Hello. So basically, I’ve got a couple friends that I like to hang out and play games with. Let’s call them Derek and Trevor. Derek is a friend that I’ve known for a long time (we were in the same drama club during high school). Trevor’s a friend from work, he’s quite quiet but we get on.
I’ve had them both around separately at my house and we do the same activities with my roommate, let’s call her Roxie. Then I had a bit of a brainwave: what if I invited Derek AND Trevor on the same day? Daring I know.
I asked Derek and Trevor if they’d like to come over, hang out and meet each other and they both agreed. So I put them both in the same group chat with me and Roxie and we planned something for the weekend. Roxie tends to work weekends but said that she’d like to join us once she was done with work.
The expectation was that Derek and Trevor would come round, make some polite conversation, maybe it’d be a bit awkward, but we’d be sowing the seeds of a potential friendship and maybe this’d become a recurring thing that we’d all do together.
That wasn’t what happened. When they both came over, they clicked almost immediately, which is completely fine under normal circumstances but they completely iced me out. I kelt trying to get involved but they (mostly Derek), continued to talk over me, then they went to a different room to play Uno between the two of them. I left to go make us some lunch and snacks. Pretty much the only time they acknowledged me was when they said “thanks” when I gave them the food, then they returned to what they were doing.
At one point, I nipped to the loo and was gone for maybe 10 minutes before I returned and found them both gone. I called Derek and he said he took Trevor to show him some spot in the nearby park where we hang out sometimes. I was in disbelief. I felt like they had zero respect for their host. I briefly considered refusing to let them back in and opting to just chill alone in my room instead, until I realised they had both left their stuff in my house so I couldn’t do that.
When they returned, I asked, with barely disguised anger, if they had fun. Derek, with a big smile on his face, said yeah, and that maybe they should hang out there next time. The two of them returned to their spot to chat and play more games while I did chores and random shit to pass the time.
Like half an hour later, Roxie returned home from work. Before she could even close the door, Derek yelled her name and asked if she wanted to join.
This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I almost immediately snapped back, “are you fucking kidding me?!” Derek relied with a “what?” I said “I’ve been here all this time!” Derek said “yeah, and?” At that point I just gave up. I stormed up the stairs, turned to Roxie and said “when YOUR party’s over, will you see our guests out?” I felt bad for saying that to Roxie as I thought I accidentally implied she was at fault.
So that’s it. AITA for lashing out the way I did?
NTA. Someone’s always the 3rd wheel unfortunately it was you. Get some new friends. They dont seem to like you. Also 3rd wheeling was a bad idea to begin with. Sorry that happened. That would’ve hurt my feelings too !
YTA. The time to object was “When they returned, I asked, with barely disguised anger, if they had fun” that was a bunch of sideways BS. You set yourself up.
Yeah, I mean I’d be pissed if my two freinds left without me, and I’d say ‘you guys just left on me? What’s that about?’ Not a snarky passive aggressive remark
I don’t think so. You shouldn’t have taken it out on Roxie but if you apologize and explain what happened I’m sure she’ll forgive you. It sounds like your friends were really rude and hurtful though and you’re allowed to have feelings.
I agree with you. I definitely shouldn’t have said that to Roxie. I said that as an attempt of a passive aggressive dig at the other two but it definitely didn’t come across that way and that was my bad.
YTA for how you treated Roxie, she needs an immediate apology.
NTA for your friends, they are AH’s but like, what hte hell was going on there? Either you pick really bad friends, something is going on, or you mistook their trying to bond with ignoring you.
100% agree. I tried being passive aggressive in a way that implicated the other two but it just looked like I was being a jerk to her.
Later on, she apologised to me for anything she did to upset me, but I immediately said she had nothing to be sorry for and said that I was sorry for implying I was in any way mad at her when she did nothing wrong. I felt so bad.
YTA- they hooked up and you’re jealous.
Right? By ‘clicked almost immediately’ does it mean romantically? That’s the vibe I get but OP seems oblivious to that possibility. And like if it was me I’d be excited my friends like each other and I’d give them space!
I don’t think OP handled the situation well, but if they did head out for a while to hook up they would be AHs for that (and are anyway for just heading off somewhere without even giving the host a heads-up) so I would say it’s E S H if it’s not N T A.
It doesn’t matter if they clicked platonically or in the sense of jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting into each other, they were at a mutual friend’s house and they could at the bare minimum have showed some politeness and consideration for the host and mutual friend, no matter how well they were getting on with each other.
INFO why didn’t you join them in playing UNO instead of making lunch?
You describe at several points you left them for an unusually long period for a host (ten minutes in the bathroom, dude eat more fiber). This whole thing is giving weird vibes on your part.
Two people who don’t know each other hit it off spectacularly, yeah it’s normal that you let them take the lead in the conversation. They both know you well already, you don’t need to keep jumping in…
I’ll grant them taking off and then coming back is weird too, but if the spot is literally round the corner I can see it making sense in the right context.
Your actions and attitude getting increasingly worse is not great. At best this is ESH.
I think ESH, them more than you. You didn’t handle this in the most mature way but honestly that behavior by Trevor and it seems especially by Derek is very bizarre and pointed. Like who goes to someone’s house, ignores the host, retreats with the only other guest to a room alone, and then leaves abruptly without informing the host? That seems like severe passive aggression on Derek’s part and like maybe you need new friends.
But also, you’ve gotta learn to grow up a bit when faced with a frustrating, hurtful situation like this. I hate to subscribe to stereotypes but aren’t theater kids known to be a bit clique-y? Maybe Derek has always been like this but since previously you were someone he included, it didn’t dawn on you that it sucks. But this isn’t high school anymore. Use your words, confront things directly (but tactfully), etc. It sounds like your whole friend group – you included – have a penchant for drama and that’s causing a lot of this.
You ARE the AH for how you treated Roxie. She walked into this miss, did nothing, and somehow became the target of your anger.
Y T A To Roxie only. But, if you genuinely apologize, you can come back from this. Derrick and Trevor are huge AHs. They clicked and want to connect again, fine. But, they were so rude to you as a host. I’d cut them both off. So, overall NTA
You didn’t do anything wrong by inviting two of your friends to come by and hang out. I’m glad they got along, but really strange that they took off without even checking in with you.
Some people are better one on one. It could be that socially they just don’t know how to how to interact in a group.
Which again doesn’t excuse them for not including you when they went out to the park, or by leaving you in the kitchen to make food while they were playing video games in the other room.
But, even if they were ignoring you, you shouldn’t just leave them alone and go to random chores in the house. Stay in the room with them and interact. It seems like you might’ve been a little confused about how to interact in a group setting as well. ESH