I 40F, started dating again after a pretty devastating split back in 2022. Devastating in the way where I felt like maybe I was just better off on my own, couldn’t trust anyone, etc. Well, after some much needed therapy and a good look at my history(aside from that one specific relationship) I’m actually feeling ready. I’m very clear in what I’m looking for and be sure to reiterate that as we start texting/calling.
Onto the story. Last night I’d planned a date with a man who heavily pursued me. No red flags in texting, seemed pretty sweet and also has kiddos, so he would understand my level of busy. I get two weekends a month where it’s just me, so I really like to take advantage of them.
He planned a whole evening, set the locations and where we’d go after dinner, the works. Both our availabilities were around 530/6, him getting off work, me having my kiddos picked up. So in my head, I figured we’d be meeting around 7 or even 8 at the latest. Right? Let me first say I take my part in the blame for not ironing out an exact time, I do. I think communication was a huge issue here, but felt like at one point he was just kind of pushing me out again and again until it kind of felt like he stood me up.
Here’s the timeline of events.
1:18PM
Him-You excited about tonight?
Me- I am. You?
Him- I really am.
5:30PM
Me- What time did you want to meet, I’m about to drop off my littles.
5:49PM
Him-Just getting off work, still have to shower.
7:03PM
Him-Hey
Me-Hey
Him-I’m getting ready, sorry work was super busy.
Me-No worries, roundabout what time are you thinking? Should have ironed that out earlier, lol, I’m definitely ready for dinner.
I should mention here that I ate lunch around 12:30 and am hangry at this point and don’t want that clouding my judgement. I’m ready to just go get a burger and call it a night in, but I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I.E. Need to decompress, time between work and the next thing is something I completely understand.
7:32PM
Him-Getting out of the shower now, gonna order an Uber soon.
8:11PM
Me-I think I’m just going to eat at home and go to bed. At this point, even with both of us getting and uber to dinner, we would be looking at starting the date at 9 or later. So sorry, really should have nailed down a time so there wouldn’t have been this kind of confusion.
9:22PM
Him-Going for a beer. Can join.
At this point I’m finally fed and comfy in my bed with my floof of a pup and kitties. I’m no longer hangry. Honestly just over it at that point. But something went off when he asked me to meet him over an hour later for a drink. Like, what?
So I asked where he was. Told him I was coming, then just never showed up. Kept putting him off each time he texted just like he’d done to me all night, all from the comfort of my bed. I was petty, I know, but AITA?
Edit to add-In trying to keep this within the guidelines, I left out a bit of context. Between the cancellation and his asking me to meet him, I texted how I felt put off, apologized for the timing snafu, told him no to meeting about three different times before what seemed like a drunk text fest. Misspellings, half messages, etc. And it took me the third time before I finally said fine. Sure, I’ll meet you. I’ll take it that ITA. I felt like he took one of the few nights I had and tried to turn it into a drunken night out vs dinner and getting to know each other. I tried to iron out the time. He went from hyper responsive during the day while he was working to every hour or so? I got mad and yes, it was petty and immature, but damn. His profile literally says how he doesn’t want to play around and I felt like he just played around for almost three hours before I finally canceled. Then another hour of drunk texts before I finally went petty and wasted his time like he did mine. I’ll own it.
YTA for saying yes with no intention of going. It sounds like he was extending an olive branch or a path to still making something of the night, ridiculous or not, and you could have just ignored his text instead of lying
what was the point of doing that? It seems like you’re playing games and if you never told him a time then it’s like you did all this on purpose very weird.
YTA. You played around and decided to get even with someone who you hadn’t ever met but who annoyed you so you intentionally set him up to be stood up. Wasted his time. You are petty and childish.
YTA. Both of you were at fault for not setting a firm time for dinner. He seemed to take it well when you decided it was getting too late and then reached out to try to salvage at least part of the night. All you had to do was say thanks, but not tonight. You apparently haven’t gotten as far along in therapy as you think.
YTA
You **told him you were going and just didn’t**.
That’s an AH thing to do.
>So I asked where he was. Told him I was coming, then just never showed up.
You could have snacked at home. You could have let him know you needed to eat by [time] or be home by [time].
Instead, you expected him to read your mind, got mad that dinner wasn’t when you assumed it would be, then told him you’d meet him somewhere and just didn’t.
You were fine right up until you decided to fuck him with for no reason. That’s not just petty, that’s meanspirited. “Oh he was blowing me off all night” he literally told you work was running late, and he had to get ready, and then you waited for hours to cancel. The gap between “leaving work” and “work was busy” may have been that he got caught up at work and had to stay later. But even then, it’s not like he knew you were just sitting, waiting.
Choosing to mess with him was an immature and mean thing to do. YTA.
Edit to add: You got offended that he decided to go out anyway, and wanted to let you know you could join if you changed your mind?
YTA for saying you’d go and intentionally standing him up.
This guy’s communication and time management skills kinda suck. That’s on him. And it’s okay to consider that a dealbreaker. But if you want to meet at a certain time, communicate that. Say “hey, can you meet at 8?” Super simple. If he doesn’t respond or says no, rain check or cancel. If you want a relationship built around honesty and good communication, set the precedent early.
ESH. If I have plans to meet with someone and I tell them I’m ready to go out and they respond that they’ll get an uber soon and 40 minutes later haven’t heard anything from them I’m gonna be pissed the fuck off. Even more so if I get an answer almost an hour later. However you literally had no reason to tell him you were coming other than to be petty, you said it yourself. Could’ve simply said ‘sorry not tonight’ or even ignored the message. So yeah, you and him are both assholes and should’ve definitely planned this better.
Okay so neither of you hashed out a specific time and things sortve fell apart cuz of that. If we left it at that, I’d say neither of you are at fault, because miscommunication from both sides torpedo’d the date.
Him offering to grab beer seems like a genuine attempt to salvage it. You could’ve said no at this point and called it a night, instead you decided to be a petty even though neither of you were at fault for the date not happening. YTA.
Of course YTA, you know that.
Should have texted back “you don’t seem to be able to answer questions, so I’m not playing games. Enjoy your beer, and your life. Bye”
…because you’re an adult, so stop acting like a child.
YTA, and you really need to reevaluate whether you are ready to date again. Your actions show me that you are not. Talk about this with your therapist and figure out why you behaved this way.
YTA- so you made plans with him but didn’t set a time and cancelled because you couldn’t be bothered to meet up with him, then kept standing him up because he didn’t meet your fictional demands. Massive AH.
There must be a typo, you said early on that you’re 40. And you’re still acting like this? Come on man. You already know the answer to this one.
YTA
No time was arranged. His timeline was different from yours. You both failed to communicate in advance.
But then you pretended to be going when you weren’t. This is really toxic behaviour. You really need to skip the dating until you have sorted out whatever issues you have in your history because this sort of childishness is a bad look.