I (16M) have been getting into some turmoil with my stepdad (40M) recently.
Some background info:
I have chores around the house such as unloading the dishwasher, I occasionally have to make food for us 3 (though it’s not frequent) I also very frequently have to make food for myself, sometimes I’m told to pull the laundry in as well. I admit that these are very easy chores that take around 10-30 minutes (sometimes and hour when I’m making food for myself which I do almost everyday) however as a 16 year old student I’m currently going through extreme amounts of pressure at school doing my GCSEs (I’m British unfortunately) chores are alot. now If I only was dealing with GCSEs then I’d probably make room somehow for chores however my school is a jerk and has motto of setting extreme amounts of homework in large quantities and quality. For instance my history teacher set 4 homework tasks set to be completed in 3 days taking up a total time of around 3 hours to do, that’s just history and I have 10 other subjects. As you can imagine I don’t have any free time especially because I do 4 hours of revision on top of that every night.
It’s not like I’m being lazy, I genuinely have no time for myself or sleeping already and chores are far too much rn.
My stepdad doesn’t really care, he expects me to do all my chores as soon as he passively aggressively messages me about them (mind you both of my guardians are UNEMPLOYED) it’s almost as if they literally have 24 hours a day free where as I have none. Every time I make myself a cup of tea he will be mad at me for forgetting to turn the plug off, he messages me constantly saying how he’s asked me to do a chore and how I haven’t done it right or forgot something. I’ve told him countless times "oh I’m doing 4 HOURS OF REVISION TONIGHT" and he still doesn’t recognise how much this stresses me out.
The other night I reached my breaking point, I had left a peice of homework at school by accident and I had so much to do for revision as I was already am hour behind. My step idiot messaged me as a I was JUST starting to come empty the dishwasher (which takes 10 minutes) but that really set me off. I go downstairs begrudgingly and start emptying it thinking to myself "okay I’ll do this and I’ll get right back to revision, everything is fine" and my step imbecile comes into the kitchen saying "yeah when you’re done ring down your rubbish and other stuff okay"….. He left the room and I burst out crying on the kitchen floor. I spent the next 2 and a half hours crying and it took 2 hours for my mother to hear me and ask what was wrong. Im so stressed and I don’t have anytime for myself and yet he doesn’t care.
Since then everytime he sends a passive aggressive message I burst out into tears and I really can’t anymore.
AITAH?
NTA. I remember how this chores felt like such unreasonably large tasks when I was a teenager.
Nowadays, I unpack the dishwasher while I heat milk in the microwave for 2,5 minutes and really, in that time the entire dishwasher is unloaded and everything is back where it belongs.
Perhaps you can also combine chores with things you do anyway? Like unload the dishwasher while you wait for the kettle to boil. And bring back your trash when you go downstairs anyway.
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Yeah, they’re both unemployed
My mother has bipolar and cannot work bc she is a liability so she doesn’t do much all day.
My stepdad got fired from his job about a year ago (for a “dress code violation” however given the way the man works, I suspect he probably said smt racist). Although he as been trying to get a job since
OK you need to see the school councillor and your GP. This is burnout you need help. Any other relatives you could stay with for a while? Christmas at Grandparents? You need some time away, decompress, get your workload under control. UK here, your GP can intervene with the school on your behalf, and should liase with the school councillor
I could go to relatives house as most of my family lives close, thank you for the advise. ❤️
NTA. You are stressed out and looking for some understanding but not finding any at home. Is it possible to do your chores before you start studying or if not, to negotiate when you do them? “I need to study, but I’ll take a break at 8 and empty the dishwasher. I’d really appreciate not being interrupted until then”?
NTA, you need help. Go to your normal relatives and ask them if they can get you to therapist. Maybe you need some pills to take. And your mom and stepfather are really AH if they do nothing but make you do chores.
YTA. Chores, especially what you’re responsible for, are not going to keep you from good grades. You’re fully exaggerating if you say it takes you 10 minutes just to unload the dishwasher. Like, no one is asking too much of you.
NTA You’re suffering from the pressure like a lot of kids, and it’s not even about the chores; it’s the fact that you have nothing but demands and deadlines with no time for anything else. Is your mom the least bit involved? When you told her during your breakdown, did she offer any solutions, comfort, or speak to your stepdad? Did you explain that you feel like you’re at a breaking point and incredibly stressed, and need to be able to focus on school work? Is there a solution other than removing the stepdad completely that would work for you? Maybe ask your mom if, during the school year, the chores could be cut down to the weekends, and when you have big exams, then no chores and no interruptions.
Another thing that might help is a reminder app like Habitica. That way, you can remind yourself, so you don’t have to hear from your stepdad. Your parents need to be made to understand the stress you’re going through. Perhaps a school counselor or one of your teachers could write a letter that simply explains the stress, time constraints, and pressure required of students to meet graduation and college entrance requirements. Even if you had the syllabus for each class that outlines the amount of homework for each night or something to show your parents that you are indeed massively busy.
yeah, YTA from me.
you’re seeing chores as a burden that you shouldn’t need to do since your parents are unemployed. those chores are, in fact – as I told my son as well, life training.
doing laundry, making food, doing dishes, emptying trash bins are the things you will do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. you will need to do it FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT. not for your parents’s benefits. your own.
when you start living by yourself in a few years, the ability of doing those will flow easily when you’re already doing it for years. you won’t think of it as a burden, it’s just part of life.
you’re stressed out due to your exams and homework. what you need is a plan. plan your days. write down the time you want to use for studying, doing chores, hanging out with friends (as that’s important too, human needs to socialize), winding down (everyone needs a break).
talk to you mom and stepdad about your schedule. tell them, for your mental health, you need to keep the schedule and you’re only going to do the chores in the time allocated in your schedule. if your stepdad refuses, then just either silence his messages or block his number.
YTA to yourself. Four hours of revision every day after school is unsustainable even if you didn’t have any homework to do on top of that. Why are you overworking yourself like this? It’s only November, you should barely need to be revising at all yet!
Why do you feel you need to work like this? You should probably talk to a teacher or someone at school about the amount of pressure you’re under and the amount of work you feel like you have to do and seek some help.
INFO. Your chores are unloading the dishwasher, occasionally cooking a family meal? Pulling the laundry can you explain what that means? Is there anything else? Who is doing the rest of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, making beds, gardening anything like that?