Burner account. For the past couple of years me (22M) and my mother have not had a great relationship. We don’t see each other that often but we always tend to argue, even over small things, when we meet.I admit that a lot of this is due to faults of my own – there have been moments where I haven’t fulfilled promises as well as I should have or set false expectations on what I can do for her (she’s getting older and frailer). I know that I could do much better in this and my very busy day-to-day life isn’t helping, and I genuinely want to do better; I was a pretty disappointing son growing up, I reckon.
However, there is one thing that ALWAYS sets me off and that’s my mum, when she’s disappointed with me, has started comparing me to my paternal grandfather. She notices a lot of similarities between him and me and is always comparing him to me whenever I do something wrong. I know she really doesn’t like him, as they argued a lot when I was growing up and he has disappointed her with regards to inheritance over the past couple of years. I’m honestly not a huge fan of him either but she seems to dislike him so much it’s damaging her relationship with my dad as well.
I understand *why* what I am doing disappoints my mum but to always be compared to somebody I know she hates, even if she says she’s not doing it to criticise me but merely for comparison’s sake, is really grinding my gears and it makes me unwilling to listen her and very angry. So I always lash out and that invariably makes the conversation turn for the worse, and it is making maintaining our relationship difficult.
What am I doing wrong?
I know it’s irritating, but are the comparisons valid? It doesn’t mean she hates you, but are you truly exhibiting his negative traits?
Honestly, I think that most of the comparisons *are* valid. As examples:
* We’re both not great at maintaining friend groups
* We tend to promise more than we’re actually capable of
* We’re both prone to bursts of anger
This most recent argument we had was because I’d promised to help my sister out with something before realising how difficult it would be and how little time I’d actually have to do it, which affected both my ability to do it and expectations met.
Ok. Thank you. If you find these behaviors unpleasant in your grandfather, maybe you should work on this. You don’t want to be like him. Tell your mom in a calm period that comparing you to your grandfather is hurtful and why. But remember, you have admitted your behavior is not optimal.
Not relevant.
You can describe a behavior without the comparison. Even if he was doing things that are negative the comparison is pointed and hurtful, not helpful or constructive. She’s trying to shame him into changing his behavior.
That’s never a healthy technique.
Or pointing out the same thing he dislikes in his grandfather is doing too. There is a way to point out things that illuminates the issue by seeing it others.
NTA – she is attributing his flaws to all the men of the family.
I am deleting my screed about how she has been raised locked into this issue – she is picking a fight with all of the male line, and if you want to have a good relationship with her, you need to stop reacting and finding a way to remind her that you are equal parts her child.
Thanks for the general advice.
Just point of clarity, though, this isn’t *her* dad she’s affected by, it’s the dad of my dad if it makes sense? They’re in-laws to each other.
Ah, that changes things. This also explains why is affects your father. I’ll edit the decision. I still think it’s better for your to not raise to her bait, because that is what she is doing, she is pushing your buttons, and you are letting her.