisions, you’re right. But the decions OP’s mum is making are not just impacting her. She’s doing things she knows can/have led to her harming herself in some way, which increases the care burden on OP. That’s not just an adult refusing medical treatment or doing something that is unwise affecting them only. It’s cruel to OP. NTA. Mum needs to hear the truth, because it’s honestly what will end up happening if she keeps up the self-destructive behaviour. Not everyone can afford care homes.
Soft YTA, I do think what you did was a step to far, but I understand the frustration and more then that, fear, that made you say that. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Be upfront and say that it scares you and she either needs to adapt, as hard as it is, or she needs to move to an assisted living facility because it’s not fair for you to have to live your life in fear of coming home and finding her hurt or dead from something preventable.
This. No single person can do 24/7 care, and if she sees taking risks as something to do whenever his back is turned (a touch of teenage rebellion) then the arrangement has to come to an end. Eventually he has to sleep, to see a doctor, to live his life. Eventually her behaviour will lead to injury or death.
NTA, i think you were genuinely just trying to look after her. everyone has their breaking point and i don’t think your reaction necessarily makes you evil/bad. she generally shouldn’t continue to do risky things but also you yourself are upset and i get that. maybe i’m biased because i’m in a similar situation but even as strong as your response was, i think you’re a good person with good intentions OP 🙂
NTA
I understand getting old and losing autonomy is hard, but the efforts you ask of her are nothing compared to what you are doing for her. If she can’t even respect these small restrictions so that, you know, all your efforts aren’t for nothing, being very clear about what her carelessness is doing to you is absolutely warranted.
No one here is the asshole. But you need to focus on the bigger picture. Both of you love each other and want what you think is best.
You are young, she wants you to live your life. She is older and needs support. But she still is an adult. Who can make decisions, even if they are not “good” decisions. Neither of you can control one another.
If there is any way to come to a middle ground. Where you approach her with concern, love and solutions. Approaching her with a guilt trip or with frustration only will exacerbate the situation.
You obviously care for your mother very much. In this instance, YTA though
You are worried and trying to minimise her risk and maximise her safety. In the process, you have become a helicopter parent, infantalising your mother and have taken away her autonomy.
If she were a go-getter, coming to accept she is dependant is extremely hard on her. You helicoptering is not helping. Sometimes you gotta let people be.
Instead of restricting her, if you are so anxious, invest in things that lower your anxiety. Alert button or strings in the house or other devices to make the home safer.
You are projecting your worries onto her.
NAH – I understand where both of you are coming from. I felt the same way you do, and it’s frustrating when they won’t take better care of themselves. You don’t want them to get hurt or worse.
But your mum is right. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. It’s got to be extremely difficult coming to terms with age related issues and also living with the knowledge you’re nearing the end of your life.
Have you ever been in hospital or incapacitated in some way? Being unable to look after yourself, or do any of the simple day to day things you usually do? It’s frustrating as hell, but it’s ok because at the end of the day you’re going to get better and get out of hospital and get back to your life. She doesn’t have that to look forward to. It might be in her best (physical) interest to accept that and allow others to care for her for the rest of her life, but honestly that would be awful and it’s not how I would want to live my life. I’d rather it be over than be unable to do anything for myself and just be waiting to die.
So while it may be reckless, she’s not doing these things to upset you or make life more difficult for you. It’s an unfortunate side effect of her trying to hang on to the last tiny bit of independence she has.
When I came to terms with that, I insisted on getting my mum an Apple Watch and making her wear it every day, even though she’d never worn a watch before. It’s set up with Siri so if she needs to, she can call me or emergency services or whoever else is appropriate with voice commands and I don’t have to rely on her remembering to carry her phone with her. She also has an emergency alert button thing she can wear.
I made a deal with her that if she promised to wear both of those things during all waking hours, I would back off and let things be. But if she stops wearing them, I will be on her 24/7 and make both our lives miserable. She accepted that was a fair deal. She wears them and things have been so much less stressful since then.
Try to find a compromise that works for both of you. It may not be ideal for you, but you both need to give a little.
Hi OP. I’m an in home care worker for the elderly. I just want to say, you’re NTA BUT there is a more effective way to handle these types of conversations. I have had to have these types of conversations with my a LOT of my clients before. The best tactic I’ve found is not making it about how it impacts you, but about the worst case scenario, and I don’t mean death.
At her age, even if healthy and fit her bones will be way more brittle and her healing capacity drastically reduced. All it takes is one bad fall breaking a hip or damaging her back bad enough and she won’t be coming out of hospital, no matter how good of a son you are, she will be placed in a care facility. There is NO shame in asking for help when you actually need it and taking that help when it’s offered. With any luck, we’ll all get old and we’ll all need that help at some stage. The smart people set their pride aside for their own good and take it.
Finding ways to help her still maintain as much of her independence as possible is also REALLY important. Establishing ways to help her still do the things wants to but currently struggles with may make enough of a difference that she ease up on the things that she shouldn’t, with out a doubt, be doing.