Yesterday an ex (34f we are still friends) and I 43m planned to go on a hike and we decided on a spot I know well. On our way there we pass by a privately owned but open to the public trail system that I haven’t been to since I was a kid (bc I normally have dogs with me and they aren’t allowed).
She suggests we go there bc there are parts of the hike that we intended to go on, where you can hear the highway, I explained that there are lots where you do not, but was up to check out the privately owned spot if that’s what she wanted, which she said she did.
When we got there, it turned out to be all paved, which we both weren’t stoked about, but walked it anyway. After awhile she said “this kind of sucks, can we leave?” I said “of course”, and then jokingly said “I voted for the other spot”. And that set her tf off. She says “fuck you, shut tf up, why would you say that?” I felt like I stepped on a landmine and I was immediately on my heels trying to figure out what happened.
Eventually I get to what pissed her off and it was that she thought I wanted to blame her for the hike being lame, before she could blame me, which is just such a foreign concept to me that I can barely comprehend it honestly. So I try to explain that it was 1000% a joke, and I’m sorry if how it came off was accusatory, but I would never do that. I truly could not care less that the hike was kinda lame. But there would be no peace until i owned that I was trying to blame her, and apologized for that.
It felt maddening, and we didn’t talk much on the way home. And then when I dropped her off she ran back to my car after she got out and said she lost her apartment keys so I ended up driving her to her friends place and back (even though she had her car keys but wanted me to drive her 🤷♂️ and I did bc I knew I’d get torched if I asked why she couldn’t drive).
ΝTA.
Honestly, she sounds impossible.
I also dont understand what the problem was. Also i dont understand why she couldnt drive. WTF
How can a person take ‘I voted for the other spot’ as anything other than you blaming the other person for being the reason you took the route you did? It ‘is just such a foreign concept to me that I can barely comprehend it honestly’. Except that is literally what you said, so clearly not such a foreign, incomprehensible concept? Obviously neither of you would have chosen the paved route had you known it was paved, but even if it was a joke, you were blaming her for going the other way. It’s not a funny joke, when you both are already disappointed at how the hike turned out, to pile on the other person and then act like you have no idea why she reacted strongly. YTA
I agree it was blaming her.
Why couldn’t this couple get past something so small?
I wonder if this isn’t a thousand paper cuts kind of issue. If he truly doesn’t see how he was blaming her, and he does it regularly, she’s going to react more and more irrationally each time. Then he can sit back and point out to others how she blows up without any provocation and aren’t women just unbalanced. If he never reflects on his impact on her blowups, then he can’t see when she IS being unreasonable, like ‘needing’ to be driven to a friend’s when she had car keys.
It’s a super trivial conversation, honestly, but if it was the last straw for the poor camel…then the camel needs to spend more time with people who don’t make them blow up, for the camel’s sake.
You may be on to something
Woof that’s grim. Not the case. People keep asking me what the joke is and in all my confusion I guess I kinda forgot while I was trying to piece it back together. We stopped to get stuff at the gas station and I got a latte bc they had some new holiday coffe bar thing, so she chose a similar thing. They turned out to be kinda gross which we both acknowledged, and she said why’d you make me get this. I didn’t take it as accusatory and just said whoops sorry no big deal (i bought them btw so she wasn’t out money or anything). I think my dumb joke was a reference to that, but I just wouldn’t ever actually blame someone for something so obviously out of their control and the joke was basically a parody of that. I don’t imagine this will help my case for those who have decided I’m some thousand paper cuts type, but figured I’d try to add context 🤷♂️
NTA She’s angry with you and isn’t saying why.
I’m male so I’m utterly confused why she blew up. I was married 20 years and I’ve only managed to learn 2 things:
1. apologize but don’t expect it’ll make a difference
2. I’ll never understand so quit trying and move on
I can see why you *were* married
NTA. She’s an ex for a reason.
Honestly, YTA. It was a snippy comment. Seems like she was probably embarrassed that she pushed for you both to do something that ended up not being particularly fun. Whilst she definitely didn’t need to react so strongly, it was an unnecessary comment on your behalf and she probably felt like you were rubbing it in her face.
ESH, very light on your end. I guess you were blaming her but it was a lighthearted comment and she massively overreacted.
NTA. Also shows why she is the ex girlfriend lol