Hello,
In April 2017, we had a stray cat (Boycat) that basically moved in to our backyard. From then until early 2019, we tried to make our cat (Girlcat) get on with him. That didn’t work out because Boycat was always chasing Girlcat and was getting aggressive with Boycat… Whenever I was home, I noticed how stressed my parents were because of Girlcat and Boycat. Basically, Boycat could only stay in the basement or in the backyard, otherwise Girlcat would complain and try to attack him.
I do not remember exactly how it came to this, but my mom called a rescue to ask for help/advice and they basically just took Boycat away. He was adopted two weeks later.
Since then, my mom hasn’t been able to forget Boycat. She tried to find out where he lived just to apologize to him and make sure he was okay, but we could only find out the neighborhood and never saw Boycat again even though she went there every week for over a year.
Afterwards, she never mentioned it to me or my dad again. In the following years, she became an alcoholic. My dad and I tried to help but she refused and never told us about how she felt about Boycat.
This week, when she was drunk, she admitted that she drinks so that she can sleep at night. Basically, she feels that she abandoned her ‘son’ and the only reason she keeps going, is the hope she will find him again.
This broke me and my father. I snooped around and was able to find the adress of the family that adopted Boycat. They weren’t home so I left them a letter explaining the situation and asking if they would agree for my mom to see Boycat one more time. When I was going back to the car, their neighbors saw me and we talked. They informed me that Boycat had passed away about two years prior due to a disease, but that he was always well cared for by his family.
I think I owe it to my mom to be honest and tell her what I found out. My dad is scared this would only make mom suffer more and asked me not to say anything.
WIBTA if I tell mom what I found out?
Mom needs therapy. Bottom line.
We’ve sought help four times since 2020 – in and out patient, both for alcoholism and/or depression. Mom systematically refuses help and since she’s a ‘functioning’ alcoholic, we can do nothing else (as per the law). Neither my dad or I drink, ever and we don’t have or buy alcohol. Only mom does.
ESH for not getting this woman the obvious help she needs. This is not a normal reaction to rehoming a feral cat. She very obviously needs therapy, not you trying to track down the cat.
She is alcoholic. Therapy works only with willing participant … and she is not one yet.
I feel like it could possibly help her move on. Seems like ultimately the cat would’ve passed either way.
INFO. It’s difficult to say how your mother would take the news that Boycat had passed away from an illness.
I would think truth might bring closure, but if she’s drinking that hard out of guilt, your dad might have a point.
I see the validity of both sides on this one.
NTA
It may bring some comfort to your mom to know that the cat wound up having a good life.
That said, I don’t think that her alcoholism problem can be solely attributed to the loss of the cat.
Addiction is complicated and really hard to beat. Your mom needs to get help, and admit she has a problem that has very little to do with the cat.
I don’t know how to tell you this but alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics… Even if that cat was alive and you brought it home and it recognized her instantly… She would find a new reason to drink within 3 months.
She doesn’t need to know about the cat… She needs AA before her liver fails.
We’ve sought help four times since 2020 – in and out patient, both for alcoholism and/or depression. Mom systematically refuses help and since she’s a ‘functioning’ alcoholic, we can do nothing else (as per the law). Neither my dad or I drink, ever and we don’t have or buy alcohol. Only mom does.
Your mom needs therapy and rehab. I’ve never heard of anyone falling into alcoholism because of a cat before so there might be a little more going on with her than you or your dad know about so I definitely recommend convincing her to seek professional help
Tell her the truth. I’ve been in that situation and never knew what happened to my cat. All these years later I would be so happy if I learned that he had a good home and was happy, and died loved and cared for. Imagining him lost and hungry, or being mistreated is the worst.
So, I hope this is made up.
Second, you dont become alcoholic because of a cat. I dont know why you believe that story. Alcoholic needs detox if the dependence is physical and actual treatment. They wont agree with treatment unless they experience consequences of their addiction. And that is it. Cat story wont help.
ESH for bothering those people and mom for not agreeing to treatment.
This is one of those situations, OP, where the answer isn’t cut and dry. There is an enormous issue with your mother becoming alcoholic over a stray that never really became one with the family anyway. That’s an entire year’s worth of therapy in and of itself.
NAH, OP, because either you or your father could be right.
The determination of whether or not you should tell your mom is going to be based on whether it would help her or harm her. If this would give her closure and healing, you would be in the wrong not to tell her. If this would upset her more, you would be in the wrong to tell her. Personally I lean towards telling her being the wrong idea, given what you say about her only continuing on because she doesn’t know what happened to him. Knowing he’s gone frees her to focus on other things… or lets her give up on everything. We can’t know which, but you do know that the status quo of not knowing at least keeps her with you.
The trick here is that you need to figure out which way your mother might go, and I don’t see that being easy. Even just engaging with your mother about the cat might be triggering for her. On a less fraught topic, I would ask some rhetorical questions about what she might wish to find out.
What you need to do is get her into therapy, and if you aren’t suggesting that to her regularly, YWBTA here.
She became an alcoholic because she was worried about a cat that had gone to a shelter? I don’t think so.