I (36M) have been married to my wife (33F) for 8 years now.
We immigrated to Canada 6 years ago, and had very humble beginnings. That is when my wife started asking for things which I considered beyond our means e.g. luxury bags, wanting to rent luxury condo vs apartment, travel, latest phones. Anyway, we ended up having countless arguments over the years over financial decisions which spoiled our relation. So much so that parents on both sides had to get involved on multple instances.
At all these instances, my somewhat affluent parents in law repeatedly suggested "what their money is good for if they cant help us past these tough times", essentially offering monetary help, which I would always politely decline, considering myself to have high self-respect and to avoid being indebted to my parents in laws for the rest of my life. In return, instead of being respected for my self-respect, I was always told something to the tunes of "we want to help you but you refuse to be helped".
Anyway, these events would not stop and one thing led to another and I eventually I decided (for my own mental peace) to never again decline any monetary offer from my parents in law. So the next time a similar event took place, my parents in law got involved and offered to pay half of our mortgage (to lower our monthly installment and ease our financial burden), which was a lot of money. So I accepted their offer. Now after my acceptance of their offer, they have tried various means to backtrack on their original offer to a lower amount but I declined and now I insist they fulfill their original commitment. This has caused a lot a issues between me and my parents in law (I do not let this affect my relation with my wife), so much so that we now barely talk. Its been like this for 3 years now. Reality is, I don’t care about the money as we live comfortable lives now and don’t really need that money anyway, but I insist they extend the monetary favor they committed (part of the reason for my insistence being they having played a negative part in my married life throughout with their many interferences and "monetary offers" which only fueled financial arguments between me and my wife.
My wife has made peace with the salty relation between her parents and me, but I was not sure if I’m being unreasonable here? I kind of enjoy the peace this has brought me as I no longer hear fake offers, and my parents in law having promised to never interfere in our matters, and we try to live peacefully within our own means, not to mention our arguments over financial issues are almost non existent now. So I’m in a kind of win-win situation, except for the now salty relation with my parents in laws (who I believe deserved this).
I have essentially conditioned normalization of relations with my in-laws on their fulfillment of the committment they had made. AITA here?
I get why you snapped. They kept dangling money, stirring drama, then acting like saints. You finally called their bluff and they folded. The distance is probably healthier for everyone
NTA. They shouldn’t be offering help if they aren’t willing to follow through. You politely declined help repeatedly, and most people would have stopped offering out of respect for your decision to be self-sufficient, but also I can see why they kept offering to help. However, when you accepted their help finally, they backpedal? Nope, they’re just trying to make themselves look good and give themselves reason to brag to their friends saying they “offered help but he wouldn’t take it” to make themselves look better. Hopefully it doesn’t sour the relationship between you and your wife. Good luck with it all, mate.
ESH, especially if you think her parents financial situation has changed. Many eastern maternal families feel pressured to contribute financially to their daughters marriage. There is still social concern that when dowry’s are not paid out in SOME form their daughters are treated poorly.
You really need to interrogate what’s going on here.
NTA. This is very much a FAFO moment. It sounds like they were incredibly disrespectful. It seems like they were trying to convince you that you need to care for their daughter better, so you need to take their money. Calling them out was the only way to shut them up. Whatever relationship your wife has with her parents is her own doing. You simply stood up to the bullies and won. I do question the health of your marriage, but that’s another matter.
Hope all is well.
My wife has totally normal relation with her parents. Sorry if I suggested otherwise at any point. I kind of feel unfair at times though that my wife maintains an excellent relation with my parents, while I don’t reciprocate the same anymore. It must be really difficult for my wife to witness that, I can imagine.
NTA. I like your move here. They talk a good game, and you told them to put up or shut up.
Please update us.
Limiting contact? Totally fine. Making them pay to earn your vibes back? Yeah that’s the petty part
Well now do I think about it, you probably are right be right about the petty part. But I see it more of a defence mechanism of mine, to maintain that distance so as not to even allow them the opportunity to interfere in our matters moving forward. I mean I have put up a pretty hard barrier for them to cross before they can start doing that again.
NTA bro, play stupid games win stupid prizes 🤷♂️ they pushed $$ so hard, now they salty when it backfires lol. You just matching their energy tbh.
NTA. They played a stupid game and guess what happened? You’ve managed a tough situation very well and now your’e reaping the benefits. I don’t get the feeling that “the now salty relation with my parents in laws” keep you awake at night.
NTA, sort of. Definitely NTA for finally taking up in-laws on their offer of financial aid. However, at this point you don’t need their money, so it is petty to keep insisting on them continuing to provide assistance.
What strikes me in so many of these posts on social media is that graciousness is becoming extinct. How about saying something to your in-laws like “I really appreciate that you helped us out so generouly when we were just starting out. Your daughter and I have worked hard and are doing ok now, so you longer need to provide financial assistance.” Be nice and I am sure your in-laws will be relieved and will not pester you again about taking money like they did in the past.
However, YTA for being so “salty” when in-laws offered you money. I wish my own parents (who were well-off) would have offered to give me even $1 of help! They literally would not have cared if I had starved or ended up on the street! So be grateful that someone cares enough to help you.
Just to clarify, I don’t actively communicate with my parents in law regarding that. Only at times when my wife brings the topic of normalization of relations between me and her parents, is when I politely throw that condition in. I am not harrassing anyone over it. I’m just content with the peace this condition/barrier to entry has brought me.
Just to clarify, when they had made that offer and when I had accepted, we were still financially struggling (we had just mortgaged a house, and things were tight). So nothing from my end that I need to be thankful for, since the offer remains unfulfilled three years later. Now our income has significantly increased, only after they had made that offer which I accepted.
Halfway through I was convinced you misread the situation and should just take gifts from the rich in laws to fund your wife’s expensive habits – that you were just confused.
But then they offer to pay half the mortgage forever… that’s a huge offer to flippantly make, and their response when you accepted showed you were right – they just wanted to be the big dog offering money and not paying it. I’m not sure why you aren’t letting them off paying now though, or why your wife is sidelined in this conversation – presuming this might be a cultural difference?
If you are happy to make them pay until the lose face, work away I suppose. Very weird all around, but if they didn’t want to pay they wouldn’t. NTA
NTA, relatively speaking. But speaking of relatives…good grief…sounds like the whole cast of characters here sucks all the *fun* out of dysfunctional.
>*my wife started asking for luxury bags, wanting to rent luxury condo vs apartment, travel, latest phones.*
Yuck. When she earns the money to pay for frivolous things, she can buy frivolous things. Until then: **No** is a complete sentence, and it is the correct answer.
>my somewhat affluent parents in law repeatedly suggested “what their money is good for if they cant help us past these tough times”,
Wanting luxury bags and the newest phone and expensive travel is not “tough times”.