I have body dysmorphia, have had it my whole life have had therapy. I have been medicated, I am a lot better but the one thing I haven’t gotten over and still can’t stand is photos. I have never in my life seen a photo of myself I like and seeing one photo can send me into a spiral for days. I’m 29 and there’s only a handful of photos of me in existence besides a few selfies I’ve taken and I don’t have copies of any of them.
I’m getting married this year – it’s just me and my fiancé going to vegas there will be no guests. Honestly weddings make me cringe, it’s all theatre and it’s just not for me and my fiancé is on the same page. We just want to be married because we love each other.
My fiancé is understanding of this and he hates people who take photos constantly anyway so it’s not really an issue. Understandably though, my husband wants photos and he also wants the ceremony to be live-streamed for his parents. I have said no and put my foot down which he is upset by but honestly I know for a fact I’m not going to like the photos. On the day I will feel beautiful and as soon as I see those photos I will spiral and the thought of my friends and family looking at photos of me and talking about them makes me feel sick. I will spend the entire day worrying about the photos, filled with anxiety, trembling and trying not to cry and I won’t be able to enjoy the wedding at all.
I was thinking of making an exception because I love him and as a form of exposure therapy reluctantly agreed to have a couple quick photos taken at my parents wedding a few months ago on the condition they weren’t posted online or shared with anyone other than my parents. I haven’t seen the photos because I don’t want to be upset but I recently found out via a friend that my mum posted these on all of her social media (I don’t use social media) when I expressly told her not to. Now I know my family cannot be trusted and if I have photos at my wedding they will be shared without my consent.
People tell me I will want photos to look back on – but I feel repulsed now looking at photos of myself when I was 16 at my prom and I will feel the same way in another 13 years with my wedding photos.
My fiancé thinks I should make an exception for our wedding day but honestly given the pressure and the fact I want to enjoy myself and not make a scene this is literally the last situation I want my photo taken in.
So, am I the asshole?
YTA
Obviously he wants picture of the wedding and to let his parent see them
You should let him have that, you don’t need to look at the pictures
It’s his wedding too not just yours
INFO: Do you currently have a therapist?
Gently YTA. This is his special day too and he wants to have these photos as a keepsake and for his family to be able to participate in some small way. He can take responsibilty for handling his mother and keeping the images private for him to keep. I really think you should make an exception because in 13 years he’ll want those photos and will feel sad to not have them.
With respect for you, your fragility, and the obvious pain you are in…YWBTA. A wedding is not just about you. This day, and this relationship, are only half about you. You have the right to not have things posted without your consent, but your future husband deserves a photo of a big day in HIS life. And he wants his parents to be part of this event as well.
You can let them know that you can only do the live stream if they can promise not to take screenshots. That’s reasonable to ask and they should be able to give you that. You can leave your family out since they’ve proven they can’t be trusted.
Final note: Being recovered from this disorder will mean you’ll want a picture from your wedding day, but without time travel, you can only give this gift to future you by taking a risk now. Give him that gift. If you can’t trust your husband to control the pictures with respect for your present needs, though, then you shouldn’t be marrying him at all.
Yta not because of your body issues but because you’re choosing to ask others to bear the emotional burden of them rather than dealing with them. Your fiancé and his family want to celebrate this event and you’re asking them to have no photos because that’s easier for you than dealing with your emotional issues. Get a therapist and work through this – it will be hard but everyone, including you, will be better for it.
I won’t go as far as to say YTA because I understand you didn’t ask to have this horrible condition. But your wedding day isn’t just about you, it’s equally about your fiancé.
He sees the real you that you cannot because of the body dysmorphia, and obviously finds you beautiful. He wants to have photos that he can look back on over the years. He is telling you this is important to him.
It sounds like he is already sacrificing for you to have a day you are comfortable with, can you not at least try to do this for him? Even if it’s just one nice photo?
If posing for it seems too hard you could look for a photographer who takes good candid shots, and if you explain this all to them I’m sure they could find a way to get a nice photo or two without traumatising you too much.
Maybe it’s time to find a new therapist too. Other people want and deserve to capture & preserve these precious memories with you.
You have a neurosis that is preventing you from enjoying your life. It is now negatively affecting your fiancé too.
Does that make you an asshole? I don’t know. But it’s his wedding too. And his desire to have photos and a stream for his parents is a serious request that I don’t think you can just “put your foot down” on.
Why go to Vegas if you don’t like the theater of it all? Vegas is like…all theater. Tacky, garish theater.
Why not go to a courthouse? Do a justice of the peace wedding. In and out, and purely clinical and contractual marriage ceremony.
Why are you so worried about friends and family seeing pictures of you when they see you in real life and know what you look like already? If they had an issue with your appearance they wouldn’t be around you in person.
YTA. You want for your husband to have no pictures of himself getting married.
Since your fiancé has expressly asked for some photos, YTA if you don’t grant his request. Ask him not to show them to you or share them. He wants them and your future children will want to see/have them as well. I know I treasure my own parent’s wedding pics!
Making a judgement on whether you should force yourself to take photos feels kinda gross. However, YWBTA if you don’t let the livestream happen or allow his parents to be present. It’ll be an incredible strain on your marriage if the reason your partner can’t celebrate life events with loved ones is because you don’t want your picture taken. I think there are plenty of compromises you can consider or test out before the wedding. Have you thought about using disposable cameras and keeping the film unprocessed until you are ready to look at it? Could your partner have a wedding album that stays at his parent’s home? Would you feel comfortable in couple poses that partially hid your face/body?
YTA the fact that it’s hard for you doesn’t mean everyone has to lose out, refusing to take pictures with the person your marrying sends a horrible message to him and his family. Just don’t look at them if you don’t want to
YTA
This is a special day for BOTH of you. I am sorry for the issues you suffer however you cannot escape photos your entire life and you cannot/should not create a loss for others who WANT photos of events, days, occassions that YOU are a part of. I get the social media part though, and your mom is an AH for that.
But you would be TA for denying your fiance the ability to share the day in photo or live stream, with his family if he’s been doign everything else you ask/need so far.
YTA because this is also his wedding, it’s fine compromising about the amount of photos and not wanting a large amount taken, and it’s fine not wanting to look at them yourself and it’s also fine asking people to not post them online, but it’s not ok trying to control what everybody does and specially it’s not ok at all ignoring your future husband’s wishes.
What you are describing is too much and goes beyond just body dysmorphia IMO, are you still in therapy? Could you work with your therapist about this specific situation and hopefully help you get to a compromise you feel comfortable enough with?
Best luck and congratulations!
This feels like a copy of a post that was written very recently but worded slightly differently