This didn’t happen today, but it’s been bugging me for a few years.
A few years ago, my partner’s best friend (I’ll call her Ava) tried to organize a vacation to a waterpark resort involving Ava, Ava’s husband, my partner, and I. Ava asked me when I might be available for it, and I told her that I didn’t know.
Some important context is that I have always had very heavy menstrual periods, so I haven’t planned anything related to waterparks or pools since puberty. I’ve had enough accidents to know that, on the heaviest days, there is absolutely no way that I will be able to handle that much movement, even with a tampon or cup, without an accident. At the time, I also would have extremely painful periods, think pain scale of 9, vomiting, diarrhea, writhing on the floor, barely able to cry, unable to speak, shout, or make any sound other than moaning in pain. Due to some gynecological trauma that I hadn’t worked past at the time, I hadn’t seen a doctor yet. Similarly, because of the immense amount of shame I feel around periods, I did not attempt to track actual dates. The entire subject made me extremely sad.
Because of this, I was only comfortable planning something involving water only a couple weeks or days in advance.
Without communicating further with me, Ava booked the tickets on a date that happened to coincide with the worst days of my period. Predictably, I told her that I would not be going. Upon her effectively begging me to go because she didn’t think my partner would go without me (I am completely okay with him going without me!), I told her my reason, which I did not originally want to disclose because of shame, expecting her to understand. She still insisted I went anyways, and to just use a tampon or cup. I gave her vivid descriptions of the pain, and she told me that I should have seen a doctor already if it was that bad (i.e. she did not believe me). I still insisted that I would not be going, because, and forgive the graphic description, I did not want to drive 3 hours to writhe on the floor of a hotel bathroom that may or may not have enough toilet paper, and may or may not have a toilet near a sink or shower to vomit in while I shit my brains out.
Ava then had her husband message me, asking me to go. He was much nicer about it, but I still told him that I would not be going. She then put herself, her husband, and I in a group chat, where they continued to try to convince me that I should go, because if I don’t, my partner won’t go, and that’s selfish. I told them that if they wanted me to go, then they could pick a different date, to which they responded that it was already booked and they couldn’t modify it. I then stated the obvious, that I was completely okay with my partner going without me (even though that’s a bit disappointing).
They ultimately went without me, but Ava has been so strange toward me since that I question whether I did the wrong thing. Was I the asshole for not going?
NTA and you need to get checked for endometriosis.
You’re definitely not the asshole,
but them suggesting “if it was that bad you should’ve gone to the doctor by now” might not be because they don’t believe you. It might be because you genuinely are having such bad periods to the point It’s disabling you, and you would be better off if you could get some sort of treatment or at least an answer for what’s going on!