Using a throwaway account.
I have two friends, a couple, "Tim" and "Sophie". They live in a tourist city around 2.5 hours from mine and Tim’s home town, where I still live. Over the years, I’ve gone up to visit them, and have stayed in their apartment on their sofa bed.
Last year, I started dating "Emma". After we properly started dating and Emma met most of my friends (all are mutual friends of Tim as well), Tim and Sophie said it would be great if she came up with me the next time I wanted to visit.
Over Christmas, when Tim and Sophie were visiting home and we were out (Emma spent Christmas with her family so wasn’t around), they again said it would be nice to meet Emma. I looked at some rough dates that I knew would work, and suggested one, which happened to be this past weekend. It worked for them both, and they mentioned offhand that I’d probably want to book a hotel soon before it went up in price.
I asked what they meant, and they said they assumed that, with Emma coming up, we’d want our own space at night. They live in a one bed flat, and their sofa bed I have used before is in their living space. They also said they’d based this on something I’d said a few weeks before (Emma met my mother for the first time, who lives a couple of towns over – my mother said that the spare room was always free for us, and afterwards, Emma made me swear we’d always get a hotel when we visited as she didn’t want to stay there). I said that it was a different situation, not least because they’re not my mother. Also, while they were correct that hotels were not out of our price range, the idea of having to spend this money, on top of travel costs, when previously it was not needed, did put me off going up. I put all of this to Emma later on, who took offence at the situation as well, and said she’d only meet them when they came back home as they clearly had an issue with her. I didn’t say this last part to Tim and Sophie, but confirmed that we wouldn’t be going to visit them at the moment.
This past weekend, we ended up going on a weekend away, to a place around 10 miles from Tim and Sophie’s city. We did visit the city on one day, and Emma posted this on social media. Word got back to Tim and Sophie that we had been to their city (a friend incorrectly assumed we were there to see them), and I got a message from Tim later on saying that he was bummed that we’d said we couldn’t come up on that weekend, only to have visited regardless. I put to him that we hadn’t actually stayed there and it was a visit, but also told him that we’d been put about by not being able to stay with them in the initial scenario. I’ve not had a reply but Tim ‘read’ the message, so I don’t know what he is thinking about my views.
Emma and I are content in our choices, but I don’t want to lose Tim and Sophie as friends over something I view as trivial. AITA?
YTA. Moocher. Be a grown up and get your own room so everyone can have space.
I think you’re the asshole.
You and Emma* are grown ups — why does it matter where yall sleep? Your friend was trying to be respectful of your relationship… thinking you both would want a more personal/intimate setting to get ready and shower as well as sleep without being in a cramped 1 bedroom apartment.
I think you caused unnecessary drama between your friends and girlfriend. YTA
Edited to correct the girlfriends name, spelling and grammar
So you paid for a hotel anyway, visited their city anyway, but wouldn’t pay a visit to them because they didn’t want 4 grown adults living in their 1 bed apartment?
YTA.
With social media so prevalent you had to know that word was going to get back to Tim. It was a passive-aggressive move on your part. How hard is it to say, “We can’t afford a hotel right now, but we can come by for lunch.”? You aren’t entitled to their living quarters.
YTA. It sucks they said you should find a hotel, but you don’t have a right to just stay with them for the weekend. You even still went and spent the money regardless on a hotel and the travel costs…
Then going to their city without really a specific reason like maybe a concert or show or something and still not telling them would make me feel hurt too. Even staying 10 miles away from them would mean they could’ve came to you too or you could’ve met in the middle.
YTA…I don’t think it’s unreasonable of them to assume as a couple you’d stay in a hotel. They hadn’t even met your girlfriend. Both you and your girlfriend are being needlessly dramatic about this.
You and Emma are TA
1 – Emma for making a ‘stink’ about staying with your mom then wondering why she is being ‘encouraged’ to stay in a hotel.
2 – You for telling them about Emma’s comments about getting a hotel, then wondering why they are encouraging you to do just that. Plus, your friends may have welcomed you to stay, but a stranger, in their small space, it’s much different. Take the hint and get a hotel
3 – You for taking offence and assuming you being encouraged to get other accommodations is somehow ‘bad’ and it should be your ‘right’ to stay there? Get over yourself…it’s just not ideal for the two of you to stay and share their 1 bedroom, (likely 1 bathroom) small space. And for that you’re rethinking your friendship?
4 – Emma for posting pics in their town…she sounds sneaky and malicious
5 – You for not visiting OR texting Tim to say ‘hey, we’re actually coming to your town this weekend as we’re visiting xyz city…we don’t have a ton of extra time but maybe we meet for lunch or coffee? No worries either way!’ Then there would be no issue
6 – If you don’t want to lose Tim and Sophie, TALK to them, clear the air, and don’t be so stubborn.
YTA here. You could have very well ended the friendship. No need to worry about hotel stays now.
YTA. Having a long-time friend on the couch is different from having a couple on the couch, when one of them is new to the hosts. You told Tim that your GF wanted a hotel room after visiting your mom so he had every reason to expect she’d want a hotel instead of their couch. I personally wouldn’t want to sleep in the living room of a couple I’d never met. You also never considered that maybe they weren’t comfortable hosting a couple on their couch, you know, given that it’s their home you’re visiting as a guest.
You took offense when there was none intended, and then spoiled any future relationship between this couple and your GF. Excellent work.
YTA
You and Emma turned this into drama that wasn’t needed. They live in a small 1 bedroom, four adults would be a lot, especially when they hadn’t even met her yet.
So you two thought it was a good idea to go there anyway and not see them?? Why would you purposely exclude your friends on the very weekend they invited you up? Don’t you realize what a deliberate snub that is? All over an imagined slight.
You’re an adult. Time to act like one.
YTA. You and Emma both sound incredibly petty and childish. First of all, Tim and Sophie suggested a hotel based off of things you said in the past. AND it isn’t a big stretch to assume that a couple could want privacy and a bed instead of a couch. So you could have afforded a hotel, but wanted a free stay and decided you two were the injured party. And I have a feeling the post on social media wasn’t the oopsie daisy you say it was. I’m sure Tim and Sophie won’t mind one less “friend” trying to mooch a stay at their ideally-located apartment.
YTA
Just because you and your girlfriend are comfortable sharing a sofa bed in the living room it doesn’t mean that your friends would be comfortable with that. One person is very different than a couple that is intimate.
What if they want to wake up early and go make coffee? Or worry about the seeing your girlfriend in whatever she sleeps in, or don’t want to accidentally come upon the two of you engaged in sexual activities?
It’s their house, and not a hotel. They don’t have a guest room, and its totally reasonable to not want to have two additional adults in their living room for the weekend.
YTA. First off, your friends don’t want baby batter on their couch. That’s reasonable. If you can comfortably afford to stay in a hotel with a girl they have never met, you should.
Secondly, going to their city anyway and posting about it on social media is obviously to stir up drama. This wasn’t a misunderstanding or an accident, it was just asshole behavior. If you want to go to their city and not see them, NTA for that. Advertise it on the internet? Definitely the asshole.
YTA. You and Emma both took things *way* too personally, and then blamed it on cost. And then you went and spent money on a hotel anyways, just not with them.
They never had an issue with her–they just didn’t want two people, who had previously expressed that they didn’t always like that kind of arrangement, taking over their whole living room.
Tim and Sophie did nothing wrong here. You’re the one who made it into a whole thing.