Brief background: My family has always had a bit of a problem with throwing things away. No hoarder house levels here (except that one time..) but for example, the basement was always stacked with totes full of stuff we hadn’t touched in years and we were always taught to finish our entire plates.
Me and my sister are both adults now and live in our own places. My mom went through a minimalist phase and threw everything out (including our childhood projects/art, even my birth certificate was collateral damage)
So every now and then (years later) she still offloads her stuff on us. Sometimes it’s cool but mostly it’s not.
The problem for us is that we also struggle with letting things go. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels bad and wrong. We have been telling her to stop doing this but she won’t. It’s almost insidious when I think about it..
She was pet sitting while I was on a business trip recently and when I got home there was a pile of stuff waiting for me. A pile of perfectly good stuff. A juicer, shoes, some home cameras, ear buds, decorations, a large mirror etc. (I only want the mirror tbh)
So I’m like “Cool. Now I have an industrial strength juicer and nowhere to put it and I definitely won’t be using it” because.. *I can’t just throw it away..*
WIBTA if I just dumped this stuff back on her doorstep when she wasn’t home?
Asking because I realize I could do the legwork of posting it somewhere/giving it away or sucking it up and tossing it but it feels like shes just offloading responsibility (and guilt) of these things to me and my sister.. and shes still trying to give me her mattress and if that’s dropped off at my home I might self combust
You don’t need to return it like a raccoon in the night though. Just text: “If you leave items at my house without asking, I will donate or discard them.” Then follow through.
NTA. This sounds exhausting. Having hoarders in the family is always brutal. If it’s outside your house you could save effort by listing it on your local by nothing as porch pickup.
Throw it away….
Put it in the trash and in your trash bin. This is sooo so much easier and takes 30 sec compared to driving it back
Then have a conversation and set boundaries about dropping stuff off, maybe have her send pictures and ask you if you want it ( clearly you want some stuff)
NTA
This bugs me to no end when my Mom does that. I have told her my house isn’t her recycling center. If she can put it in her car to bring it to me, she can put it in her trash can. So, I totally get it. I have just had to stand up and create a boundary with her, sometimes she chooses to acknowledge my boundary, and sometimes she ignores it on purpose.
Good luck!
>WIBTA if I just dumped this stuff back on her doorstep when she wasn’t home?
I mean, you realize by doing this there is a non-zero chance you will receive these items back at some point.
Bring the stuff to Goodwill.
This is an all-or-nothing situation – you don’t get to complain about her bringing things to you while you’re picking out items to keep (“I only want the mirror”).
If you’re willing to go to her house and pick over things *before she disposes of them*, tell her that.
Otherwise, tell her that you will be returning ***everything*** she leaves at your house.
YWBTA for escalating the situation without warning.
NTA, but if you really don’t want it coming back, just offload it at the city dump or your local Goodwill (depending on the condition/usefulness of the item) and pretend that it’s your mom’s doorstep.
Honestly, curb it. Someone will come by and take it.
You don’t even have to make posts anymore, there are dedicated people who know trash routes and will go through a neighborhood on garbage day.
NTA you did not ask for them, you did not want them. You are not a storage unit nor are you a donation center. If she does not want them, she can sell or donate them, but it is not your responsibility to deal with her items.
You do however need to set up firm boundaries with her and explain what will happen if they are not respected. IE, loss of house key or access to your house without someone else there, items will be trashed or donated.
NTA. I can totally relate to this – the parent who doesn’t want to take the karmic hit of getting rid of “perfectly good” stuff so dumps it on their child.
My recommendation is have a clear discussion in person with her where you establish boundaries such as: no leaving items on my doorstep without permission ever, ask me via text if I want an item, ask me for help if need it to get rid of stuff.
ESH.
She’s definitely an AH for dumping off stuff that you didn’t ask for. However, dumping it back on her doorstep doesn’t solve the problem.
You can certainly feel free to do with this stuff what you will. Keep it, throw it out, sell it, or donate it.
I’m not sure about all of it, but certainly most of it could be donated to Good Will or the Salvation Army. If you have a consignment shop in your area, you could stop there first and see if they’re willing to take any of it.
Personally, I have the same issues. I don’t want to bother with Marketplace or a garage sale, so I will donate or throw out. Often if I put something usable to the curb the night before our trash pickup, someone will come along and take it (which to me is another type of donation).
NTA But rather than dropping it off at her place, take it to Good Will or the Diabetes Foundation or another charity. That way you’re not wasting the things, people who need them or want them will give a little money to whatever charity you choose, it will be used and not wasted so you don’t have to feel guilty, and you’ll be doing something kind.
donate to a local charity shop.
its just stuff. someone else can love it, you get the tax credit and the charity gets the money
NTA it is not your job to find places for the stuff your mom does not want. I don’t understand why parents feel like we’re supposed to keep every single thing that they’ve given us. My father once gave me a vacuum cleaner thing, did it plug into the wall? nope it was one that has a stick that you push along. It was so great. I was supposed to keep it because you know it’s an antique and it’s probably worth some money AND it works great! Did I get the stick that came with it to push it? Absolutely not, it took up space on a top shelf in a closet until I finally said enough and got rid of it. If you were in the states, you can post anything on Nextdoor for free. There’s an app called freebie alert anything that you post for free on marketplace next-door and a few other sites go to this freebie alert app you can just put it on as a porch pick up and stick it outside and remove your post as soon as it’s gone.