A little bit of back story. I’m F21.
My mum and dads marriage has been unstable for as long as i can remember, the last 5 years my dad and i have become close. I feel like i’m the only one that talks to him, interacts with him and he’s been vocal before of how appreciative he is that i’m around.
A year ago my boyfriend moved in with us. My parents moved house to a more rural area and my boyfriend went above and beyond to help us move, my dad has stated multiple times that if it weren’t for him, this wouldn’t have been possible. My boyfriend also goes out with my dad every weekend, spends a ton of time with him and does a lot of the chores around the house.
We both currently aren’t working, i have extremely bad physical health issues that i’m trying to figure out, my boyfriend is supporting me daily to essentially just live. He has offered to start paying rent prior, which both my parents said no to.
Now the problem.
After a few inconveniences my parents have decided they want to move back closer to a suburban area. Me and my boyfriends stuff cannot fit in the bedrooms of that house, we’d have to share a bedroom (we have a hobbies room and a bedroom seperate purely because of the amount of stuff we have) Majority of our stuff will have to get put into storage at our expense. Ontop of that the bedroom is in the hottest room of the house, the heat significantly worsens my physical health. They’ve decided to give my sister (who also doesn’t pay rent and isn’t home often) the bigger, cooler room.
Both of my parents have started treating me and my boyfriend poorly out of nowhere. We understand we don’t pay rent but we’ve offered before and even if we started, we still have no say in the matter (they made this clear) It’s not like we sit around all day, we do contribute in every way possible aside from cost right now.
We have a place and we can move across the country. Seems like a simple decision right?
But a part of me can’t help but feel immense guilt for leaving my dad. If they were in a position where they have no choice due to financials, we’d both try and support them the best we could – but they chose to jump the gun and overpay for a much smaller house only because they dislike the travel time. We would still help them move into the new place and get settled but from there on we would move out.
I know he’s not my responsibility, but for some reason i can’t shake this sense of guilt and burden.
I just want to add in, i’m not demanding anything. If they want to move it’s their decision and i support them at the end of the day it’s not my home, we are both okay to step back because it won’t work for us. Yet i still feel like the TA.
TLDR; Me and my boyfriend are considering moving out across the country because my parents are downsizing their house and expecting me to sacrifice my physical and mental well-being. In return i feel guilty leaving my dad.
look.. you’re not abandoning your dad, you’re choosing to breathe. he’s a grown man in a marriage he chose. you cant light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when they’re the ones who moved the fireplace. go live your life, kid
NTA. You’ve gotta do for you.
NTA. I get the guilt. I’ve been there too many times. But ultimately, your health is priority. I also have an autoimmune disease and it’s a pain to manage. It’ll take some time to shake the guilt, but it is what it is. If you can get access to professional help to sort through the feelings I highly recommend it.
Focus on you! Your parents have your sister and they can rely on her for help.
Do you know if there was any incident, even small, that may have changed how they treat you and your bf?
NTA
Your parents are making the decision to move.
They are prioritizing your sister over you even though she doesn’t live with them and their choice has negative implications for your health.
You have an alternative that will accommodate your and your bf’s needs.
They made their choices; you need to do what is best for you.
NTA
It’s time you go live a life for yourself. You’re feeling guilty because you feel responsible for them in a way a child shouldn’t be for their parents. They’ve depended on you and your boyfriend, but for some bizarre reason, the child that gives the most is rarely the one treated the best, one would be lucky if it’s even equal. I don’t understand it either.
You sound like you have a wonderful partner in your boyfriend, so go live life together where he also doesn’t have to constantly be around his in-laws
I do feel for him.
He moved across the country initially here because i’m a few years younger then him and he didn’t want me to have to move so far away from my parents so young. Now it’s biting him in the ass and i don’t think he could’ve done anything more for my family.
He did say he would follow my decision, but after everything he’s done – it would be beyond wrong to expect him to live like that.
Yeah, i try not to focus on who has more but to not even negotiate about it and take the attitude of “you don’t get a say” but my sister does is really strange.
We have born families and chosen families. Your boyfriend chose you. It’s time for you to choose you (as a unit).
I also want to add that, even with the best of in-laws, it’s good for couples to have some distance and not live under the same roof. I have the world’s best imaginable set of in-laws, and my own parents get along with my husband extremely well, but we cannot live together with either sides. It would deteriorate however eventually.
I hear you. It generally all went extremely well for a long time, i think my parents enjoyed having another member in their home. (My eldest brother moved out and my sister isn’t home often)
But with this entire stress of moving, i think it’s just become to much on everyone. I really appreciate your advice and you taking the time to comment.
My boyfriends shown so much loyalty, i don’t want to continue choosing others over my own health. I understand that responsibilities shift when you get older especially when it comes to family, i guess with my age and being their youngest, it felt a little more harsh then i imagine it traditionally would.
NTA. You need to live your life. You can still call your dad and plan trips to visit but his happiness is not your responsibility.
NTA. You are legally an adult; you would be moving out of your home eventually. Your parents are also grown; they will figure out their lives-or they won’t-that is not your problem…it has NEVER been your problem.
As for you, good luck on the move. You wrote ‘*We both currently aren’t working, i have extremely bad physical health issues*’, I hope you have made sure the new location has health and support resources to support your medical needs. I hope at least one of you has a job waiting at the new location. I hope you have already checked with support agencies there who can help you find work or that you have started formal, legal paperwork to be on fulltime disability for the rest of your life. I hope you have thought ahead to how will you live if you move that far away and you two break up or he is no longer able to support you (re: check the area’s disability support center and how they can assist you to be independent). All of that was said NOT to discourage you but to prepare you, so you don’t fall into the same trap as your folks: move here, didn’t work out, move there, didn’t like it, move back there, dang, rooms not right, etc.
Go be an adult, learn, enjoy, venture, make new memories, and let your parents live their lives as you live yours, be happy.
Don’t worry! Everything’s been talked about and thought through entirely. I can never make a decision without over thinking it a million times baha.
My boyfriends on payment here, i also will be illegible for a payment once i move. The only reason he isn’t working right now is to support me at home and because there is 0 job opportunities in the rural area my parents are currently living at.
We would be staying with his parents in their granny flat for a little while, then once we’re sorted and hopefully my physical health is on the right track, we will start the search for a rental. Luckily we do have some savings together to carry us over.
I can’t imagine us breaking up and even if we did, we would still support eachother. Regardless, i do have quite a bit of family that live there too so i will always have a place to go.
I appreciate you taking the time to write all that out 🙂 – it’s all a bit overwhelming honestly but i know that’s just some of the life cards you get dealt when you get older
Why the guilt when mom and dad have made a decision that puts you outside the circle of concern. They made a decision because that is their right. It is also you’re right and they are letting you know it won’t matter to them if you don’t go with.
As for dad, you feel your mom influences him against his own interests. You feel obligated to protect him. He is an adult. He is making his decisions in his own best interest. You can respect that and do the same for you.
NTA. You’re not responsible for sacrificing your health or your future to stay close to your dad, especially when you’re not being given any real say in living conditions.