I (24F) have been friends with “Maya” (24F) for about 15 years. We grew up in the same state but she moved to Washington a few years ago and I live in Colorado.
Maya has a 6 year old son and recently found out she was pregnant again. The morning she took the test she called me 11 times and woke me up to show me the positive result. I was the first person she told even though her boyfriend was in the other room. I tried to support her and listen.
For context, we used to FaceTime constantly last summer when I had a lot of free time. Sometimes we would stay on the phone for hours or even fall asleep on FaceTime. Since then my life has changed. I’m now a full time student and I work, so I’ve told her I can’t be on long calls all the time anymore and that texting works better most days.
She had an appointment related to the pregnancy this week and asked if we could FaceTime afterward. I agreed and even moved a two hour appointment so I would be free to talk with her that evening. Throughout the day I texted to check in while trying to finish assignments and work responsibilities.
When we finally talked around 7pm my time, she became very upset with me. She said things like “when I have a problem you always have a bigger problem” and told me I haven’t been a good friend. She also said she needs to see evidence that I’m changing.
I apologized and said I understood she had gone through something really difficult that day and I was sorry if I hadn’t supported her the way she needed. I also said that while I haven’t been through the same experience, I was trying to empathize and be there for her.
After the call I felt really bad and started wondering if I handled this wrong. At the same time, I felt like I had tried to support her while balancing school and work.
AITA for not being available enough?
NTA
You are her friend not her partner, not her parent, and not her therapist. It sounds like she needs one and needs to learn about realistic expectations of other people’s time. You have school and work. Those are priorities for which is appropriate. She is being self centered and entitled.
NTA. I was leaning towards N A H until she ‘needs to see evidence that \[you’re\] changing’. I get that you’ve been friends over half of your lives, but you are now several time-zones apart, and she’s got people \*right there with her\*.
Your apology and attempt to support her despite the distance and your own responsibilities were on point. You shouldn’t need to ‘provide evidence’ of your life being different, and I can’t imagine what that evidence would even consist of.
NTA. You literally rearranged a two hour appointment just to talk with her and still checked in during the day. That’s not “not being there,” that’s just having a life. It sounds like she’s used to the old summer version of you that could sit on FaceTime for hours, but people get busy.
INFO: what was the crisis? Either way it sounds like NTA. Calling you 11 times about a positive test is way too much and she is relying on you for support that she should be getting from her bf. You’re doing everything you can to be a good friend, she sounds like she is being self centered and expecting you to prioritize her over everything else
NTA
You adjusted your schedule to be there for her. That takes effort and I would be so humbled if my friends did that for me. If you were there for her first pregnancy I’m sure it’s a big change for her to not have you around in person this time around. If you can talk to her maybe try reminding her that you want to be there for her and will be when it most matters, but that you can’t abandon your responsibilities and your own life to do so. Remind her she’s not alone and (hopefully) has her partner to lean on as well. My guess is that she reacted the way she did because she feels overwhelmed and knows you’re usually the one to help her through that. Overwhelmed or not, the way she reacted kinda makes her the AH.
NTA
No one is entitled to your time. And you texting her throughout the say & even accomodating a FaceTime is more than enough. Life is busy, she needs to understand that.
It’s rude she is guilt tripping you.
Perhaps you need to be straightforward and send a text on how you are feeling. Get it off your chest, up to her whether it’s well received or not
NTA. Your “friend” is maming unreasonable demands. I cxan’t say why she is so determined to make you feel bad, but then again, maybe it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you insulate yourself from her nasty behavior.
You both have different ideas of what friendship means. Her idea is unlimited access to your time in times of “need”.
That used to be okay with you but now you have more responsibilities and demands on your time. Hence you prefer texting and FaceTime as you are able to. You even re-arranged your time to FaceTime her.
You are trying to set boundaries to manage your responsibilities but your friend is not respecting them and is instead trying to guilt you into breaking/pushing them to fulfill her friendship expectations.
Friends and boundaries will change with new circumstances and responsibilities. You both need to discuss how to show respect for each other. Shaming you to get her way is manipulation and needs to be stopped.
Also, her “best friend“ should be her boyfriend. He is the first one she should be running to with good/bad news. He is the one who should be consoling her about her pregnancy, not you, especially as he was in the next room! That she is not, that is not healthy for their relationship.
INFO: What is the “really hard thing” she went through? It sounds like a regular old appointment.
Unless there’s a very dramatic answer to that question, I vote NTA. You can be a good friend without devoting time to a two-hour talk.
I’m quite a bit older than you, and betwen jobs, work, schook, etc. my friends and I are lucky if we can find 15 minutes to shoot a few texts back and forth. If a friend demanded I be availabe for long calls every night she felt like it, I’d tell her sorry but she needs to find another friend.
This is tangential but I also don’t understand how the pregnant mom of a young child has time for this NOR why she isn’t having these pregnancy-related conversations with the guy who got her pregnant.
I inferred that she had an abortion or miscarriage.
INFO: What was the ‘really hard thing?’ Did she lose the pregnancy? What is the crisis?
The term emotional vampire comes to mind. NTA
NTA – she is a 24 year old grown ass woman with a man, a child and a positive pregnancy test – that is not a crisis.
Maya is an adult. She doesn’t have to wake up her childhood friend with 11 fucking calls like this is some kind of teen pregnancy.
OP – Maya’s on bs with she needs to see evidence of you changing. You don’t need an emotional noose around your neck.
How tf is a grown woman with a 6 yo son and a man being pregnant, a crisis requiring you to lose sleep, drop your life and move around your own appts? You, also need to grow up and draw boundaries.
She’s acting like you’re both 14 and not 24! However, you are also taking her bs on.
I agree! This was a huge wake up call on my poor boundary setting skills. Definitely needed that.