So this just happened and I want to know if I’m the asshole or not, I get that food is a sensitive topic with some people and in all honesty I feel like I was just being a caring mum.
Anyway so my daughter we’ll call her Amy (12F) just took a box of chocolate filled soft sponge cakes (there’s 5 in a box) and ate them all. When I asked why she would eat them all instead of getting something better for her she got upset, when I mean better we have a fridge full of fruit that *she* loves and ingredients to make actual snacks or meals.
She got upset saying that I was making her self-conscious of herself and that I’d basically called her fat. I hadn’t and would never, that girl is my world. I just wanted to help her make good choices.
I have already apologized for making her feel that way but she’s upset at me for it. AITA?
NAH. You were trying to help, she heard judgment. 12 is a sensitive age, especially with food
Pre-teen girls and food is a hard thing to navigate.
I don’t think I have the right answer as I had a hard time with that as well when my daughter was young. They’re VERY sensitive and aware of food/body image, etc.
You are well within your right on a couple of fronts:
1 – Hey -treats are fun but I really don’t think you should eat hte whole box. It’s not good for your system and it’s going to make you feel sick
2 – The box was for everyone, please don’t have all of them (if it’s more of a not considering others kind of approach, because I’d be upset that one person in the family ate a treat that may have been meant for everyone)
Any talk back about ‘you are shaming me’ can be addressed with ‘\[daughter\], this is not at all about weight. I would say the same thing to anyone, eating 5 desserts at once is not good for you. Period. It concerns me that you’re making this about your weight.’
If she does NOT have a weight problem ‘ I can’t imagine you would ever think anyone would call you fat, and I’m concerned that you are thinking this way. .is weight something you are preoccupied with?
If she DOES have a weight or unhealthy eating problem – ‘honey, it’s my job as a mom to make sure you are learning healthy habits. Sleep, study, food, emotional regulation…it’s all a part of me being a parent’. It’s not right to call everything ‘shaming’, that puts a lot of pressure on you as a person trying to navigate this world, and people like me trying to have a conversation that is based on love and guidance.’
I think I was more worried because she’s been asking some heavy questions like am i fat, am I pretty etc which all girls ask that at some point. But then on the other hand she loves her body. It just seems we’re on one end or the other, and I’m worried for her especially since she’s in high school now.
Pet peeve of mine: I don’t like seeing parenting questions on here. The basic setup of AITA is to determine if one or the other party in the disagreement is an asshole. Yes, it’s possible to vote that there are no AH’s in the situation, but the person asking the question is not setting it up that way.
Whenever I complain about this, the parent, if they respond, says something to the effect of “of *course* I’m not asking people to call my *child* an *asshole.*” But for me, you’re in the wrong place then. Do you realize that any and every N T A vote you get will be saying exactly that?
I think your approach is part of the problem.
>When I asked why she would eat them all instead of getting something better for her
That’s a shame-based approach. You’re inherently shaming her, and asking her why she did something you think is wrong *when she just ate some food*.
She’s 12! Her body is growing and changing and sometimes she’s going to eat a bunch of dessert. Unless she’s doing that every day, lay off. YTA.
NAH. The comments remind me that half the people here are not adults
I’ll come at this from a different angle… financially, you need to be teaching your daughter restraint. Eating and ENTIRE box of snack cakes is not just calorically greedy, it’s financially irresponsible not to mention greedy to the rest of the family who may have wanted one.
I’m not saying you cannot afford to keep your daughter in $5 boxes of snack cakes… but it’s an important lesson to learn. I was taught be my mother at an early age that when we went out to eat, I was not to order the most expensive thing on the menu, nor was I to take the last of something without considering who else may want it. These are the habits that get you noticed as you become an adult – one way or the other.
I’d gently point out that grocery shopping is not free, even though the food ‘magically’ appears in the house and that you ALL should be considerate of treats and snacks for health AND financial reasons.
Soft YTA.
Asking someone who has already eaten whatever, “why did you eat that / why did you eat all of that” is totally unhelpful and can ONLY serve to make them feel judged. The deed is done – asking her to explain herself comes off as disapproving and shaming, not supportive or helpful.
Also, it’s okay to eat crappy stuff sometimes. You already say she loves fruit – so clearly she’s not ALWAYS eating junk. You can’t and shouldn’t expect her to always make a “healthy” choice. As long as things are in moderation, it shouldn’t be an issue at all. And, no, I don’t think eating the whole package of five items is a problem with moderation unless it’s being done regularly.
Your daughter expressed to you how you made her feel. Believe her. Asking for judgement from Reddit shouldn’t matter – ultimately the answer is that SHE says you made her feel bad so even if Reddit says you’re not the AH here that doesn’t fix the problem of how you made her feel.
It’s good she felt open enough with you to express how you made her feel. That’s one positive here. But now you have to navigate more thoughtfully going forward.
I feel like I’m in an alternate universe with some of these comments.
Yes, if OP was shaming the daughter for eating ONE chocolate snack cake, that would be an asshole move.
But Amy ate an **entire** box of FIVE chocolate cakes.
At the very least, that deserves a quick “hey, please don’t do that again” because that’s more sugar than anyone needs to be eating in one sitting, especially on a random Thursday afternoon after school with dinner imminent.
And yet these comments bashing OP and saying that Amy should be allowed to eat whatever she wants without judgment – no. Come on. You’d genuinely have no issue at all with your kids eating five chocolate cakes before dinner and wouldn’t feel compelled to say SOMETHING about that?
I’m going to go NAH – I do think OP’s approach could’ve been a little better but I also don’t think it rises to being an asshole, and being 12 is hard as hell so I’m not faulting Amy either.
I see it as more of a sharing or make-it-last issue.
Were more people expecting to eat that treat? If so, she definitely needs to be called out on it.
Was she supposed to make that package last 5 days?
If so, she needs to be called out on it.
And, making healthy food choices is what patents are supposed to teach.
NTA
She’s 12 and has ALL THE FEELINGS ALL THE TIME and she just lashed out.
NAH
Not giving a judgment, but a bit of useful advice.
Research how to talk to your kid about healthy food choices. You can mean well all you want, but you need to be careful not to accidentally trigger disordered eating. There are ways to frame the conversation that can make this easier on both of you.
A lot depends on your tone and how often you say things like this to her.
Having said that, your question was kind of odd, to be honest. What were you expecting her response to be? At 12 it’s honestly just going to be “Because I felt like it.” That’s it. That’s the reason. She’s not going to sit you down and say, “Well, Mother, I ate the whole box because to me the dark chocolate represents the inherent nihilism of your position on groundwater contamination and…” Also, it’s very hard to make “Why would you do that?” *not* come off as accusatory or questioning someone’s judgment.
If you want her to make better choices, or not to eat an entire-ass box of sponge cakes, say that. Don’t beat around the bush or be passive-aggressive about it. Just say something like “Hey, please don’t eat entire boxes of snacks, those are for all of us to share,” or “Please don’t eat more than one treat like that at a time, if you’re still hungry make something out of the refrigerator instead.”
The box had five and she ate all of them? For me that is the issue and I am talking as a mother of a 14 kid who seems to have a hole in his belly.