Hi there. Context first. Me (24F) and my roommate/friend from college (24F) have been living together for about 6 months now. The highes have been high and she’s a great friend, but we’ve definitely had issues. It stared with small things like not being allowed to clean out the freezer to make room for some of my stuff because she doesn’t like me touching her stuff and won’t clean it out himself. Since we’re friends, it escalated to being ‘territorial’ over my plans. If I make plans to do something with other people or other friends, she gets upset with me. I also know she’s been hurt in the past about being excluded from things, so I would say 8/10 times when I’m making plans I try to extend an invite. Not to mention that we’re together nearly every weekday watching tv and hanging out on weekends. I feel like it’s a double standard — she can go out and do whatever with whoever but if I do it she’ll get upset and ignore my texts or start to be passive aggressive. I’ve been told by others who I’ve spoken too that I need to stop apologizing for things and stand up for myself more.
Fast forward to right before New Year’s Eve. She texts me and a mutual friend about our plans and if she should fly home early for the holiday. I mention that I already had plans with my friends from my hometown, but that I can try and extend an invite. She asked if they would come in to the city to our apartment, and I said I would ask but it would be unlikely. Eventually her and my other friend mention that they’ll hangout regardless of me and if it’s just the two of them together on NYE that’s fine. My roommate asked me for an update a few days before NYE, and I told her my friends did not want to take the trip in to the city so we’d probably just have separate plans, and she immediately got defensive and said ‘I guess I’m not invited anymore.’ I reassured her that wasn’t true and she said she was disappointed because she wanted to spend the holiday with me.
Throughout the next few days I tried to text her updates on my new year’s plans at home (if she still wanted to come as the invite was still open) as my friends and I get more details and apologize for not communicating things better prior. However, for almost two days, it’s complete crickets on the other end. She’s ghosted me before when upset, one time for an entire weekend, so I figured she was pissed at me that she came home for the holiday and now I wasn’t going to be there (but she was still hanging out with our mutual friend – I checked in with her to make sure she wasn’t alone). Eventually she apologized for not replying and said she was just tired and catching up on sleep and thanked me for communicating. We shared resolutions around midnight via text and I thought we were in the clear.
I just back to the apartment this morning and we’ve barely spoken at all and I’m sensing some passive aggressiveness. I’m getting the sense she was indeed upset over the NYE stuff. Am I the asshole? Do I apologize again?
NTA, and I think you need to actually sit down and talk this out and set some boundaries. She’s not your shadow, she shouldn’t feel like she’s got a right to accompany you everywhere. Much less make you change your already established plans with other people to suit her whims! What she’s demanding is unreasonable, and she’s being very clingy and has established an unfair double standard where her plans are her plans and your plans are her plans, too.
NTA but your other friends are right that you need to start standing up for yourself and stop apologizing. You also need to start calling her out for the double standards.
I’d start looking for a new roommate though. You’ve got six months left, don’t renew the lease with her.
Please don’t apologize to her. Apologies carry the assumption that you did something wrong, which you did not. You are roommates, not a married or committed couple. She has no right to be involved in everything you do socially. You should set very clear boundaries with her for anything going forward. NTA
NTA, but you’re the problem! Stop apologizing to her, you didn’t do anything wrong. You need to stand up for yourself.
Think I needed to hear this again from someone on the outside – thanks!!!
NTA
but you will be if you don’t start standing up for yourself.
Wtf are you apologizing for? YTA for setting yourself on fire to keep your roommate warm. 🙄
NTA and stop giving her invites because she makes you feel guilty. Her behaviour would even be considered extreme if she was in a relationship with you! You are allowed to have friends who are not her, her insecurities are not yours to deal with. Let her be upset, she’s doing that to herself, you’re not doing it to her.
NTA. You’re in an abusive and toxic relationship/friendship. If you’re on the lease, don’t not extend it. If not, give 30 day notice
NTA, but I think you’re taking way too much responsibility for your roommate’s emotions. Yes, you’re becoming friends, but it’s not your job to make sure she is entertained and included in everything. In fact, since you live together, it’s important to have separate lives.
Communicate well. Don’t spend your time speculating about what she’s feeling or thinking. Go on what she has communicated to you. Do not invite her to things that your friends have not invited her to. If she’s not texting or replying to you for a while, that is her own business (unless you have reason to believe she is in danger, sick, or injured). If you feel she’s being passive-aggressive, do not respond to it. That just shows her it’s working. Be more straightforward. If she says something like the “I guess I’m not invited anymore” instance, be honest. “My hometown friends don’t know you, so no, they didn’t invite you. You just asked if they would come to our apartment in the city.”
And you don’t have to discuss everything about your plans. You can just say, “I’ll be out Saturday afternoon until late.” If she tries to dig for details, just be vague and deflect. “Nothing special, what are your plans for Saturday?”
YTA to your friends for subjecting them to this person.
Nta, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. She is a little passive, take the space , keep it there, you need it for your sanity.
NTA. Seriously, just because you’re friends/roommates doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip and not allowed to be non-exclusive! That’s the case for romantic partners as well. It’s not on you to manage her insecurity, and truly, it sounds like you put her first pretty often.
Stop apologizing to this person !!! They are toxic!!! Move out and get a better roommate!